Old dog seeks new trick 5

[MrBond]

I notice that you have a knack of taking what is said and misdirecting it so that you are absolved from responsibility. Go back and read what I posted.

"However, when I read what you've said, especially the 'abusive parent' bit it sounds terrible. It really isn't like that, so please don't think they are living in misery, they aren't."

I didn't say they were living in misery (that's your own diversion). I said that YOUR thinking and attitude that your son is "He's such an airhead/rebel/idiot/lazy sod or all these combined" is the same thinking and attitude as that of an abusive parent.

While you may not treat him as such, because your attitude of him is that, it will come out in your actions. If you were a real father, you wouldn't paint such a lowly picture of him. Again, that's all on YOU.

Learn to take responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

[Old Dog]

Zeus - a lot of how you describe your son describes me as a kid and its only now am I realising the impact all that had on me.

He needs to know that whatever happens you love him and are proud of him

Zeus? :-)

Anyway he does know that I'm quite sure.

[Old Dog]

I notice that you have a knack of taking what is said and misdirecting it so that you are absolved from responsibility. Go back and read what I posted.

Well I don't mean to do that and it's certainly not to be absolved from responsibility.

I"However, when I read what you've said, especially the 'abusive parent' bit it sounds terrible. It really isn't like that, so please don't think they are living in misery, they aren't."

I didn't say they were living in misery (that's your own diversion). I said that YOUR thinking and attitude that your son is "He's such an airhead/rebel/idiot/lazy sod or all these combined" is the same thinking and attitude as that of an abusive parent.

While you may not treat him as such, because your attitude of him is that, it will come out in your actions. If you were a real father, you wouldn't paint such a lowly picture of him. Again, that's all on YOU.

Learn to take responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

I'm not trying to divert anyone or anything. I do believe many many people get frustrated with their kids, especially over things like school/home work. And these people moan with their friends about it and they may laugh and compare notes maybe saying oh no mine is worse (s)he does this or that. This is not the same thinking or attitude as an abusive parent. You are wrong about that in is case.

There is always room for improvement, and I will get the 5LL book for teenagers, but I am not worried in the slightest about my/our own attitude and thinking towards him. We love him dearly and tell him so. We help him with his work, we have fun with him and enjoy his company. He is a delight to be with and in all other aspects he is a well rounded individual, has a good grasp of right and wrong and were are very proud of him.

I feel this conversation is rather a distraction now. It's not something I thought would blow up like this and I don't feel the need to try and explain myself any further. I hope you understand I'm not dismissing your advice or insight but I think we're doing a good job on the whole.

[MrBond]

See, you're not getting it still.

"but I am not worried in the slightest about my/our own attitude and thinking towards him."

My whole point is that you SHOULD be worried about it because of your name calling. If you had a positive attitude towards him, those labels wouldn't have even crossed your mind.

It is an important point because this also happens in your interactions with your W. The LBS may not think that their negative thinking about WAS comes out just because they don't say anything negative, but it does come out in other ways. Body language, the tone of your voice, etc. Sandi was one of the first people who taught me that "the way" something is said more important than the words themselves. This helps to create a trusting environment between you and your W.

Learn from that or not. It's up to you.

[jim0987]

Got which thread I was in confused. Sorry

[Old Dog]

No worries Jim :-)

MrBond. Maybe 'not worried in the slightest' was over egging it a bit, but honestly I do know what you're talking about. I read recently that perhaps up to 90% do communication between people is not expressed vocally. So I am aware of this.

I do have a positive attitude towards him, I don't go round all the time bad mouthing him. What I trying to convey is that at times it's frustrating and worrying that he won't seem to help himself by doing the work he's supposed to without being policed.

I am here to learn. I do get it. As I said, I take your point. I want a positivity spiral rather than a negative one and this is all part of it, so I'll bear in mind what you say. And thanks for persevering.

[Old Dog]

Back at home. I've had to take a day off to look after the kids while WAW is away for another long weekend, this time at a party in Spain. We're going out in a while to race Scalextrix cars round models of real racing circuits which should be a lot of fun.

I am, however having to work hard at keeping PMA today. I found this last time she went off for the weekend. I'm trying to keep busy: it took me a long time last time, but I've started earlier today (not just now).

She is having more fun these days - going out, seeing friends, buying shoes and clothes. I'm glad she is doing all this but also sad and trying not to be resentful about it. I'm much better than I used to be though. I know it's good for her and I also need to the same.

It is hard though when she is cutting me out of so many things: keeping her distance, giving me space. The only contact she initiates is to do with the kids or something logistical.

Right, stuff to do, then we're off for some fun. Onwards and upwards everyone.

[Old Dog]

Back at my work flat for the week now. I had a good weekend getting a life with the kids. Scalextrix racing one day followed by a trip to the local golden arches (well they like it).

On Saturday we went to Parrot Zoo where they rescue parrots funnily enough. They have around 2,000 birds. Wow! Following that we went round my brothers for dinner and then down the pub for a swift beverage with him afterwards. Stayed the night at my mums: she's always glad when I do that. Mums eh :-).

Today we took my mum down to the garden centre for some stuff and had lunch there.

Finally, I had an upbeat text convo with my wife after she arrived back in the country from her trip. Seems she had a good time but didn't furnish me with any details.

Keep on GAL everyone: it really does work. You sometimes have to make a real effort, but do it. And do it now.

[u-turn]

What a great and positive weekend. Keep it up. I hope this helps to carry your PMA through the week.

[Old Dog]

Cheers u-turn. It's going to be a good week, I just know it.

There's a talk show DJ over here who always says when someone asks him how he is 'all good, nothing bad'. I started saying that a while ago hoping some of the positivity would rub off. I think I'll start saying it again.

Everyone read Pollyanna.