Plain vanilla

[JohnJC]

Wow, Vanilla, I don't blame you for wanting out. It sounds, at least according to this perspective, that this is something miserable inside of him as opposed to something you are doing wrong. I never, ever even considered being even close to this level of critical to my wife. Just the opposite, in fact. If I DID actually go about my interactions like this I wouldn't blame her for leaving at all.

I wonder if he's trying to push you away or make you leave?

[Vanilla]

Wow, Vanilla, It sounds, at least according to this perspective, that this is something miserable inside of him as opposed to something you are doing wrong.

I wonder if he's trying to push you away or make you leave?

John thank you for your kindness. I am not entirely blameless in this, my poor reactions have escalated this to this pitch. It takes one to tango to bring this down a notch or two so that it is capable of living with.

H is compulsive and not in management of that.

Sadly it's illness, just like my diabetes and it needs managing.

H is a charming, lively, warm and sexy man when all of this is managed properly. There are still glimpses of this from time to time. Only H can work on himself. His behaviour has deteriorated in relation to our M faster because clearly I have not reacted to it in the most effective way.

I have long since detached from H and his behaviour, seeking reasons for it have caused me too much lost time. I accept it for what it is and usually there is something somewhere in the background that emerges. Often it is some unmet perceived slight or need. Could even be the driver that cut him up or that his beer was too cold.

No blame here for H as that would not add anything or help.

I find it helps me to project active love from my tummy to him, as this affects my attitude and posture in a PMA way.
John, just add some positive stuff to your interactions. I don't tell H ILY but I try to project it even when I am in the bad place in my interactions. And do you know it has worked a little, the frequency of this negativity is reducing.
I love H and meant my vows to him, and the DB approach gives me tools to work my part.
Thank you for caring
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Sandi
You have given me pause for thought.
I need to compose off line so won't respond very quickly, as there is a lot of washing machine in my head.

Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Quote:
I am searching for answers but can't find potential WAWs in my sitch on the site. Lots of LBS trying hard but how does one behave in order to get a potential LBS to wake up. Do I really have to walk away? Do Sandi2 rules apply in part or in whole to the potential WAW? Quote

Quote
Vanilla, I don't think that you are a potential WAW. At least, not the kind that seems to be infamous here on the DB board. You may be thinking of giving up and leaving, but from what I have read, you are the one trying to save the M from D. The WAW is a woman who usually (not always) has become wayward. In nearly every story here in Newcomers, there is a third party involved. It is very rare to find a stitch where there is no infidelity on the part of the WAS (or they are on the prowl and/or acting out in other ways). Quote

Sandi thank you for thereview of my sitch.
I confess I had not thought of it this way. I don't think that I am wayward: misguided and unhappy but not wayward. Wayward isn't in my playbook.

There is no OM, not even an tiny minute glimmer of one. It has always been core to my belief that one relationship should finish, sorted so that there is room for a new one. Besides as my grandma used to say ' if they'll do it with you then they'll do it to you'. I see myself as the faithful type and the closest I have ever been to bad behaviour is an unwanted kiss with the office leach under the mistletoe. Yuk. Who wants a partner like that. Maybe that takes away the mystery, old faithful at home et al, which is why I need to GAL. I am GAL for my life and loving it, but with my GAL pals (pun intended).

As for H as far as I can see there is no OW but nothing would surprise me these days as he is so compulsive and who knows if someone offers it ' on a plate for free' (another of grandma's sayings) then I don't know what he would do. Suspect H needs his home comforts instead.

Quote
I cannot imagine what it must be like for you! I say it with kindness and, I hope, with tenderness when I tell you that you do not seem to have the description of the wayward wife. The problems that exist with your H comes closer to the picture. It sounds as if you are getting the support along with IC for the situation you are in. Quote

Thank you, yes every help I can, as much as I can. From every source, this stuff is very hard.

