Very interesting discussion at gam anon about gratitude. Brought back memories of early evening childhood prayers and including our blessings. The older the child, the more the blessings that had to be found. Yesterday was a three blessing day!
Car battery needs to be replaced, was flat when I came out of the gym and had to blag a jump start. Went to local garage to buy jump leads and blagged a jump. Pouring rain and hair a messy helmet but was happy I coped ok.
Today am going with a friend to see the rememberence poppies in London, a once in a life time opportunity, some of the gam anon group went yesterday and found it very moving. Looking forward to that very much and will remember those lost in my family to the war. Some sad tears but part of the bravery that is the UK and its allies standing bravely against great odds. It reminds me to stand in courage. Regards Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Caught a chill last night, my chest is very tight and congested. Felt very tired and went home to rest. Reading and it's cold everywhere, so feeling dreadful. Long time since my ears and my head are so full, bad tummy, perhaps it's stress but think the lady version of man flu. Going to force myself to go GAL very soon, last day to see those poppies, 11th hour of 11th day of 11th month, must make an effort, will move in a short time. Aching and sore.
Move that butt girl, no sorry for self please. Vanilla get up and just go do it. Regards Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Home and honey with lemon. On a complete high for life nothing can spoil this for me, glad to have made the effort. My nose is as glowing as the red I have seen. H was not for once very drunk when I arrived and in good mood. Pleasant interaction indeed H has bought me a hand warmer. Was bemused but thanked him profusely. He had cooked some left over beef casserole and washed some of his clothes. Kitchen was tidy and clean, validated Hs feelings about the house sale going slowly and then left to rest my weary achy bones. H wanted to know if I am visiting aged Ps this weekend, can stay at favourite cousins house if needed. Was non committal as don't want to take my nasty bug to aged Ps. Detaching has left me somewhat unconcerned about Hs drinking. Part of my boundary is that whilst H is under the influence of drink then I will not engage in almost any discussion about emotives as he vents and spews. I am not sure any actions of mine will be seen in a good light at almost any time, the compulsions are in charge, and frankly distance is the only choice. Light breezy nothings are the order of the day, pure polite pleasantries and swift effective exits. H has stopped persuit and baiting conversation now there are no buttons to press. Well at least visible to him. My tears are all dried as they serve no purpose and I am starting to project active love towards H rather than distress and pity. I imagine empathy radiating from my tummy like laser lights to his battered body and I hope it helps. In my minds eye I bathe him in this for a few brief seconds and move on. H is ageing fast and looks deteriorated and worn. We both need to look in mirror of unvarnished truth and any minor enabling of mine must cease. I am determined to be vigilant. H ate a whole loaf of bread in the last few days, so I need to restock. A happy contented vanilla has read Jims thread again and loves his idea of cat like detachment. The world is at peace tonight. Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Had dentist today, triggered a headache and so needed some rest afterwards. Went alone. H went to see his bank manager and bought himself some new clothes, h's going to see his granddaughters tonight so house will be quiet and restful.
Means I don't have to prepare a meal.
I have been thinking about boundaries, and their importance particularly in reference to my core values. In the 12 steps we have to acknowledge our faults and make recompense to those we have harmed. One of those acknowledgements is the effect that the gamblers problem has on our own behaviour. For me nearly three and half years ago this meant the emergence of the screaming banshee. She grew in strength as Hs compulsions became less controlled and began her screeching, complaining, controlling and defensiveness. Not good as it deflects from H and allows him to externalise and blame his actions on something other than himself. A 180 and making the screaming banshee calm again prevents that deflection. It leaves me thinking about the boundary of contempt, how can I state that H has stepped over a core boundary when I too have infringed that boundary. No excuses for this, and the past can not be changed only behaviour amended. In the Catholic religion there is atonement and absolution : in the 12 steps there is apology and rectification except where to do so would cause harm. I have long since apologised and accepted that banshee has been spiteful and mean. H is ill, he is compulsive and he needs to manage that illness, his choice not mine. All the banshee does is get in the way of his understanding of his need to manage. My sponsor says that a compulsive will blame anything including the weather as an avoidance for recognising their behaviour but that we as significant others can appear to compulsives as genuinely at fault if we are not in recovery ourselves. My behaviour was unacceptable and inappropriate blocking my own recovery. It has been hard to stop, to detach, to press the pause button.
