Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
Hey, guys, thanks for thinking of me, I really appreciate the love and concern coming from all of you. I wish I'd committed to this forum during the first days after BD. I think I would've done so much better than I did.
I've been AWOL because I thought Mr. Gritty had discovered me writing here so I laid low until I felt sure I was still anonymous. Also, I've been doing a lot of overtime at work and not had much time to write. Overtime will continue through the next two weeks but won't be as bad.
A lot has happened. The issue with the OW has not yet revealed itself, so we shall see what develops on that front. No fights this week, partly because I got some good tips for dealing with the flooding I get when Mr. Gritty starts to go off the deep end, partly because he is really trying, and partly because we're avoiding hot button topics. Like money.
Important stuff I've learned:
I've been learning little strategies in conflict resolution to express my needs in an assertive yet non-aggressive, non-passive-aggressive, non-defensive way. We have to get us through this time when Mr. Gritty has to deal with hot buttons like money and we still don't trust each other, so communication during conflict has been especially difficult for me.
I've been studying this kind of stuff since BD but still struggle with it. But now I'm getting tips I can really use from the mediator/conflict resolution/MC (let's just call him the mediator from now on). Maybe this is because he does a lot of depositions in business and family matters as part of his job, and he has a lot more constructive advice, like "if x happens, you can do/say y. This usually works because it won't sound like you're saying z."
He says rebuilding trust is the most important thing we have to do in order to successfully reconcile. That once trust is rebuilt, transparency plans are unnecessary. However, I will be talking to a DB coach soon because I also feel like I need more than successful communication, I also need a roadmap for reconciliation.
Anyway. The mediator told me something I want to share with you...
How Mr. Gritty Turned From D to Reconciliation (according to the mediator)
I originally wrote down every detail about our 2nd mediation appointment but didn't post that original version because it was thousands of words and I felt it revealed too many details about our lives. So I hacked it down to almost nothing in comparison. The stuff I left out included an awful episode when I had to tell Mr. Gritty that I'd hired someone to prepare our finances for D.
The mediator said the change in Mr. Gritty's attitude was immediate and quite visible. Visible to him, maybe, but not to me. I saw no change in H's attitude except for increased hostility. I had been terrified of this appointment, knowing he would see what I'd done as some sort of betrayal or an act of war, and of course, he saw it as both. Was either of those things my intention? No.
But I felt he was in such a fog, such an altered state of MLC that I did not believe we could get to an equitable distribution of our estate without a lot of him shouting throughout the entire process. I knew his tantrums would eat up a huge chunk of everything we'd saved in three decades of frugal living to lawyer's fees and taxes. I did not believe Mr. Gritty would be fair to me, either.
The alternative was for me to hire a L to sit with me during mediation because I knew I wouldn't be able to stand up for myself or for the estate, and that would cause an even larger escalation of hostilities, delays, and increased costs. I chose instead what I felt was the best long-term decision: to get our finances in order, thereby getting the shouting over all at once while saving as much of the community property as possible from taxes and legal fees.
Added to my fear was the fact that hiring the financial people cost a ton of money. But I did it. I couldn't sleep afterward, I kept second-guessing myself. I'd never spent that much money in my entire life, but I would finally calm myself down by remembering that at even double the cost it was a small price to pay to get the worst part of the D negotiations over all at once in an equitable fashion.
Somehow that agonizing decision may have reversed our D and put us into reconciliation.
The mediator said Mr. Gritty had his little D drama all planned out. He told me...
"Then you did what a rational and reasonable person in your circumstances should do. You obviously didn't want to D, but as Mr. Gritty was determined, you took care of yourself. You got your paperwork in order, found legal assistance and showed you were prepared to move on. Your H didn't expect this from you and it shocked him. Your H thought he was in charge of everything that was happening until that point. He didn't expect to lose control of his plan. It woke him up."
I've asked H a couple of times why he changed his mind. I've gotten different answers, like: "Cause I saw how pretty you are." And "Because our friend told me I would just marry you back a couple of years later, so why not avoid the D in the first place." At least the mediator's reason makes sense.
And now for some communication tips I've learned:
1) If I feel any statement from H is odd, or "off" or an attack, or just anything my gut feels is a big "whoa!" I should try to take as long as I can to respond. The longer I take, the more more information I will collect in order to answer, and the more his aggression (which the mediator says is H really feeling fear and confusion, which he doesn't like, so he gets angry) will dissipate.
Ways to delay my response/calm down include:
a. Sit quietly and smile as if I am slightly concerned. I am, because I want to get it right, I want to understand H's position.
b. Take a deep breath. Take another. Take as many as possible.
c. Ask him to repeat himself. "Did I hear you correctly? That I'm trying to cheat you?" or "I'm sorry, I didn't understand what you just said?"
d. Ask for clarification. "I want to understand what you are saying/asking. I want to make sure I get it right." OR "You asked me two questions... I think? What was the first question?" My attitude is always friendly, asking him to help me understand him better.
