Hey Mozza, I totally get what you are talking about with the Tuesday/Thursday stuff. It seems like they are doing it on purpose or maybe they don't care about you at all, or maybe they just enjoy being contrary. Annoying! Good for you for standing your ground. But sometimes I wonder if I am being too stubborn trying to fight against this annoying habit they have developed of not listening. As Jim and Little said, it helps to pick your battles. I think you handled this well though.
I had drinks with a friend last night and he was so spot on the DB technique, without having read anything about it, that it was eery. Detach, move on, get a life, become attractive, let her evolve, etc. I thought it couldn't be done on instinct, but apparently people outside of the situation see things much more clearly than we do.
He was adamant that I should cut the last ties that we have (except the kids!), namely all the stuff that she left in the home. In theory, she took everything, but every week she finds something new that she forgot. There are things I'm fully aware she left behind (dolls, DVDs, books) and there are things that are more ambiguous because we bought everything together for over 9 years. I'm not keen on having her come back for another round. I'm thinking of packing a suitcase with the leftover stuff and tell her it's over after that. It's very painful every time she asks for something new (I had a good cry next to the ice skates...). The downside is that part of me thinks sending her stuff is all a waste of time since she'll come back and that it suggests she might know she'll come back. The upside is that it gives me a bit of control over the breakup and make her realize she might lose control of this whole process. I don't want to rush thing either.
Advice?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, I have a similar problem in that now that W has her own place, she's taken a lot of her stuff, but not all. As much as I'd like to pack the rest up and leave it out front for her, I worry that would give her the final push she needs to file for D. Leaving some of her things at the house means she still has an attachment to it, so the possibility of coming back is always open.
Does it hurt to look at some of her clothes when I walk into the closet? Sure, but it also gives me hope because it represents her conflicted feelings. If your W was dead set on being done, she could easily stop by, walk room to room and collect every last thing of hers.
By the way, my W spend a year at home while looking for a job, just before she got this over-stimulating job and left me 3-4 weeks later. My friend (above), who worked from home for a while, said that she was leaving the apartment as much as she was leaving me. It probably felt like a prison to her, and indeed she said she felt "oppressed" in the apartment and couldn't stand being there anymore (it was after she moved out). It added a new dimension to the separation, another potential cause. It feels like it was a perfect storm of internal and external factors and I didn't see it coming. As for my wife, she's still totally unaware of it and just convinced that this whole thing is driven by her feelings for me, who are real and safe from any outside influence (sigh). For me, it's just a bad moment we should have crossed together (move, young kids, new job, etc.). As I become increasingly aware of what probably lead to my separation, I have more regrets not bringing it up in the talks leading to it. I wish I could have explained to her better than she did what was happening to her. It worked in the past, especially if I'd know stuff about her that she didn't tell me yet.
A couple of days before she left, I told her about my theory that she was leaving the reality of our family for the dream of her new job. She didn't agree ("Oh, that's what you think..."), but I wanted to plant the idea in her head for the day she would sober up. I hope I didn't tip my hand or give her a reason to be too proud to come back.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Tarheel - It does sound strange that your W would leave such obvious stuff as clothes. My W took all of this. She left her DVDs behind because she doesn't have a DVD player. But what am I, a storage room? I think she forgot the dolls. She once mentioned the books but then no more and I dropped it. It was early and I thought perhaps she would come back. But come on, she spent about 10K (of her parents' money) on appliances and furniture (and clothes...): she's not coming back within a month.
I don't mind the space it takes and it doesn't really bring up memories, except this anxiety about sending them out of not. I'm mostly interested to do it to give her a sense that I'm also separating from her, perhaps giving her second thoughts. And if it doesn't, so what: she's not going to come back because I still have some of her stuff. What are the odds that we won't get back together because I gave her the remaining stuff?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Reading through the boards, I feel that perhaps what I'm doing through DB is getting my W to trust me again. The trust is very low between us, with the impression that we're out there to annoy and hurt each other. When she flew off the handle for something minor, it was resolved when I asked her to trust me I'm not trying to hurt her. I could see the relief in her body language and she said it out loud, that it helped.
I'm curious to know what people think about this email exchange I posted a couple of days earlier. In April, my wife wrote me she needed me to listen to her and that she was suffering. My response was merely polite, borderline cold. It fills me with guilt for not listening to her. How bad is it? Anyone else unearthed such evidence of pattern and past behavior? How can I use this information now?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hey Mozza and Tarheel, I am having similar experience with my WAH leaving stuff at my house and claiming he has stuff of mine. He seems to often use the stuff as an excuse to keep in contact.
Sorry but the stuff they are leaving behind gives no indication that they are holding on. It could be that they are too lazy or irritated to come get it. Maybe they forgot about it. I know I have left stuff at boyfriend's homes and now I wonder if they thought the same way you are. Let me tell you, there was no reason I left things there other than I just could not be bothered to go get it. Too much hassle dealing with them, didn't want to see/talk to them again, didn't care about the stuff that much. Figured I could get it "later" and then never did. Don't read into it unless she is obviously using the stuff as a way to keep you on the hook. (like coming by daily or contacting you regularly about the things)
Probably the WAWs are using you as an easy storage option. I say box the things up and put them away out of sight if possible. As more time passes you can let her know the things are in boxes, and eventually you can insist she or someone else picks it up.
Pfff... In 2009, my W and I came very, very close to breaking up. A few months after we resolved things, she wrote me an email while I was traveling, saying she had doubts after all. I was completely devasted and the rest of my trip was ruined. I just read the email again and it's The. Exact. Same. [censored]. As. Today.
Extracts:
- I can't lie to myself, I still feel it doesn't gel between us. I don't feel Love, that you're under my skin... That's what I want to feel. I can't live my entire life in a limited emotional range. - That's what Carrie said to Petrovksy [Sex and the city]: "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, can't live without each other love" I'm sure it exists. - I've a call for freedom, to try living doing exactly what I'm looking for, not sacrificing my dreams. I think I try too much to be someone I'm not. - My mom, my dad, you.. Some things have been wonderful on the way here, but now I can no longer live this way without listening to my heart. - In my head, there's a storm that I'm trying to explain to you. Maybe it doesn't make sens, like many things I say, but I can't ignore it.
What personality... disorder is this? Or is it just me who's in the wrong? Is this a sign that I should really just let go and not try to live my life with someone like this? Is she going to meet reality in this separation and come back for good?
Last edited by Mozza; 10/28/1406:03 PM.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
There is no way to know. You need to make your changes for you.
Some people have an unrealistic idea of love which means they can't (and may never) see what's under their nose. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try to help them understand.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