To face the pain of the damage and move forward is necessary to recovery. Move from the comfort zone, do something different. It is a hard uphill path. That is why contempt is not a core boundary for me. Unpleasant to accept and hard to rectify. Regards Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/12/1406:53 PM. Reason: Spelling and grammar
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm a little confused by this. Maybe I've misunderstood but you seem to be saying that you should accept being treated with contempt now and in the future because of the past?
There is a need to apoligise , change and make appropriate recompense but what your describing is 'eye for an eye' revenge. I personally don't think that's a good thing.
If I misinterpreted then please let me know.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I'm a little confused by this. Maybe I've misunderstood but you seem to be saying that you should accept being treated with contempt now and in the future because of the past?
There is a need to apoligise , change and make appropriate recompense but what your describing is 'eye for an eye' revenge. I personally don't think that's a good thing.
If I misinterpreted then please let me know.
Thanks Jim for your request for clarification.
Yes I guess that is what I am saying. How can I critise H for a boundary violation when I have done that myself? And not in a small way either! Not that I believe in an eye for an eye but it feels more appropriate to detach rather than enforce this boundary. My screaming banshee behaviour is largely in the past, but only the near past. I feel I need more time as this reaction is neither attractive nor effective. It causes flooding and makes me and H very uncomfortable. Largely I am deeply ashamed and regretful of this shadow behaviour. Doesn't mean that H swearing at me is acceptable though, nor is his blaming and sneering just means I am not escalating by poor reactions. I guess I feel very guilty for my past reactions. I can't drink near H as it's harder to control my reactions to his verbals. I am trying to ignore it rather than tackle this head on. STFU rather than screech. I am afraid to relapse.
Regards Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I think I have a better understanding now and that must be really hard for you. Guilt is a big deal but accepting contempt isn't going to help you deal with that guilt, I'd question if it helps in the short term
I've felt guilty about a range of things and as a result I've caved and not had boundaries (many other reasons as well but stick with simplicity for the moment) all that happened is that I made it OK to be treated poorly - did I feel better? Not even slightly, it made me get more snarky and resentful.
Boundaries are to protect you. Letting someone else violate them isn't going to help with guilt - its just going to hurt in different ways. Making meaningful changes to you, banishing the screaming banshee, that's the stuff that will help.
Can you think of a way to tackle the fear on relapsing. If you worry about it you make it more likely.
Last edited by jim0987; 11/12/1408:44 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Can you think of a way to tackle the fear on relapsing. If you worry about it you make it more likely.
Thank you, thank you. This is an observation and connection that I hadn't made before. You are absolutely right on the mark, having acknowledged and apologised why hasn't the guilt gone? Usually it does unless there is something more going on. The fear of relapsing is because of the shame I feel at the behaviour and possibly because H has never accepted the apology. The best way is to help my screaming banshee to more effective behaviours so the fear of relapse is reduced if not eliminated. I am going to meditate on this and perhaps discuss it in my GAanon meeting tomorrow. I need goals and a plan.
I really do get the boundary issue even though I am a long way from resolving it and that is why your posts have been so helpful to me and when reading your threads I see you struggle and succeed with this. It is assisting me a great deal even though your sitch is very different. Peace Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/12/1410:08 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am searching for answers but can't find potential WAWs in my sitch on the site. Lots of LBS trying hard but how does one behave in order to get a potential LBS to wake up. Do I really have to walk away? Do Sandi2 rules apply in part or in whole to the potential WAW?
