Inside my chrysalis 6

[Ss06]

Oh my word. I cannot express my gratitude to you Shining and Claure and Card and Maybell and ganb8te and Ahoy... And all of you.

Shining, I needed to read every word you wrote. Every. Single. Word. I have been so low and made so many pitfalls and backtracks and then gotten low again. So low that I honestly could not get off the floor yesterday and I didn't stop crying for hours upon hours.

I feel like I've aged 10 years in three months. Seriously.

I'm very wrapped up in my confusion with him spending so much time around me. He invited me to lunch today with D. I miss D so much when she's at his place that it's hard to turn down invites that include her. I got in his car and saw a notebook on the floor. It was entitles "sings about her". Great. I inhaled, furrowed my brow, sat silently for a minute and decided to not let it ruin lunch.

I'm not sure I did great but 1. I didn't cry about it all day and spend the rest of the day on the floor, 2. H did ask me if I was ok, that it seemed I got into a bad mood right when I got into his car (he knew), 3. It's part of his process and I can't fix him.

Shining, your process is mine. I think I can fix him. You nailed it. Dead on.

It'll take sometime for me to come to terms with the reality of that but I AM working harder at self-focus rather than focusing on him. Right now that means self-care.

Emotional, physical, spiritual care, every day. One day at a time. One step at a time.

I need to find my value without extraneous things. My value does not increase because I'm married to H, it doesn't increase because of my job, or because I'm a mom. What am I worth? To me? To others? What is my value?

I don't know who I am if I'm not H's wife, or D's mom, or Kelsey's BFF. I'm a karate mom, a library volunteer, an ex college swimmer, a college drop out, currently underemployed at Banana Republic, a child abuse survivor, a yoga enthusiast, an Italian food expert, a wine connoisseur...

But WHO am I? That's all stuff that I use to define me but when that's all gone, what's left. Only what I build, right?

I am on the slow search for my big girl panties but I am finding them, with your support. I'm just not sure they fit.

Should I be hanging out with H so much? Should I just put a hold on that for a while? It's confusing for me and it seems like a crutch for him. What do you all think?

It's hard to be ME focused when around him. It's clear he enjoys my company but maybe a week off. He hits NY next weekend and I'm super busy this week so it might happen naturally. I can reevaluate after that.

This stuff has absolutely brought me to my knees. It's not just hard, it's Herculean and not for the weak hearted.

I'll get there. I know I will. One day at a time.

Claire, I'm sorry about the pictures on the night stand today. I'm impressed with your strength and ability to recognize the hurt in the moment and move on with the day. I hope to get there. I will get there. It might take me a year but I'll get there.

I have to be honest, it would be super easy to become a functioning alcoholic during this journey. Super easy. Not saying I have a problem. One glass a wine a week does not a problem make but I can definitely see it as an easy way to numb this horrible pain.

[Card29]

Shining, that hit deep with me, too. I am scared of this journey tonight because for the first time since I started DB, I don't think I can do it. I'm always checking Ss's threads because I'm rooting for her, but also because of some similarities in our sitches and the peaks and valleys of our roller coasters.

Ss, I'm really hoping you have a great day soon. I was I had some wisdom for you regarding your conundrum of spending (too much?) time with WAH. I am a wreck this week and especially tonight, so any helpful advice I give would only be luck. I'll spare you and step aside for someone more stable to give you some insight

[Cadet]

I often read, and have spoken to a few, who ONLY regret that they took so long to really put the work into themselves.
Their only regret was waiting, stalling, hesitating.

I would not dwell on this.

Each person figures it out in their own time frame.

Just like we can not speed up their journey, we can also not speed up Yours.

We each do it at our own pace.

Their are no shortcuts or easy buttons.

[Ss06]

Card, wouldn't an easy button be great right now? Ah huh, it really would.

Well, I'm rooting for you, too. Our situations and roller coasters are similar and both new so we both struggle with settling into this journey.

I keep fighting it. Adapting and accepting are weaknesses of mine. I always adjust the situation to suit me and clearly that's not going to work here.

It takes physical and constant effort, Card, to stop thinking about him, what he's doing, thinking, his mindset, the impact on our D... I physically have to say out loud to myself, "STOP"!!!! I then try to direct my thoughts elsewhere.

Thinking about him and my situation just spirals and turns into me on the floor in tears. I see the pattern and I'm trying to break it. What is your pattern? What can you do to break yours?

Strangely I'm day dreaming about moving. Moving to Northern California. I submitted my resume for a position up there and I'm mentally day dreaming about living there. I even looked to see if there's a karate studio nearby so the transition would be smoother for D. The schools are incredible, teacher /student ratio awesome, near my BFF, near a big city that I love, better weather. Granted it's pricey but given what I hear alimony and child support could be, that may not be much of an issue.

It's not good because I've gone from one obsessive thought to another, I recognize that but it's helping me survive right now... And I'm not on the floor crying.

MWD says that sometimes doing nothing is doing something. I am not good at doing nothing... But it's something I'm going to get good at I think.

Saw H this morning really quickly and they are coming over to carve pumpkins later. Seeing so much is starting to get old so my plan is to throw myself into D and pumpkins maybe some baking, too. Anything but H.

[LisaB]

Hey Ss, random thought but what if you leave D and H together with the pumpkins and go out and do something fun! Wouldn't that be a 180? Get dressed up, and when H gets there say "oh hey have fun with the pumpkins, I have plans tonight ta ta!" and take your cute little self out the door. See a movie or whatever.

I know you love spending time with D but it seems like your H just playing house with you and always hanging around is not really working! Maybe you can shake things up and make him wonder if you have a date.

Just an idea.

And also I like the idea to move to Northern Cal. It is great up there! But darn expensive, although LA real estate is not cheap Nor Cal is CRAZY! Lots of well paying jobs though!

Good luck! Hugs, Lisa

[Ss06]

Thanks for suggesting that, Lisa. It's 1:10 right now and I have to leave around 3 for a photo session an hour away. So, I'll just leave them to it.

NorCal. It's sounding better and better.

[Gotan74]

Ss one day at a time. You can't make him feel differently, only he can decide that you can make him happy. I'm going through that now and it will drive you crazy. You can see that they want to be with you but you can't understand why they just don't come home. It hurts and is very confusing but keep up the good work and remember to take car of yourself.

[Georgiabelle]

SS,

You are one strong lady who has dealt with a great deal of caca in life. I know you are in a place you don't want to be, however you WILL get through to the other side.

This probably has been mentioned, but I'm just tossing out an idea. It sounds like your h likes to "hang out." I know you want to and hope that he sees the changes you are making. I would suggest pulling back a bit. Not in a cold way, just decline some things. I think that may help with your detachment a bit and help you get your mind to a better place. Just a thought.

Hang in there:-)

[Jefe]

"You can see that they want to be with you but you can't understand why they just don't come home. It hurts and is very confusing..."

Well put, Gotan. That's exactly how I feel some days.

[bravo61]

Prayers Ss. I know its tough. These WAS suck!!!!!!