Shall hate be fairer lodged than gentle love?

[Jefe]

I like this ^

1) Tithing - I am struggling with this. How did you handle it? Jump in feet first a full 10% or build up to it?
2) Forgiveness/Gossip - I have really grown in this area recently. I think it has helped in my situation with my W. Since I was very slow to gossip and and speak ill of her to anyone, it has left many of the bridges back home still intact. Forgiveness is a different story. It's not that I don't want to as much as I'm not sure completely HOW to.

I admire you shake.

Stay strong, and prayer for you.

[SunnyB]

1) Tithing - I am struggling with this. How did you handle it? Jump in feet first a full 10% or build up to it?

I visited a church over the summer and their approach to stewardship impressed me. One of the things they did was offer a 90-day challenge. They weren't pressuring at all, but the basic idea was you give 10% for 90 days only. They showed a video clip of someone who had taken the 90 day challenge and was blessed. I mean, nobody won the lottery or anything, but just felt like God had touched them in some way. You might consider jumping into a full 10%, but not forever, for a month maybe and then decide to renew it with yourself month by month.

[Jefe]

That's a different approach.

[Shakspr]

Jefe, I leaped.

I am at 10% on net, not gross, because I have a ton of non-secured debt and am working that off, too. I began on Jan 1 2014. The only time I have struggled with this was during the lead-up to the divorce when W was unemployed and spending faster than I was making.

I have prayed and prayed over this. God seems to be okay with this approach - and when the credit cards and personal loan are paid off ($33.5K), he'll get 10% on gross. Since W left, I'm already making strides to actually pay this down. I expect it to take about 3 years.

The results weren't what I was looking for - I did get better financial stability, and the obedience led to me seeking Him more diligently. W was supportive of this, but, well...there were obviously other issues.

My faith walk, and choices to be obedient for the past 1 1/2 years actually goes back to something that happened in May 2013. I was a Cub Scout leader. The Scouts voted nationwide to accept and support a lifestyle I don't agree with. I do not hate, and am conflicted in a lot of ways about this situation and decision. However, I cannot voluntarily support with thought, deed, or finances that which is openly against God and his teachings. So, I told the Cubmaster that my final Scouting role would be at Webelos Camp June 30 - July 3 2013.

Simultaneously, we were in a custody dispute w/ SS15's father. We had been working for almost two years to bring to a close something that should have taken 6-9 months.

Our final court date happened in the middle of my final Cub Scout camp. It was moved up from a late August date unexpectedly. I took that as God telling me that the two were related - that I needed to be an obedient servant if I was going to be trusted to influence another young life.

Now, much of that opportunity has been taken away. But, had I not been in the place that I now am spiritually, this D would have become far uglier. And I would not have found my way here to DB.

Pray over this Jefe. Whether you make it a 90 day challenge, or start with 1% and ramp up to 10% every other payday...do it. He'll bless the 1%. This is the only thing/act in the entire Bible where God challenges you to test him. Heck, that alone makes it fun.

(Just re-read this. There are some logical leaps. Ask any question you like for clarification.)

[bravo61]

Shake,
Please continue to post even though your D is final. I'm in the last stages before D and would love your insight. The agreement is basically in place (not final draft or signed yet) to be presented to the court. Basically it's up to her when she wants to do that but she's still mentioning doing things together. Did you go through that? Just looking for some wisdom.

[Shakspr]

Well, bravo, my W was in sprint mode the whole way, so I'm not certain what you mean by your W "mentioning doing things together." My W filed, waited 61 days as is mandated by the State of TX, and finalized. I did not fight her. Agreed to a very reasonable deal that she will likely grow to regret.

Perhaps your W wanted the details spelled out to give her a picture of what things would look like, but now is reconsidering. Or maybe...doesn't matter. Mind reading.

Ask her what she wants. Use your knowledge of her LLs to gain clarity.

And keep DB'g. If you still stand for the marriage, do every single thing purposefully. Ask yourself, "What kind of man am I? What kinds of man do I want to be?" The final three weeks leading to our D finalization were the worst time of my life. I cycled through emotions. I couldn't control everything, but managed not to lash out. Loved on my kids. Refused to badmouth my W or allow others to do so. And I had to tell my Mom about it (ugh!)

I do now have one answer to a question posed frequently here. How do I remain friendly without being "Friend-zoned) by the XW or separated spouse. Here's how it looks to me (so far):

1) I only initiate interactions that apply to our children or shared responsibilities that still need to be divided (car insurance, for example, or health care.) I am all business for these things, but cordial.

2) When she initiates a convo (via text or voice), responds with a friendly tone, or changes the subject after handling our business, I allow myself to be silly or humorous or just friendly. And I let her have the last word. Always. This should leave her content or curious.

She remains curious about me, usually expressed through concern "How are you doing/how are you holding up?" I respond with latest GAL or something we once shared but now do separately (working out, time with friends.) I haven't yet gotten to the point where I am intentionally mysterious. That's coming soon.

The only mental/emotional battle I have left in my head/heart is the contemplation of her budding R with OM. I will admit to some of my darker emotions on that one. Gotta shake it off, and continue to be a better option in every way. Already looking for some new clothes to go pick up the kids in tomorrow. 'Cuz I'm gonna look GOOD.

[Shakspr]

Random thoughts:

So, does investing in Rogaine count as GAL?

I bought my daughter 2 pretty fall outfits on Amazon. That's a 180. I also bought a top-rated can opener and the top cheap blender. I love Amazon.

PMA - not gonna be a problem. I have you all in my corner and God is lifting me up as well.

My band of brothers and sisters: We're so much better off and so much more likely to find fulfillment than those who lead a life without purpose. We know what we want. And we are working to achieve it. Keep doing the work!

[raliced]

Absolutely Rogaine counts as GAL! Don't know if you are a Costco or Sams Club member, but I understand that they sell generic versions there much more cheaply.

Glad to hear you are having such an up day today Shakes. Thought of you earlier when I was checking out the 2015 season of my favorite regional Shakespeare group(Oregon Shakespeare Festival).

[Shakspr]

rali...I'm right there. Bought the Kirkland brand (Costco) from Amazon. I had a Costco account before, don't know if W is keeping me on. and that takes a special trip from where I live.

Yep, I'm definitely up today.

[BigMac]

Keep your chin up. The one thing about Tx is that divorce is quick here. On the flip side, they do protect your rights as a man and as a father.

What I hear is that 50% of rebounds die after 6 months. At some point she will hit a wall. It's your choice what to do at that point.

Remember, 10% of divorces end up in re-marriage. This is a bump in the road, not the end of the road.