Vanilla, I don't think that you are a potential WAW. At least, not the kind that seems to be infamous here on the DB board. You may be thinking of giving up and leaving, but from what I have read, you are the one trying to save the M from D. The WAW is a woman who usually (not always) has become wayward. In nearly every story here in Newcomers, there is a third party involved. It is very rare to find a stitch where there is no infidelity on the part of the WAS (or they are on the prowl and/or acting out in other ways).
I was a WAW, and yet I never actually left my home. It is a very long story, but my gratitude will be forever to the people I met on this board who talked to me very straight and helped me to find my way.
I cannot imagine what it must be like for you! I say it with kindness and, I hope, with tenderness when I tell you that you do not seem to have the description of the wayward wife. The problems that exist with your H comes closer to the picture. It sounds as if you are getting the support along with IC for the situation you are in.
The main reason I am concerned about you referring to yourself as a potential WAW is that it may complicate or confuse your position and affect the advice you receive, as well as the advice you give to others....based on the concept of the WAW. I hope that makes sense. Sometimes I don't how to word things the way I want to relate the message. There is definitely a need in your life and you certainly can receive support here, as well as give it. I just want you to get the right kind for what fits your position.....which is saving your M. If I am wrong, you can correct me.
You are right that you won't find many WAW's here, b/c they aren't wanting to save the M. That is usually the defining line. Some WAW's have shown up after their wayward behavior caught up with them.
Your issues about setting boundaries seem to come from a place of shame and regret of your own reaction to your H's problems. I didn't understand what you had written on Jim's thread, (and actually thought you were disagreeing with some advice I had offered him) but now that I have read your story....I think I see. What threw me was why you would say that, being a WAW. B/c a repentant WAW is harder on the position of the WAS than most of the LBS on the board. But now I understand why you made the statement. I knew you sounded way too nice to be a wayward.
I hope you can forgive yourself for reacting with the banshee stuff, but let me tell you....your reaction (right or wrong) does not excuse his bad behavior nor does it give him a free pass to mistreat you. Okay? I want you to get this. Just b/c you see where you were wrong, doesn't mean you have to put up with cr@p. He is/has inflicted you with a lot of pain for a long time. He's lucky all he got was some screaming! Not that it changed anything, just saying....
Just as there's no justification for a WAS having an A b/c they were unhappy and miserable for years, same rule applies here, don't you agree? His behavior/mistreatment is not justified b/c of how you responded to him.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just thought I would list some of the things that have caused the screaming banshee to kick off in retaliation. She never attacks first:
In no particular order 1. That is not a good look on you as you have got so fat. (I am a uk size 12 and U.S. size 8 but was a size 6 a year ago. 2. You are a hypochondriac- for the record I have been a type 2 diabetic for 30 years and following chemo have no thyroid function 3. You never understand anything (hmmm some truth?) 4. You are the most selfish person I have ever known 5 you lie about everything and you never tell the truth 6 you are the worst driver I have ever known and very dangerous in a car 7 you put dirty dishes in the dishwasher all the time 8 you never ring me 9 you don't buy the food I like 10 you deliberately used too much/too little spice salt sugar 11 there is never any milk 12 you ignore me all the time 13 I can't watch the sport I want on TV 14 you don't earn enough 15 you work too much 16 your staff are useless like you 17 you are always late for everything especially when it's important to me (some truth) 18 you play too much music (very true) 19 you drive an awful car (so true!) 20 there is never enough hot water when I want a shower and its your fault or you turned on the bath or you didn't get the boiler serviced....... 21 you are not a we person 22 we are too different to get on and I thought it didn't matter but it does 23 you are careless and clumsy 24 you look old 25 I can spend my money on whatever I like - it's my money 26 you need to sell the house sooner rather than later (it's my house, I had this before we met) 27 you never want to go on holiday at times I want to go (untrue) 28 you pay for ............. Sounds like a rant It is a non screaming rant Regards vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/12/1410:47 PM. Reason: Spelling
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
