Need Help!!!

[errod]

My wife and I have been married for over 16 years we are 35 years old. So we got married at 19. We have a 14 year old daughter. Everything was great until a few months ago, but even then I thought we just hit a rough patch and will bounce back shortly. Well on July 23rd we were sitting outside and we were arguing but I didn't think it was that bad and my wife said to me that is it I am leaving you. I was totally shocked by it and could not believe she said it. We are still living under the same roof as of right now but she says it is only because she is trapped. We have our current house on the market and we bought another house that is getting some additions put on before moving into it. (The house plans were in motion long before the bomb dropped in July). So she says there is no way we can get a 3rd place at this moment. She wants to move into the new house alone and me stay in the old house that we are trying to sell until it sells. At that time she will be able to figure out if she misses me or if I am just a liability.

Here are the issues that caused everything. We moved to WV from NJ 7 years ago for my wife to start a dental office. The plan was always that she would work and I would stay home and take care of our daughter. Well that worked out fine until a few months ago. At that time my wife started telling me I need to get a job and get out of the house, now this was only brought up when we argued so I did not take it serious. Well over time me not getting the hint caused her a great deal of resentment towards me. There were other issues that she brought up that were a 100% correct for example I did not pay her enough attention, I never complimented her and things like that. Also I have always been controlling (even though I though of it at the time as protecting.) I also did not do my part of keeping up with the house while I was staying home. I did not keep a dirty house but if my wife and daughter left clutter all over the place, I would feel disrespected and skip cleaning that day.

Well here we are about 4-6 weeks from the new house being done and the separation most likely happening, if I can't throw a Hail Mary. I love my wife more then anything and have committed the last 18 years to her (16 married). I have corrected everything that she complains about and have started taking classes to get my real estate license. I even just got a part time job at Fed Ex (even though she is telling me I don't have to take it if it is demeaning to me). I do keep saying the wrong things and I do come off as desperate. There are days that everything seems find and great but then she will tell me she doesn't know how she feels.

There are things she says that totally confuse me as well, especially with me being an analyzer. Like one minute she will say she can't sleep because she is afraid of living life without me. Of course I then say something like you don't have to and she then gets mad at me. The strange thing is nothing has changed with the way we live life. We still talk nonstop everyday, eat dinner together everynight, I see her at work on her lunch break everyday, and even have sex just as often with more kissing and stuff then before. But even through all that she tells me we need to separate to see if she misses me or not. I just feel like we are rolling the dice on our marriage rather then trying to avoid that step at all costs.

I really need help. Do you think this is something you can help me with? Am I expecting to much in trying to get results in the time period mentioned? When we first started this process of getting this house in February it was suppose to be our dream house, where we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Now it could just be the end of our life together.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[errod]

Since posting last things have been up and down. More good days then bad but I do not know if that is just her faking it since we are stuck living together for the time being.

Also had another curve ball thrown yesterday which looking at the systems may explain a lot of what has been happening. Even though my wife is only 36 she is beginning Menopause (her mother got it at the same age). So I don't know if everything with her hormones being off is the source of the issue and early on I handled it very poorly.

[errod]

I am so confused. On days I don't bring up the upcoming separation things seem fine. But whenever the separation comes up I get the line that I love you but I am not in love. She then says she needs to find that spark again.

I know a lot of the advice given is to detach but I feel being detached is what caused this situation. W tells me I always put other things in front of her and that is why she lost the feelings.

I am going to give an example on why I get confused she will tell me we need to separate to see if we miss each other. But then last night for example I went to school until 8:30 and when I came home she was sitting at the kitchen table and had dinner for me.

Another example we always watch football together on Sundays. Last weekend she was going to go out with a girlfriend to a handbag bingo event. That morning I was at church and w sent me a text saying she is going to go out for coffee with her girlfriend as soon as I get home so she would be home in time to spend Sunday watching football with me.

Here is my opinion and I want to hear what others think but I think I need to continue to be there and persue but avoid at all costs talking about the past.

[errod]

So yesterday was a good day. We talked for a little longer then usual at lunch yesterday. When I left we were laughing and having a good time. W came home and all was good we sat around and talked before having to leave the house because of a showing and picking up D from practice. Came home had dinner and watched a little tv together. W then said she was going up to bed but while D and I watched one more show. W said she would wait up for me. When I went up an hour later she did wait up for me gave me a hug and kiss said she loved me a few times, then went to sleep. Woke me up at 3am to ML (I will never complain about that). We then woke up at 6 and got ready to start our days and everything seemed really good.

I am hoping as long as I don't bring up the future or our R to soon we might be able to build on this. My hope is if I can keep thing steady for the next few weeks once the packing begins for the new house W would realize that she wants me in her life.

