I'm in the process of letting go, but still clearly holding a bit of anger and resentment. But I know I'm getting closer because I think I can finally envision a day when I won't feel those things. Not there yet, but closer.
I know people will disagree with me, but my anger and emotions are directed at me. Not so much him, when I see him I now feel very little. Apart from pity at what he thinks he's gained and the expense of not doing the necessary business need to be done.
After watching brene browns v talk, I kind of had these thoughts.
I opened up as he asked, I took a huge risk he did not, he asked for friendship he has not carried his end, he refused to be vulnerable at all.
There comes a time when any in put from you is wasted and pointless. I think like me you have reached that point.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
He walked out on me exactly one year ago. I can't believe I am someone whose husband walked out on her. I can't believe it's been an entire year since that happened. It still feels so surreal. Will there ever be a time in my life when I think about what's happened and not cry?
One year has passed, and now I have to face a second round of milestones-- my wedding anniversary next week. Thanksgiving, my D's birthday, New Year's, my H's birthday, and on and on. Forever.
Even among the few women I know who are divorced, I can only think of two whose husbands walked out on them like mine. One of them is purely evil-- trying to take away custody, leaving her nearly penniless. Nearly all the divorced women I know left their husbands.
When I think of that, I feel small and sad and humiliated. I feel betrayed not only by him, but by his entire family and nearly all his friends who have stood by him while he walked out on his wife-- a loving, honest, beautiful person.
I'm spinning myself into a fit right now. But I'm still so hurt and angry. I hate him. I HATE HIM.
I had an amazing GAL weekend-- drinks with colleagues on Friday. Great day with D and visit with old friends (who are exceptionally loving, kind, positive people) yesterday, and an awesome cooking class today.
I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to wish him well. What he's done is not right.
I know I need to focus on me and all the progress I've made, and all that's good in my life. But right now at this moment my heart is hurting a lot. And I need to let myself feel that right now. I've been through a lot.
It's weird how these arbitrary days make our hearts leap out of our chests. When at the end of the day, the progress we have all made healing and growing hasn't gone away.
We are just reminded of the past. We feel the grief but it passes....
This will pass too.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
Claire, I haven't been following your situation until very recently. I'm so sorry you're 12 months into this, and you know what? You don't have to wish him well. F'him and feed him fish heads.
As a member of the male species, I am dumbfounded how a man walks out on his wife with a 2 year old. I don't care if your wife is a screaming shrew and hasn't given you sex in 12 months. Suck it up man, and take care of business.
OK, sorry. Soap Box mode: off
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Claire, I haven't been following your situation until very recently. I'm so sorry you're 12 months into this, and you know what? You don't have to wish him well. F'him and feed him fish heads.
As a member of the male species, I am dumbfounded how a man walks out on his wife with a 2 year old. I don't care if your wife is a screaming shrew and hasn't given you sex in 12 months. Suck it up man, and take care of business.
OK, sorry. Soap Box mode: off
My husbands fave statement was he never got sex for a year with w1. I bet he tells ow w2 was fridged as w1. He would give me a lecture now I never made a move on him, then absolutely reject me when i did, saying no and leaving the house. I would beg him not to, he would not reconsider.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Claire, feeling better today? Sounds like you had a great weekend minus the grieving your loss.
Your question about when you will stop crying about this-I have no answer but I know that our grief lives in us and may pop up time to time. Don't take your grief as a sign that somethings's wrong with you, I think it makes you very normal. My mom's been dead for 7 years, we had a complicated relationship, and I still occasionally cry because I miss her.
I strongly believe that we can change our thoughts/change our life so I would suggest a new internal response to this: "I am someone whose husband walked out on her." to "My husband chose to walk away from our troubled marriage because of things in him. I took responsibility for my role and have used this time to become a stronger Claire."
You could also add: So he can go pound sand! Have a good week.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thank you, labug, and everyone for the kind words and support.
Treated myself to a good night's sleep last night, so even though I didn't get all my work done for today, at least I woke up feeling less exhausted.
We all (me, D, H) have to live with the impact of his choice to abandon the marriage. I can choose to live in the best possible way. Our choices in how we live can define us.
And while I'm not closing the door on anything, I am not actively "DBing". I am pulling back a lot, responding only when necessary, focusing just on me and my daughter.
And it may be that I push him away by doing that.
But I decided that I need this to help me fully detach. My expectations had been pretty low, and there have even been some big positives, but I was still feeling stuck.
He asked me to put D to sleep last night even though it was his night. I assume he had plans--maybe football, maybe a date, who the F cares).
So when he texted me to say thanks for filling the car up with car and for taking care of bedtime, I didn't respond. The only response I can think of that sounds honest is "you're welcome", and I feel like that would come across as nasty. Sometimes no response is a response, right?
Have a good week.