Card29 V

[Card29]

Well I've been overwhelming miserable for a week now. But better PMA today. It helps being back home. Had a fun afternoon with D2. Trying to drop the rope but it's stuck to my hands. I try to let my emotions flow when I'm down, but they are stuck in there until it is almost unbearable before I can cry and let it out.

[Maybell]

yeah, me too.

[Jefe]

Stop it, you're going to make me cry, now.

[Maybell]

I'm all better. Card, how're ya doin'?

[Card29]

(Sorry for the novel...train of thought that I have no other outlet for at the moment)

Maybell I'm glad you're doing better. I'm okay right now. Had a fantastic dinner (Mahi mahi and a leftover acovado, black bean salsa that WAW made...maybe the best salsa I've ever had). Also just practiced my latest hobby: baking cookies. I'd never done that until a couple of weeks ago and have been perfecting a chocolate chip recipe (I only eat a couple then take the rest to work). It's comforting to do it, and the house smells very cozy.

Dropped off D2 at WAW's tonight. She asked me to stay so she could hear about the weekend. She wanted to know what was said between MIL/SIL and me. There really wasn't anything to hide. MIL didn't ask any questions. SIL didn't but we talked about things a little bit. I told them there was nothing new going on (obviously didn't mention the dating conversation). So I told WAW that it was all normal, nothing really interesting said. She already knows they're on my "side", although I am not playing politics with anyone.

I was feeling really good. I put D2 down to bed there and prayed with her (she thanked God for "the moon and the stars and ni-night time"). But then WAW and I talked about the logistics of splitting finances. Nothing surprising, but I'm never excited to talk about anything related to the death (coma?) of our M. I tried to be positive and helpful.

I also practiced the latest 180 I identified for myself: intently listening. I printed and laminated a custom version of Sandi's 37. All rules I follow well are in green text. Anything I needed to work on is in red. Anything motivational is in blue. Rule 25 is in red...listen closely, make eye contact, don't interrupt, etc. I thought about that rule the entire time at her apt. I'm trying to practice this everywhere, though...work, friends, even on these boards. Trying not to formulate an opinion or thought too hastily.

She told me a little about the costume party she went to. Said that there weren't many people there. I feel dumb for feeling slightly happy about that. My mind-reading, rope-holding self was going crazy last night trying not to wonder if she was meeting a guy at the party. I freely admit my failure to detach lately. Feel a little better about it tonight. She did text me a picture of her in her costume today, which was the first non-D2 picture she's texted me since BD/S. I'm not reading into it at all, especially since I requested it on Friday. I was just happy to see her dressed up and having fun. It was a Peter Pan party and she was Wendy. I'm hoping she doesn't tell me about her social plans for a while until I have truly dropped the rope, though. Lots of ridiculous worrying over what was probably some eating, drinking and sitting around talking to her friends. And even if she was meeting someone, thinking about it anymore than I have to will be that much hell I put myself through unnecessarily.

Long way to go but I'm hoping for a good night's sleep to start the new week. I've been waking up at 2am, unable to go back to sleep, since phone call 1 week ago.

One other interesting/sad note from the trip to her hometown...MIL's latest ex-H is still a mess, 3 years after their D. He has not let go at all. I talked to him last year at thanksgiving and he broke down crying about MIL. I couldn't believe he was still that attached. He hadn't talked to her in 2 years at that point. Apparently he is no better today. He lives really close to SIL, and SIL says he randomly shows up at her house every few weeks and asks if MIL regrets leaving him, cries in her driveway, etc. I really feel bad for him and want to go into my own pocket for therapy. Lord does he need it. But it also makes me feel confident that that will NOT be me. I'm not that much of a mess as it is, and I'm in the middle of the crisis. Thank God for DB, although I hope I wouldn't be that messed up even if I did this completely on my own.

[Zues126]

Great story about the grieving divorcee. If there's ever proof that DBin is for us there it is. That won't be me either. I posted a comment on another thread about a guy I know that started dating again immediately after his wife left him. Didn't work out well, and now he feels terrible and is mad at himself.

I guess I'm lucky. My STBX was very open about bein with other guys, renewing her birth control, etc. at least my imagination doesn't haunt me. Honestly I'm not threatened. Not saying she won't find a guy and end up in a better LTR, any things possible. But I just know I'll take care of me and it will be ok. I didn't say I'd get the outcome I desired. Just that I have learned life isn't about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you get.

[Card29]

Great points, Zues. I'm sorry to hear your STBX is openly pursuing others as well. I hope to handle it as healthy as you someday soon. There really is nothing I can do for her right now, so I shouldnt think about it as much. I'm at least trying to be positive and make lasting changes in life that were long overdue. Maybe if she looks, she will get hope for our M.

I saved part of your last comment on Maybell's thread. WAW has a ton of work to do on herself, and has some serious soul-searching to do, before we could potentially have a successful M again. If she can hide all of her pain until she rips our family apart without warning, that is a sign of seriously bad mental health. She is severely depressed and I credit her for trying to fight out of that. She is seeing a therapist and is regularly taking meds. Hopefully she "comes up to me" to work with me someday. For now I am comfortable to be patient and give her space and time to work on herself.

[Card29]

Went to bed happy and mildly detached, but woke up with a knot in my stomach. Hasn't went away yet. Haven't had to deal with nausea due to the sitch since July. I really want to get back to my late Sept /early Oct mentality of:

- Patient to wait, work on myself and find independent happiness
- Hopeful, without expectation, that our M can be restored
- Confident that I will be okay if it is not

Right now, my grades on those three categories are probably:

- C
- B-
- D+

[Maybell]

You should be grading yourself on a curve. Given the time you've had to get accustomed to this situation, re-evaluate.

[Card29]

I'm also struggling with a thought that I wish I'd had during our R talk 1 week ago. She told me in July and she told me last week that she "had no idea I even loved her" before BD. I have felt terrible for not showing her. But I re-read 5LL's and realized that I was showing her, just not in a language that she hears. I thought I was being the perfect H (based on what my dad did wrong when I was growing up). Once she started school, I stayed home every single night after work and all day every weekend, taking care of D1 (at the time), dogs, house, meals. I didn't play golf, I didn't go to basketball games, I didn't hang out with friends. I was 100% domestic support. I thought all women would have loved this, but she wasn't fulfilled with that. I don't feel slighted by that, because I love acting like a SAHD. But I was unaware that LL's or EN's existed as distinctly as they do, and I was also unaware that she was not being fulfilled by that.

I'm just writing this down so that if the topic comes up again, I will hopefully remember to say a more succinct version of this. Maybe: "I was showing you love by taking care of everything at home while you got through school. I was not aware that that wasn't fulfilling you emotionally, and it's okay that it wasn't. There are others ways for that to happen which I'm willing to learn."