[errod]

I have not posted in a while and things have really been going south rapidly. On January 2nd our new house was done and my wife moved into it alone. Then the next week our old house sold. So I am now living in an apartment. My wife has started the process of filing for a divorce. We see each other and talk less and less every week. Then yesterday she stopped wearing her wedding ring because she felt she needed to so I would finally give up on us. She also would text me at night saying she is going to bed only to later find out she has been going out at night. I found out by accident because last week at 10:00 after my daughters game ended she realized she did not have any clothes at my place. So we had to go to my wife's to get clothes we called first and she said she was sleeping then when we got there and she wasn't there she said she ran to Wal Mart. Well she never went to Wal Mart and said she was just innocently had a girlfriends house. I don't know what to think at this point. I am almost positive there is someone else at this point in time.

[HopefulStill]

Errod-

You skipped months between your last post and today's post- time that could have been used to get valuable information to save your marriage. Try not to go dark like that again.

Your wife is having an affair. When she says that she loves you but is not "in love" with you it is because she's in an affair. When she says that she is confused, it is because she is in an affair. And when she asked to separate to sort through her feelings, it was really to get you out of her hair to continue, you guessed it, her affair. A little detective work on your part will expose the truth. Don't bother asking her- all waywards lie, lie, lie. She'll accuse YOU of being paranoid and crazy!

While the affair is ongoing, don't expect anything between you and your wife to improve. Try to be upbeat and friendly during your interactions, but expect nothing. Once the affair has run its course, you'll be in the right position to get her back.

In the meantime.....

You need to address your wife's complaints about you. Your wife likely lost respect for you because you didn't work (yeah, yeah, I get that being a father is work, but you can't escape biology- women want a man that can take care of them and provide) and even as a stay at home dad you did a poor job (by your own admission). Having lost her respect for you, she became open for the attention from other men. If I were you I would work in earnest to get a full time job that pays a respectable wage. I'd show the world that I could provide for my family and get things done. If you want your wife back, you'll need her respect.

Get to work!
HS

[sandi2]

Hi, and welcome back. I think you'll find us very willing to help, but you have to help us by posting, okay?

Get a copy of Divorce Remedy from Amazon and read it ASAP. Also, read MWD's article here on the Walk Away Wife (WAW). Although your W has not physically left your M, she has emotionally left it, so she is a WAW.

There are things she says that totally confuse me as well, especially with me being an analyzer. Like one minute she will say she can't sleep because she is afraid of living life without me. Of course I then say something like you don't have to and she then gets mad at me. The strange thing is nothing has changed with the way we live life. We still talk nonstop everyday, eat dinner together everynight, I see her at work on her lunch break everyday, and even have sex just as often with more kissing and stuff then before. But even through all that she tells me we need to separate to see if she misses me or not. I just feel like we are rolling the dice on our marriage rather then trying to avoid that step at all costs.

Here's one tip for you. When your W is telling you about her feelings.....just let her talk. No need to put in your opinion, tell her how to fix it, or any other advice. Women want to be heard, not fixed. Men think they are helping the W, and then she gets aggravated and he doesn't know why.

What has happened since your last post, is that probably you and your W have adapted to being in a stage of limbo. A WAW can stay in limbo for a quite some time when she is getting certain benefits. For example, she has the comforts of home, a sex partner when she wants it, and a friendly companion. However, she stills holds this uncertainty about the status of the MR.

How do you see her at work every day on her lunch break? Are you leaving to go to meet her?

I am so confused. On days I don't bring up the upcoming separation things seem fine. But whenever the separation comes up I get the line that I love you but I am not in love. She then says she needs to find that spark again.

Well you know what a doctor would say if you told him/her this, right? "Stop bringing it up". I tend to analyze, also, so I wonder why she's not the one bringing up the subject of separation and you continue to pursue it? I would guess that you pretty much wait on her to do the leading, at least in the R?

What have you done about this situation since your first post? Have you just waited to see what she was going to do?

I know a lot of the advice given is to detach but I feel being detached is what caused this situation. W tells me I always put other things in front of her and that is why she lost the feelings.

It is really strange how many newcomer men say the same thing about detaching. I have discovered in many cases it has to do more with the H not being emotionally strong enough to detach, or that he does not fully understand the DB approach to detaching. I believe we have a link around here that may help explain it.

Detaching is for you, and it's more about your mental attitude than anything. You are the only one you can control, and so.....

Detaching is not giving her the cold shoulder. It is not acting sullen or angry. It is not giving her the silent treatment. It doesn't even mean you have to physically have distance between you and WAW. So, read up on it and learn how to apply it in your stitch, b/c I can tell you it will make a difference. This is something everyone should learn how to apply b/c at some time or another, we will have to deal with some person in our lives where we truly need to know how to detach.

