It's really rough for you right now. You are being very brave indeed.
--(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Zues, this is a very important step you are taking and you know you have to do it. It is an important step for both of you to be able to get your selves together. Hopefully she will be able to see it as you being wise and strong rather than getting upset and acting out.
I think you made an excellent decision to no longer live in this weird limbo. Not that your relationship situation has to change that much, but your living situation has been horrible and that is not good for your mental, emotional or physical state. It will be nice to have a place of your own and for your W to take responsibility for herself.
Kudos to you for taking this brave step. I hope you feel better about it soon.
Zues, my H is about to move out. Although it's not a legal doc, we have a S agreement that covers the length of the S, what happens at the end, finances, shared parenting, and some other areas. We have already agreed how to handle Thanksgiving. It was important to me to put that in place. I think you are doing the right thing.
You have to stand up for yourself. Its the right thing to do and as long as your assertive rather than aggressive then it breeds confidence and respect
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Bumping to say thank you all for the support and to keep it coming. It's that mind of day. I don't mind being an attention sponge. Seriously, it helps to know that I only did what I had too and a panel of experts agree.
I figured out why I'm so timid with conflict. I feel like I'm a big strong giant and I could easily hurt someone if I lost my temper. The fact is that I am an extremely successful person in competition. I play world class pool (and very high level poker, chess, cribbage, backgammon, etc). In my sales career the most successful sales people I've worked with have told me I'm the best they've ever worked with, and I've backed that up with a dominant track record. I've been given some gifts and with it an intensity level/focus/desire that I've only seen matched once or twice in my lifetime.
Point is, I'm used to running the world over. So in my personal relationships I try very, very hard not to do that. For example, my STBX was a SAHM and felt vulnerable because she didn't contribute financially, she felt like she didn't have the right to vote on financial priorities and rarely spoke up. My move was to deposit all the money into a joint account and leave her in charge of the finances entirely.
This type of thinking was flawed. It separated us so I worked and competed. She raised children and ran the household. I meant it to be generous and allow her to have what she wanted. But it deprived her of a partner to contribute. I was afraid of being too assertive, and as a result burdened her with more responsibility than she wanted. All because I wanted her to feel included, and to avoid just running her over.
I've learned that the opposite of controlling isn't being a rug, but to be collaberative. Going forward I am going to use my gifts to meet my needs, but to do so wih consideration for the needs of others and open to input. It's funny. I see myself as a leader, she may see me as a wimp. I'm going to allow myself to shine. Maybe she will see the true man I am at some point and grow to respect and admire that. Maybe not. But I'm no longer going to diminish myself and my gifts for fear I'll make others feel inferior or offended.
Tonight, however, I will use my gifts to curl up in a ball and suck my thumb
Last edited by Zues126; 10/28/1402:04 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
My bd date I call feb 1. I still get that retch feeling from time to time. On sat I had a really bad day! I sobbed and whined about how it's not fair I can't just behave like a spoiled brat!
This week happy again, but Mondays are always an upswing for me.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
My STBX replied to my email. She asked about the amount of payment I intended to provide in December. She expressed concerns about her ability to provide for the children in December and give them a happy holiday. She used the word 'frankly' twice, the phrase 'I need to know what's expected of me' twice, and mentioned that the email had 'hit her hard'.
First off, you all know 'hitting her hard' was the last thing I wanted to do. But what I'm excited about is that it didn't start world war three. At least not yet! Just like the books say, I allowed fearing the worst to scare me into inaction. The reity is that I am only taking what is fair. A home for myself where I can have my children. As a very successful professional that isn't excessive.
So now the wheels are TURNING. Looking for places to live. Gettin insurance quotes to propose a budget to my attorney, and a list of documents (bank statements and tax returns, etc) to get an idea of what a support payment should look like. Seperating cell phone plans. And tying up a few loose ends before startin my new job Monday. Oh...did I mention its commission sales, that my support payments will probably equate to y base pay and my only personal income will be the commission I will be paid in a new gig? Scary! Except for the fact that I know the business and have a proven track record of being the best. I will not allow myself to fail!
So while there is quite a bit coming at me, I feel 100% up to taking it all on and succeeding. I have a clear picture of where I want to be in 3, 6, 12, and 24 months with regards to career and finances. I want to be financial stable with some reserves, thrive in my new job, be in good physical shape, continue to dominate in the regional pool scene for extra income, be a better dad than ever, and spend time living passionately with my friends doing what I love, and continuing to grow into a healthier man. That will keep me busy! At some point as I achieve those goals I can make room in my life for a romantic R. But In addition to waiting for the D to finalize and some time to pass to ensure im not walking away from my M too soon, I want to succeed independently first so I know I am in a healthy spot and not looking to have someone else be responsible for me or my happiness. Again, nothing but time, the sweet gift of time.
Having all of these hurdles swirling around in my head had been overwhelmingly scary, but now that I'm in action I see there isn't any one of them that will stop me. So from scared to empowered and excited to have a mission and purpose to start driving forward again.
Oh, and finished No More Mr Nice Guy. Some very good stuff. Not all applied to me, but enough did I felt it was a tremendous aid. I'd recommend it to everyone here, because as an LBS I think we all fall into nice guy mode. And that doesn't work! Book report later. Have a great day and thank you all!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'd definitely agree with you regarding NMMNG. It highlighted that by being weak and appeasing I sacrificed the respect she had for me and so she just felt more pressure.
A real eye opener.
Useful for future R but not sure what it means now.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Zues126, I'm very impressed with what you did. From the outside, it often seems like the obvious step to take, but from the inside, it's almost impossible to execute. I dwell on much smaller stuff, hoping that my wife will come back if I don't contribute to the separation process. I can't wait to see how things progress for you. I'm curious about the December money thing. It's probably up to a lawyer to advise you on this, but you should provide only what is fair. She's made a decision that she's leaving, she has to bear the consequences.
PS: You're funny. Keep it up.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Maybell- way to step up and be a LEADER! Gratitude! Yes!
1. I have three AMAZING CHILDREN that bring joy into my life. 2. I have GROWN AS A FATHER and am able to FEEL the joy they bring into my life! 3. I have been blessed with gifts that have allowed me to be very successful in a CAREER that challenges and rewards me. 4. I have a super SUPPORT group consisting of my parents, some very good friends, my DB coach, IC, and ALL OF YOU! 5. I have GROWN AS A PERSON and feel more and more able to enjoy the fulfilling life I've been given. 6. I have combined my talent with hard, hard, hard work to become a CHAMPION pool player and earn money while winning tournaments and celebrating my gifts. 7. I am taking control of my finances and getting a NEW APARTMENT on 12/1. I can turn it into a bit of a man lair, have my children over, and feel at home. Did I mention their rec room has a pool table? Don't laugh! This is a HUGE win 8. I have the time to work on myself further and GAL. I am going to a cheesy movie tonight, but going with 3 good pool playing friends. 9. My parents understand what I'm going through and are HELPING me a bit with finances short term while I get back on my feet. 10. My STBX and I aren't at war and both have similar goals in terms of arrangements and being cooperative.
It's funny, when I was new here I couldn't keep track of each of these threads, who was who. And at first all I saw was 'bad news', i.e. marriages not being saved. Now I feel like I know many of you well, and what I see now is a whole lot of growth, guidance, support, goodwill, and some magic in the air. Forget about the M's for a minute...people are being changed for the better and their future lives are being saved! Let's hope some of those WAS's buy stock before the company goes public (whatever that even means)!!!
Last edited by Zues126; 10/28/1410:40 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
