I was trying to calm the kids down as it was only about 10 minutes before bedtime.
That was pretty lousy timing on the mother's leaving! But it figures. In a case like that, maybe tell them you have a special bedtime story to tell.
I know the toothbrush seemed a legit reason to text her, but it would be better to let D3 miss one time of brushing rather than text W. To her, it looks like you are finding a pitiful reason to contact her. She showed her feelings of its importance by not responding. If it's not urgent, don't contact her, period.
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Every weekend I don't have the kids I have plans. London next weekend, Paris two weeks after that.
Sweet!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No texting W with piddley stuff. You're a take-charge guy, you handle this stuff without her. Toothbrushes are not critical.
As for what to say/not say. I know this is hard. You've got to shift your focus.
So--as Sandi said, you're busy being happy dad with your kids. They are delighted and you're all having fun as she goes off to do whatever.
Believe me, if you don't seem to care and she leaves with the mental image of her family, happy WITHOUT HER, that will sting a bit. But don't expect her to ever admit it.
"Have a good time" is NOT something you should say. It is NOT IN ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR VALUES, and that is your yardstick here.
Don't worry about coming off "sulky". You're not going to project a sullen attitude if you are focused on loving your children and what great things you have planned for your evening with them WHICH YOUR WIFE WILL BE MISSING.
You can say "Well, the little ones and I are going to roast marshmallows and watch a movie, just let me know you're safe".
You can express concern for her safety as a strong man. That's a way of acknowledging her departure without condoning her actions.
And it's true. You want her to be safe and protected. That's what we women want most from our men; to know that they will protect us and keep us safe.
That would be in keeping with your core beliefs. As for the rest, let her see what she is giving up; a great father and a stalwart partner.
You can do this. You seem eager to learn and I get the sense that you are going to take what you're learning here and run with it.
Maybe that's why I've sort of "adopted" you. Your attitude is good. You're open to change and you're willing to do what it takes.
Keep it up.
----(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Jim, I agree with sandi -- be having a blast with the kids when she's about to leave, and just say "bye." Don't make it into anything more -- and be sure to look preoccupied with having fun in the meantime. Your travel plans sound wonderful!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I want to take it a bit further. From my perspective, I adore my kids and their well-being is primary for me. Do you know how far it would go for me if my H had toothbrushes & toothpaste, pajamas, books, and art supplies at his place? How much my kids *hate* packing to visit him? For me, there would be nothing sexier or more appealing than for him to step up and be prepared to PARENT and not just "keep" them. Wowsers, I would sit up and respect my H for that (and to keep from being confusing, would also feel twinges of loss... But I want what's best for the kids, so respect and appreciation would win.) texting me to ask about the stuff *I* "forgot" is a slam and a turn off. Step up and take charge.
I join in envy of your travel plans... A tux?? Do tell!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Seriously jim, I'm getting dressed every day I leave work after an early shift.
Nice dress heels etc. I do my grocery shopping dressed up, work girls are convinced I'm meeting some one in secret. Now a few know that's bull dust, but the others I just say meh, going out with friends. Or heading off "out " out being any where but here!
I don't live with mine, but you can bet he knows. You can bet he hears stuff. When his mate comes In to work and try's to act casual while hanging round a few feet from where your working.
Look like your living it up, and sometimes even be living it up! Hell s16 thinks I'm seeing a Richard cranium called Chris. My friends hubby who he hasn't met!
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Thanks all. I'm really trying to learn as I don't like what happened to me and how I acted. I'd not had similar issues previous because I kept stuff suppressed now I'm trying to make sure I don't have issues because they aren't issues. Besides I can't see the down side to being more confident, more assertive and generally a better father, husband and friend.
I absolutely take the point about the toothbrush being petty. As we are in the same house still it was a case of this was here this morning so where is it? But I definitely see what you are saying so no more of that - just get on with it.
I'm trying to have plans every night I don't have the kids (except sunday because i have to prep for work) and only twice this has meant just going out with a book. I looked great though.
Equally I'm doing my best to have plans with the kids even if its nothing more than building a den a reading stories. Though today is going to be awesome. My little girl is properly excited.
We have a champagne dinner and a show booked for Paris and the place has a black tie dress code. I rock a tux - i have youthful clean cut looks which means a sharp well fitting suit really does the job. I've got a few other nights out planned which are going to mean suiting up.
I keep worrying that I'm not working on the emotional connection I lost with my W, the making her feel safe and cared for (the being there for her) but I guess what you're trying to tell me is that doesn't matter a hill of magic beans unless I've rebuilt her attraction and respect for me. So look good, be confident, passionate and interesting, and show that I'm the kind of person who will lead and protect his family. Overall someone who really has it together.
That might be a long journey in her perception but its going to be good for me.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
So some preemptive advice would be good if that's possible. I'm taking my kids to a fireworks display tonight and my W will be back from her night out by then (really trying not to think about what she was doing)
Anyway if she says she wants to come with I'm trying to think how to handle it. I wouldn't want her to miss this family time, it would make it easier for me logistically and the kids would love her to come with.
BUT its not right that she can sleep around and then still expect family time - she traded one for the other when she chose divorce. So just trying to plan my response.
I'm thinking of 'I'm going to take them on my own thank you' and leave it at that. Do I need to say anymore than that?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
