BD and 6 months later PA confirmed (2)

[Bunches]

So tonight seemed odd to me....not that it meant anything. I have just been working on PMA recently and trying to focus on my life. W has started to call every night to talk to S at bed time which is not always easy but makes sense.

Tonight was her night of the week to drop by and take him out for a few hours before bringing him home. She was late because of some problem at work so she met us at the playground at my apartment complex. She was frustrated with work and started to tell me about her problems which is abnormal. Then she kind of shut down but asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her and S. I didn't decline but gave the idea I had other things I needed to do. Anyhow, we ended up going. It was weird though, she spent most of the time spaced out and felt like I was reaching here and there for conversation so I just focused on S instead and things about him happening these days. She insisted on paying for dinner but then realized she didn't have enough money so I had to pay. She then insisted on depositing the money back into my account tomorrow.

Another weird thing...she is having an uncomfortable situation with a coworker she told me and said she didn't want me to get upset but they were good friends she thought until he wanted to make more out of it. She declined which she said gesturing to me "for obvious reasons" and then things haven't been the same since. I didn't press any questions there because I felt like I would be turning the conversation to 'us' but not thinking about how much guys like that worry me....what does for obvious reasons mean? I know I can't answer that and just need to focus on me but like I said at the beginning, weird night.

[Barrybran]

Not much you can do really. She'll voice her thoughts when she's ready. How's the interstate work option going?

[Bunches]

Hey Barry, glad to hear from you. The job out of town is not really going anywhere, I haven't heard back from them but I did find out about a local opportunity that may pan out. Interview is this next week. Thanks for asking.

[Barrybran]

Good luck with the interview :-)

[Bunches]

I'm thinking about going NC again or very little. With S living here I will have to interact with W when needed but I feel like all I'm doing is making things harder on myself by trying to give her plenty of opportunity for interaction. Its gotten to the point where we talk every night for S bedtime and now are doing small things with each other. We had dinner during her visit with S last week when she invited me to come along and today I invited her to join us for carving pumpkins for Halloween.

It's not a tactic, actually if anything I think it won't play in my favor but I can't keep a PMA like this. I've actually gone back to being more depressed these days because I'm thinking about her after every interaction. She may think I'm cutting her off from getting to talk to S every day but its really not about that. If they could just talk to each other I would get him a phone but he can't so it just becomes her talking to me every night. It's been 1 year in 10 more days and still so hard.

[Jefe]

The 2.5 months is killing me. I couldn't even imagine a year. My heart goes out for you, Bunches. Maybe going dim would do you guys both some good for the moment.

[Barrybran]

Gotta look after yourself and your son first, Bunches. Anything with your wife is a bonus. Do what you need to to bring your happiness and confidence back.

[Bunches]

Today is one year since BD. Hard not to think about it even at work. Nothing seems to have changed recently. Just coasting along with the sitch being the same as the last couple of months.

Got into a conversation recently about money with her. She wanted to ask my advice and went on to tell me how she has never respected her parents ability to manage money but that it was something she knew she could trust me with. She is talking about declaring bankruptcy and wanted to know what I thought she should do.

She also insisted on paying me back $6k she took against her credit card to loan her mother. The debt will be wiped out if she declares bankruptcy but she feels like she owes it to me because I paid most of that credit card off for her at the beginning of the year and then she drew the money to cash to loan MIL who can't pay it back. She started to say something about not wanting to take things from me anymore but then looked like she was about to get choked up and just changed the subject.

Have completely fallen out of GAL activities. Work is depressing these days, nothing much happening so its very boring most days. Not a lot of time to myself so I try to come up with things to do with S without spending a lot of money.

[Bunches]

Seems like I've failed to follow the DB rules again. W called today saying she wanted to talk. She wanted to 'inquire' about the D. I started by letting her know that it's not what I want but that I couldn't stop her and she would do what she needed to. Of course I slipped when she got emotional and told her what I thought again. I said that I thought we needed to try and she responded by saying she had tried and was done trying.

I should have expected this after she had a weekend with some friends who probably asked the state of things and told her that she would feel better once she moved on with her life. She told me that she felt like it was time we both moved on with our lives. Told me it had been a year and that was enough. Feels now like she has just been waiting because someone may have told her se should just to see if anything changed.

I feel now more than ever that I just need to walk away from all of it. I've been giving it a few extra days trying to be sure I was ready to stop talking to her every night on the phone so she can say goodnight to S. I can't do it anymore. It would be one thing if I was better at detaching or if S was getting something out of it. But he doesn't. He never even wants to...he just gives me back the phone immediately every time now.

I'm just done right now...

[Sotto]

Bunches, rather than make a 'big' decision. Why not just stop the evening calls. Let your W know that isn't working for you - or for S....Perhaps there are different ways she can keep in touch with your S that aren't so intrusive to your evenings?