Quote The main reason I am concerned about you referring to yourself as a potential WAW is that it may complicate or confuse your position and affect the advice you receive, as well as the advice you give to others....based on the concept of the WAW. I hope that makes sense. Sometimes I don't how to word things the way I want to relate the message. There is definitely a need in your life and you certainly can receive support here, as well as give it. I just want you to get the right kind for what fits your position.....which is saving your M. If I am wrong, you can correct me. smile quote

I guess I don't know where I fit? A potential LBS? I guess now I am working for my marriage then my strategies changed. My M is very important to me and I love H. H likes to play the nice good guy and wants everyone to believe he is generous and loving. But it leaks sometimes.

Quote
You are right that you won't find many WAW's here, b/c they aren't wanting to save the M. That is usually the defining line. Some WAW's have shown up after their wayward behavior caught up with them. Quote

Got it.
Quote
Your issues about setting boundaries seem to come from a place of shame and regret of your own reaction. Quote

Yes that's true. Plus the stronger the boundaries I set the more H reacts badly and the more tantrums and hurtful bad place stuff I get in return. Detachment has served me better, tantrums are reduced from two or three a day to two or three a week. Seems a step in the right direction.

Quote I hope you can forgive yourself for reacting with the banshee stuff, but let me tell you....your reaction (right or wrong) does not excuse his bad behavior nor does it give him a free pass to mistreat you. Okay? I want you to get this. Just b/c you see where you were wrong, doesn't mean you have to put up with cr@p. He is/has inflicted you with a lot of pain for a long time. He's lucky all he got was some screaming! Not that it changed anything, just saying.... Quote

Yes, I see it. In the world of compulsion and wilful selfish behaviour then I haven't been the best at reacting. My other reaction is hurt hobbit which is how I reacted initially, withdrawing to lick my wounds and cry but this is also considered manipulative behaviour. I soon stopped it as it made me feel worse. I got an IC instead where I could release.
Quote
Just as there's no justification for a WAS having an A b/c they were unhappy and miserable for years, same rule applies here, don't you agree? His behavior/mistreatment is not justified b/c of how you responded to him. Quote

H thinks it is. I am not mind reading H, but the more I detach from his behaviour the easier this is getting for me and the more pleasant my life is today almost tolerable. Less drama and screaming banshee feelings.

Thank you for caring

Vanilla

[Wonka]

Hiya, Vanilla.

I just want to interrupt very, very briefly to teach you how to do quotes.

All you have to do is type:

bracket quote equal PosterName bracket

*Paste comments in between that you want to highlight*

bracket backslash quote bracket

You must spell out "quote" the rest use symbols ^^.

For example:

I think you are AWESOME!!

The other method is to use the Quote push button at the bottom instead of hitting the reply push button. However, when one does that, it just quotes the entire post and you'll have to erase portions you don't want quoted/included.

Hope this is helpful to you.

[sandi2]

H thinks it is. I am not mind reading H, but the more I detach from his behaviour the easier this is getting for me and the more pleasant my life is today almost tolerable. Less drama and screaming banshee feelings.

DBing is about doing what works for you. If setting boundaries seem to backfire and detaching is better, then do what's best for Vanilla.

Every stitch is different somewhat, and the way another person handled their's may not apply for you.

I wouldn't worry about what to call yourself (WAW or LBW) at this time. You are not wayward, and you are standing for your M. I think that says a lot about you, Vanilla.

I believe there are others here who may be able to offer support/help who have suffered in similar situations. I know I have read similar from time to time, but right now my poor memory fails to recall a particular name.

Thank you for caring

I do care, and that's why I felt impressed to send that post about a WAW. As I said, I don't want you identifying with wrong advice based on being misfit, or whatever. If there comes a time you have to leave b/c of him....I still think it will be different than the one who leaves out of their own selfishness/waywardness.

If he ever gets physical, please don't stay there. Protect yourself first and foremost. You should not tolerate abuse of any type.

[Vanilla]

H thinks it is. I am not mind reading H, but the more I detach from his behaviour the easier this is getting for me and the more pleasant my life is today almost tolerable. Less drama and screaming banshee feelings.

DBing is about doing what works for you. If setting boundaries seem to backfire and detaching is better, then do what's best for Vanilla.

[/color]I have decided to try soft boundary setting but needs to be when H is sober. I can't try it when he has a drink in him.

[color:#000000]Every stitch is different somewhat, and the way another person handled their's may not apply for you.

