standing on my own

[Ahoy]

Link to previous thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2499948&page=11

Thank you guys all so much for picking up my spirits when I was down in the dumps last week. That part of the emotional cycle is so hard. I think I spent two straight days crying.

Then I get a notice in a mail about an unpaid parking ticket that H had not taken care of (his car is in my name as well). He is SO IRRESPONSIBLE. So I call and ask him to take care of it (he just had) and ask him to take care of these things more promptly in the future so I don't receive notices in the mail. I am ready to be legally untangled from this person.

Looking back, I've always had a degree of stress being with him because I always felt like I had to take care of everything for him due to his ADD, his lack of time management skills, and his general irresponsibility. So I will have one less person to take care of, and can focus on the people who really matter in my life.

That being said, I have learned from this relationship and will no longer take on the burden of managing another person's life -- it's not healthy for either of us, and he perceived it as controlling. Live and learn.

My sadness gave way to anger over the ticket. I'm supposed to meet with him Tuesday to discuss steps moving forward with dissolution. Makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, but I know in my heart that I don't want to be married to him anymore.

Is it mean to say I hope he crashes and burns in his new path in life? As my daughter's father, I suppose I should wish him well, as that is in her best interest. But it is hard to feel that way right now...

Meanwhile: GAL activities: carved pumpkins with neighbors, had slumber party with daughter, helping out with haunted house tonight, going to hear a friend DJ, then tomorrow trick or treating and chili at a friend's house with daughter followed my hearing live music.

I hope this gives me no downtime in which to start feeling sad again.

Wish me luck on Tuesday.

[Maybell]

Ahoy, that's a great list.

I've been a little worried at the prompt way you've dropped the rope and decided you don't want to be married to him anymore. Everything about your situation is so fresh that it seems a little too decisive, especially given your description of the way you comforted each other during your health challenges in the last couple of years. I wish it were possible, but you really can't short-circuit the steps.

I'm really glad you're feeling strong and that you have so many great GAL activities happening. But don't feel like you shouldn't be sad when you're sad. You have to live through that part too. It's not fun but it is an important part of the healing and moving forward.

I hope you feel really proud of yourself, and that you're still shopping and doing other personal things to feel great about yourself. Your wisdom and strength have been an amazing resource for me and I so appreciate it. Sending you hugs...

[Ahoy]

Thanks, Maybell. I know it seems rushed, but this is what he wants, so I don't think I can stand in his way. Part of it is driven by my fear of the unknown, I know. I struggle with anxiety about this, even though I know I shouldn't let fear dictate my life choices.

I always seek clarity, and getting a dissolution would bring that. Also, I just don't know that I have it in me to be with him again after all the pain he's caused to me and D14. Maybe I would feel differently if he were giving me any hope of reconciliation at all, but he is not. Also, he has dropped me from his health insurance for next year, so I really have to pursue a D in order to enroll in Obamacare since his work would offer insurance otherwise. It's complex. I guess I just don't want to be legally connected to him for many reasons.

If, after D, he decides he wants to work on things, then I'll see how I feel at that time, but either way I don't have a burning desire to stay married to him. He's become a stranger to me, and someone whose choices and values I cannot respect.

I know I have it in me to forgive and move on, but it takes two, and that's no happening in my situation.

[Dawn70]

Ahoy, your posts are so very inspirational to me. It sounds like you are moving forward and I hope and pray that I find that strength and wisdom in my future.

[Maybell]

Thanks, Maybell. I know it seems rushed, but this is what he wants, so I don't think I can stand in his way. Part of it is driven by my fear of the unknown, I know. I struggle with anxiety about this, even though I know I shouldn't let fear dictate my life choices.

When have you been through bargaining and denial?

I'm not saying you're moving out of his way too quickly on the dissolution. That's probably the right thing to do. I'm just worrying about how strong you've been and how quickly you're moving to the to-do list. I did those things, too, in May & June, and then I had to backtrack to those stages, which was painful. I think you have to let your knees buckle so you can stand back up on firmer ground.

I am SO ROOTING for you -- you've been amazing, really inspirational. Just make sure you pace yourself.

[Zues126]

This took me an hour on an Iphone. But i couldn help it. Maybell said it way too nicely. Ahoy, the way you're talking and making choices right now sounds no different and just as crazy as your H or any other WAS. Keep on this path and you might as well have been the one that left.

----"My sadness gave way to anger over the ticket. I'm supposed to meet with him Tuesday to discuss steps moving forward with dissolution. Makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, but I know in my heart that I don't want to be married to him anymore."

