You are walking into a landmine with this list. I do not believe your wife is in a stable frame of mind. I believe if you give her the list you wrote it will start a huge fight that will destroy your marriage.
You don’t know what caused the sudden change in your wife’s behavior or what motivated her movement back to your marriage. Pointing out her flaws will only anger her. She won’t be receptive. The list you wrote should be given to your wife under the strict supervision of a marriage counselor.
If I could translate your list this is what you wrote:
“My wife is a very impatient and scattered person. She is negative about our marriage and lives a very unhealthy lifestyle. I am fairly certain she has mental health issues and wish she would consider professional help for depression and alcoholism. She suffers from mood swings, sweats the small stuff and is a control freak. I wish she would just learn to relax and stop taking life so seriously. I don’t think she even knows who she is any more. One thing I’m sure about—she has given up on the marriage.”
Maybe a better list would be something not so personal. For example, the “Do List” would have:
-Move back home full time. -Agree to a date night. -Agree to marriage counseling.
The “Don’t List” would have:
-Don’t use the word “divorce” -Don’t go to bars without me. (I think this is a huge issue with you. You said you believe this scene is dangerous. I agree. She should know you feel this way. If she says you have nothing to worry about you reply, “You asked me to write a “don’t list”) -Don’t text, email, call or socialize with men who are not your relatives unless I am with you. (Again-She texts another man “almost daily and has hung out with him alone on certain occasions” and “this always burned you up inside” which caused you to “snap at her or give the cold shoulder.” This shouldn’t be a surprise since you say she already knows this "friendship" upsets you but is unwilling to stop it despite your feelings.)
We already know what is going to be on her list. You said she doesn’t feel she can rely on you and you are more like “another child” to her. You are an easy-going people-pleaser.
As a man, you need to understand how these qualities can equally attract and repeal.
Easy-going people-pleasers are wonderful to be married to. They are attentive and thoughtful. They are warm and considerate. They are selfless and hard-working.
But they rarely tell their spouse how they really feel and suffer in silent fury instead of expressing their anger. The result is they often become conflict avoidant grudge holders who piously punish their spouse in passive aggressive ways because their spouse failed to mind read and give them what they wanted.
Easy-going people-pleasers usually respond to problems in a marriage with genuine hand-wringing despair about their failure as a spouse. But rarely engage in conflict-resolution.
Something you did very right (and should be applauded for) was your refusal to move out of your home. I can’t imagine how difficult this was for you. But, you took control of your marriage and forced her to make a decision—If she wanted out then she could leave. It appears your strong position has given her pause to think.
You should examine other choices you made and ask yourself when you should have taken a stronger stand.
You said you live paycheck to paycheck. But you also said your wife has new vehicle payments. Do you mean you bought a “brand new” car while living paycheck to paycheck? Or do you mean you had to buy a car even though you were living paycheck to paycheck (like the emergency with the water heater) and you bought the best car you could within your budget?
Money is a huge issue in marriage. Believe it or not, there is a stronger probability your wife will leave if you keep building debt then if you build assets. Do not keep sinking into a mountain of debt while your wife is watching single friends “enjoy” a carefree lifestyle. The temptation to run away, find someone else and start over will kick in. Especially when she watches men with money romance her girlfriends.
Keep a clear head and a clear set of expectations when you meet with your wife tomorrow. Anything you say will probably trigger an argument, so keep your list short, neutral and positive.
When she gives her list…which is probably the “real” reason for the meeting (she wants to tell you her needs) listen, parrot back, compliment, ask for input, and then make her a change agent.
For example, if she says, “I want you to take more control of the finances.”
You respond. “I can see how taking more control of the finances would be a positive thing for our marriage. I think you have been very smart about our finances so I would like your input as we transition and restructure everything. What do you think? Can we work as a team on this?”
Hope414, thank you sooo much for the valuable insight.
I read your post yesterday morning. Read it probably 12 times in fact. I knew my list sounded accusatory, blaming her for most of the problems. I revised the list and steered it to things we BOTH needed to work on or things that she had mentioned she wanted/needed in the past: -move back home together -spend time by herself, ALONE in a relaxing environment -have dates with me
The only "don't" I had was not to use or think about the "D" word.
Her list for me was fairly simple were things she usually asked of me: -clean up after myself -go out w/ my friends more (GAL separate from her socially, which I've been doing fairly regular) -Keep busy
We had a very positive interaction and even spent the evening cuddling on the couch together. We both plan on moving forward slowly and patiently.
Thank you very much, Hope, that meant alot to me to hear the things you wrote. Really made me take a step back and see it from that accusatory angle you mentioned. Made a ton of sense to me.
Peace
M 39 W 39 T 16, M 15 S 12, 9 Sep 07/26/14 11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
Haven't written in awhile. Things just got real "real" . She went out with her friends last night, I stayed home will our sons.like we've done all through this separation. She texts me at 2 this morning telling me she wants to be picked up from her mom's. I went and got her. She was still drunk. First thing she says when she gets into the car is that she has had an affair. Some one night stand a couple of weeks ago, when she started to come around to wanting to work things out, incidentally. She says she feels "gross" and "ashamed" . I was/am pissed. She expressed remorse, but no tears. She says she doesn't know what she wants. I said I am hurt an angry, but I don't know either. So hurt now. Please help. I don't know what to do.
M 39 W 39 T 16, M 15 S 12, 9 Sep 07/26/14 11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
Ikym, I'm really sorry to hear this. Most people on these boards have had to deal with the revelation of infidelity at some point, and there is no getting around how excruciating it is.
You're asking what to do - and the best advice right now is do nothing. Give yourself time to absorb. Avoid saying things, however justified, that you might regret later. Take care of yourself and your boys for the next few days and check back here often.
I know this sounds crazy, but this is the time now to be your best self before this affair goes farther. Can you guys get away for a vacation together asap? Rebuild some positivity, be spontaneous? I wish I would have done this.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
My weekly report: As you recall, last Sunday (the 26th ) she told me she had a one night stand in late September. I was, of course, devastated and furious. I drove around cussing and yelling for awhile. Then I thought" I love her.I can forgive her. "I went home. She was sleeping. I woke her and told her I forgive her and want to get past this. The rest of the day was awkward and painful. We ended up having sex. We both felt better and close. I mentioned we should get away sometime soon. She agreed. So all last week I was planning a getaway which she was into. We even blew off the last hour of work Thursday to meet up for beer. Which was awesome. I had dinner with her at the house. Made out before I left. She texts me later wishing that I'd stayed. But I knew we'd be together Friday for the boy's Halloween. Halloween she was a complete 180. Angry, impatient, acting like a baby. Saturday I worked in the yard most the day. We had a decent day. Took a nap together and had sex. Then she went to her girlfriend' s then her mom's. Texted telling me she loved me. Then yesterday after I got home from church with the boys, she was there and I could tell she was not right. We had planned to go on a drive to look at fall colors. About ten minutes in she says she's "filing" . Of course I was shocked, since everything seemed to be getting better. I reverted to pleading and reasoning. She wouldn't budge. She says I "deserve better" than her" craziness" . I told her it doesn't matter how crazy she is, I'd be there with her. She wasn't having it. I left got drunk and called my dad She called later and said she "doesn't know what she wants. She can't live with or without me". I am hurt and don't know what to do. I wish she'd get professional help. But I can't force her. Please pray for us. Thank you.
M 39 W 39 T 16, M 15 S 12, 9 Sep 07/26/14 11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