I wouldn't worry about what to call yourself (WAW or LBW) at this time. You are not wayward, and you are standing for your M. I think that says a lot about you, Vanilla.

I believe there are others here who may be able to offer support/help who have suffered in similar situations. I know I have read similar from time to time, but right now my poor memory fails to recall a particular name.

Thank you for caring

I do care, and that's why I felt impressed to send that post about a WAW. As I said, I don't want you identifying with wrong advice based on being misfit, or whatever. If there comes a time you have to leave b/c of him....I still think it will be different than the one who leaves out of their own selfishness/waywardness.

If he ever gets physical, please don't stay there. Protect yourself first and foremost. You should not tolerate abuse of any type.

[color:#FF0000][/color]I don't think H would physically hurt me but he is very very angry at the moment and it is spilling over into aggression. I say away from him when he is in that mood. But it can flair at any time.

Thank you Sandi, will be careful how I summarise my Sitch in future. If there is anyone in a similar Sitch would appreciate knowing.

We had the following exchange at work. I have an arrangement where I pay him for the work he does at market rate.
Conversation went as follows:

H: I need to tell you about my pay. At the rate you pay me- you are taking the p***. You will pay me a much increased pay rate or that is selfish and you are taking advantage of me.
Me: You are being paid the rate for the job
H: No I am not, if you don't give me more I leave at the end of this month
Me :Fine

Then I left and went for coffee and lunch with a member of staff who was horrified at the way H spoke to me. I think it was the sneering tone.

OK - Time to check boundary infringement- when I had calmed down.

Me: I need to talk to you about this mornings conversation
H: I don't
Me: Please wait and listen
H: OK
Me: I feel that these exchanges are unpleasant. I do not want this to continue- if you have an issue with a business issue then please discuss this with me in a civil manner. I don't have any problems with discussing these things in a reasonable way.
H: Its your fault, you are selfish and always want what you want and you never consider my feelings or what is important to me. In fact you don't consider anyone else at all and they ALL agree with me how selfish you are. For example I don't know what you are doing this weekend at all- are you going away to see your parents?
You don't keep me in the loop, what is happening this evening and tomorrow?
Me: No I am not going to Aged Ps tomorrow, I do not want to take this chest infection to my parents because of their age.
H: OK then leaves

I am unsure if this was a good thing for me to do or not. This is very new for me.

In the past I would have said nothing and just acted as if nothing had happened.

Do I act as if H did not say anything, do I review his pay with him, do I look for a replacement?

I really don't know.

Another interaction 20 minutes ago

Me: I am going home to cook a meal this evening and clear the fridge for tomorrow. Do you want to eat with me, shall I leave some food for you?
H: No I don't feel like it
Me: OK

20 mins later

H: I have revised my mind I would like to eat, what are you cooking
Me: I thought a Pasta with onions, tomatoes, garlic, peppers and blue cheese sauce with Pesto
H: Sounds good I'll go home and prepare the vegetables

What is going on?

I am close to tears and will go to the house to cook. Will not let H see this sadness.

Regards

Vanilla

[jim0987]

It sounds like your doing OK to me. Obviously tone and volume will make a big difference (tone is still a big issue for me) so you'll need to think on this but if you think it was fine then it probably was.

I wouldn't revisit the pay unless there was a business reason to.

The more I read of your situation the more it feels like your H is 'thrashing'.

On a different note i would replace the peppers with mushrooms

[Vanilla]

Thanks Jim
I have just spent a couple of hours looking up thrashing or tantrum behaviour in adults. Apparently it's very common and should not be tolerated.

Some interesting observations including a couple of u tube demonstrations on this. I am usually relying on memory when I write the outbursts down but one authority recommends recording such events.

I know I am very calm and quite placid so not reacting is easy. Not sure some of the other techniques of distracting and humour will be so easy! Might work with a three year old but finding a pacifier and rocking not so readily available.
As usual very helpful thank you Jim and Sandi

Will buy mushrooms tomorrow

I will try to get the quote thing correct soon.
Am told it could be something is disabled on the iPad. Must try harder....
Regards
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Thanks wonka for training session on quoting
May take me a while to get it.
My flailing fingers and poor ipad skills not withstanding

Tons
Vanilla