This isn't detachment. This is resentment. Sadness and anger are almost the same emotion. Most people like anger better because they feel in CONTROL. Where is your accountability for mothering and controlling him? Why are you going to use this ticket as a sign he's a terrible H and an excuse to give up? If you acieve reconsciliation he'll be different too, more independent. Can you handle an independent man?

---"Is it mean to say I hope he crashes and burns in his new path in life? As my daughter's father, I suppose I should wish him well, as that is in her best interest. But it is hard to feel that way right now... "

More anger. Lots of resentment. No, it's not wrong to feel this way when you're hurt. It's human. It's wrong to meditate on his wrongs, fan those flames, and build them into a bonfire of defiance.

---"Thanks, Maybell. I know it seems rushed, but this is what he wants, so I don't think I can stand in his way."

This isn't anything to do with standing in his way. It's about you making life changing decisions for your family out of hurt, fear, and anger. If you're in a fight and be says 'we should get a divorce!' In he spur of the moment, so you get mad, agree, move out, file, and never look back...would you say 'it was all his idea, I couldn't stop him'? I'm not worries about stopping him, I'm worried about you encouraging him.

---"Part of it is driven by my fear of the unknown, I know. I struggle with anxiety about this, even though I know I shouldn't let fear dictate my life choices.
I always seek clarity, and getting a dissolution would bring that."

Exactly. You are scared. You have problems dealing with difficult emotions and live in fear because you're afraid you will run into them again. So you CONTROL your life to try to minimize negative emotions. You are making a life changing decisions about a family based on your defense mechanisms.

---"Also, I just don't know that I have it in me to be with him again after all the pain he's caused to me and D14."

Lots of resentment. Feels safer than pain. Lets just be the one to walk away from the WAS. Resentment is NOT detachment.

---"Maybe I would feel differently if he were giving me any hope of reconciliation at all, but he is not. I know I have it in me to forgive and move on, but it takes two, and that's no happening in my situation."

You're right, it takes two. But before two comes one. You're not going to both wake up simultaneously and want to make this work. Someone has to lead down this tough path. You're saying "I'll walk it if you promise to follow". That won't work. Because he doesn't want to fight for the person you are at this end of the path. Maybe if you do a good job you'll be a wife only a fool would leave.

---"If, after D, he decides he wants to work on things, then I'll see how I feel at that time, but either way I don't have a burning desire to stay married too."

Again, he won't if you don't do the work. Resentment is poison. Oh, and not feelin like standing by your H is no different then him not feeling like being with you anymore. I'm confused...do you or do you not believe in commitment beyond how you feel?

Really Ahoy this is not about reconsciliation, this is about YOU. If you bail on DBing then your life and your future R's will be the same. Blaming his actions or lack of reciprocation and hiding behind resentment and control is not a spiritual path and not how I'd advise making decisions. DBing isn't about 'leaving the door open in case he changes his mind'. It's about growing as a person and finding ways to use your growth to be a better spouse, one that someone would be a fool to leave. I think you have that in you, but it's not whats inside that matters, it's what you choose to do.

[Ahoy]

Zeus, Let me clarify something -- although I vent here on this thread, in no way do I show my H anger, sadness, resentment, etc. I am totally following DB techniques, and have in no way bailed on DB. I have said I would be willing to work on R if he changes course, and address my role in the demise of the M. HOWEVER, H has stated very clearly that he plans to pursue dissolution. I can't stand in his way. I have told him that's not what I want. I do not have a choice in the matter.

If I occasionally express anger, resentment, and sadness on this thread it is because I need a safe place to process these feelings, a place where it WON'T be damaging to my M.

I recognize my need for clarity and control as a weakness -- that's why I mention it. I'm not denying it, and it's something I'm actively working on.

I am not applying my need for clarity and control to my H right now. I am grappling with a lot of personal decisions about my future, however, but am trying to push those aside and be present in the moment instead and not make hasty decisions.

I certainly don't mind the 2x4s, but I want to clarify that I am not pushing the D forward. It does give me peace of mind, however, to be able to say goodbye to him upon his request knowing that, if this is the new person he has become--someone who will abandon his family to run off with another woman--then I will be okay without that. I guess I don't believe in committing to someone who is gone. I think that's a pretty big waste of time, frankly. I'm committed to being in this moment and being open to what might happen, however. I am committed to taking care of me and my daughter.


What else should I be doing? Actively opposing the D -- arguing with him? I guess I'm trying to figure out what exactly you're suggesting I do differently.

[Ahoy]

P.S. I would totally LOVE to have an independent man. It would be nice to have someone take care of ME for a change. Truly.

[Ahoy]

Maybell -- how did you backtrack since May and June? I'm curious to know how that might come about. Trying to stay open...

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy. Just a quick post. Ithink i know exactly where you are. My W is making decisions that I know are not right. She is creating a world of