2) If I am pushed to make a response, here is another statement to memorize and fall back on; it asks for clarity while defusing aggression:
"I'm not quite sure I understand what that statement means."
So far, I've been working on this and it's been helping a lot. A couple of days ago H had a hiccup of aggression regarding money, which has always been his hot button. I was stumbling through the steps above, and Mr. Gritty slowed down and stopped himself. He later sent me a text that was apologetic. He explained (what I already knew) that money talks leave him agitated.
But really?
Every day that goes by, he acts more and more like his old self. It's starting to feel he is turning back into the good Mr. Gritty that I know and love, only better, and then...
... And then something happens that reminds me of the crap he did, of how he left me to go back to her, left me twisting and agonizing in the MLC wind, or how he would just suddenly turn on me and blame me for his infidelity because I was such a failure as a wife, or just cease communication for weeks at a time except for textkriegs and GritStorms of hostility. Then I feel resentful and want to pull back. And I think, "He's going to change again. He's going to go nuts again."
Those days were so hard, I don't want to ever go back to those feelings again.
Maybe I just need an exorcist?
The mediator gave me tips to get OWs stuff out of our bungalow. It's really a clever method that I would've never thought of on my own.
1) Find a big shopping bag and put it by the front door. 2) Pick up OW's stuff, and put it into the bag. 3) Don't say anything and just be My Sweet Nitty Self.
If Mr. Gritty asked me what I am doing, I was to say, "I'm doing what I need to do to make myself comfortable in our bungalow."
I asked the mediator what to do about the stuff I wasn't sure was OWs or not, like the candles (because I wasn't sure about their source). He said to just put whatever I had doubts about in the bag. If Mr. Gritty asked how the absence of those items could possibly make me more comfortable, I was to say, "Because I want the bungalow to be just about the two of us, and nobody else."
No more explanations than that. No controlling statements like, "Get her crap out of my bungalow!" Just the continued expression of healthy boundaries.
That felt like a great plan... the perfect way to get OW's stuff gone!
Nitty Implements The Plan!
A couple of days later I was invited to the bungalow. I got my shopping bag and put it by the door. Then I went looking for her junk food... and it was no longer in our pantry or in the refrigerator. Then I went looking for her kids' toys and games. They were gone from the closet. Everywhere I looked, the stuff that had bothered me was gone and I didn't have to do or say anything about it, like I had to about her mascara.
Except for the candles. I picked one up and asked Mr. Gritty where it came from. "The grocery store," he said. "Only 99 cents each!" That made me laugh. I believe him. Did he light them for her? I choose to let that go. After all, they had sex in our bed. I'm not going to toss the mattress, so why bother tossing the candles?
During the 4 days in between my visits to the bungalow, Mr. Gritty had finally figured out that OW's stuff had to go, and he moved it. Yay, Mr. Gritty! This is what I mean: he and I stumble along, problems come up, and then he surprises me and does something that is like The Old Mr. Gritty, Only Better.
(Of course, it wasn't too long before I began to wonder if he just tossed it, or met her to give it back to her, and maybe that was when she decided to block me! And did he really meet her in person to give her back her stuff without telling me? I wished I had thought to go through the dumpster in the back of the bungalow! Then I would know for sure that he didn't give it back to her!)
More negative EXPECTATIONS (all caps meaning expectations are NAUGHTY)
Probably the moment after I write this he'll get a bee in his bonnet again, go off the deep end again, start with the blaming again. I feel like I'm waiting.... waiting.... waiting for his recent affection toward me to disappear. Waiting for the return of the space alien monster who has been trying to deep six my a$$ for almost a year. Waiting for OW to make a last-ditch play for him again.
We have not moved back in together. I don't initiate such discussions. Occasionally he'll mention his idea that we sell the house and move away. I don't want to do that. I've been advised to not shut that idea down but let H explore it and probably discard it on his own. The holidays are coming, I'm hoping increased exposure to friends throughout the holidays will make things easier for him to come home. Our Ss are urging me to be cautious but they can see good changes in H, too.
I don't feel like he's almost home but I do feel like he is at least back on the same planet.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Stop waiting for the bad. Have a plan if it happens...but don't be waiting for it. It sort of affects most people negatively. If it happens implement your plan, but why not smell the roses and enjoy the day instead of cautiously peeking around corners and expecting there to be a bee in the rose?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Nitty! Good to hear from you! Thank you for posting as much detail as you did. I think, when I last posted on your thread, my H was talking about starting mediation. Well, just today, he e-mailed and wrote about 'dividing assets', so I can certainly use your perspective. You're doing great! Keep it up and keep us posted. Glad to have you back!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