As for her feeling you always put other things in front of her, I think might be her way of saying she didn't feel valued enough. We also have a link for learning about validation and how to use it in DBing. You can validate and detach, too. BTW, smothering her with your presence is not showing her how valuable she is to you. It just shows her how emotionally dependent you are on the R. It can make a guy appear weak, when he thinks he's doing what she wanted.

I am going to give an example on why I get confused she will tell me we need to separate to see if we miss each other. But then last night for example I went to school until 8:30 and when I came home she was sitting at the kitchen table and had dinner for me.

First of all, leaving a while to attend a school function is hardly comparable to separation, do you think? I don't think she would "miss" you in just a span of a few hours. And why were you confused by her having dinner waiting for you? What did you expect? Really, what were your expectations of her, after you were gone a while?

Another example we always watch football together on Sundays. Last weekend she was going to go out with a girlfriend to a handbag bingo event. That morning I was at church and w sent me a text saying she is going to go out for coffee with her girlfriend as soon as I get home so she would be home in time to spend Sunday watching football with me.

I refer you back to the beginning, when you said in so many words that things were going pretty "normal". Again, what were your expectations here?

Here is my opinion and I want to hear what others think but I think I need to continue to be there and persue but avoid at all costs talking about the past.

Hum......no. You need to read the book to understand.

So yesterday was a good day. We talked for a little longer then usual at lunch yesterday. When I left we were laughing and having a good time. W came home and all was good we sat around and talked before having to leave the house because of a showing and picking up D from practice. Came home had dinner and watched a little tv together. W then said she was going up to bed but while D and I watched one more show. W said she would wait up for me. When I went up an hour later she did wait up for me gave me a hug and kiss said she loved me a few times, then went to sleep. Woke me up at 3am to ML (I will never complain about that). We then woke up at 6 and got ready to start our days and everything seemed really good.

Then, what's your point here? What were your expectations? I know you have had expectations for every one of these examples, and that is what's confusing you. She is not acting like you expected.

I am hoping as long as I don't bring up the future or our R to soon we might be able to build on this. My hope is if I can keep thing steady for the next few weeks once the packing begins for the new house W would realize that she wants me in her life.

Oh the logic of a LBH!! Now listen, the woman has told you she doesn't feel the spark. You got the bomb 8 months ago. You came here 5 months ago and posted 3 times...and then left. WAKE UP!! She is a WAW and you are just hoping she will suddenly realize she wants you in her life?

The fact that you have done absolutely nothing tells me something about you. It also tells your W.

FWIW, I have been where your W sits today. I told my H. He did nothing. I would gather enough energy to try to show some effort (much like your W is doing), while my H did nothing and left the R to me. Then one day he received the shock of his life. A shock so bad that his health took a serious hit. He discovered his W was involved with another man. So, I'm telling you as best that I know how.....to wake up.

[errod]

I just ordered the book from Amazon and hope to get it tomorrow. I have not sat around and did nothing. I have tried the Love Dare twice and read about 5 other books.

The question was asked about lunch. Well my wife is a dentist and I do all her book keeping and insurance work. I used to go in around lunch time we would talk at lunch and then I would work until it was time for me to pick up our daughter from school. This has since stopped since the separation, she now has to go to her house to take the dogs out.

I have since my first post gone back to school and got my real estates certificate. I am trying to get it started but it does take a little time to get your first listing.

My daughter and I are going away to NJ this weekend to visit family. This is the first time going with out my W. I worry if I am making the right decision by leaving her behind but that is part of detaching.

sandi2 you hit the nail right on the head. I was hoping she would realize she missed me and would want me back in her life.

I did go and get a gym membership today so I can get back into working out. I am wearing cologne, so I smell good. I will see W tonight at my daughters game tonight. We still sit together but I think all of our friends that know nothing are going to pick up on her now wearing her ring anymore. I am trying to be sure I eat 3 meals a day. The past month I have only eaten 1 meal a day and a protein shake.

The reason I stopped posting the first time was not being lazy or giving up. I was not getting any responses from my posts.

[errod]

Well I saw my wife at my daughter's game after not really talking much today. She tried to come into the back office were I was working today between patients but I was on the phone with the bank so we didn't talk. I was suppose to go out on my first appointment today with a client (I am now a Real Estate Agent). That appointment got cancelled but I stayed dressed up and wearing cologne all day. She was a little taken back by that and made a comment about it while we were at the game. We had small talk at the game and I let her lead the conversation. She then asked me if I drove by the office today in the afternoon. I said yes I was on my way home from getting a Gym Membership. She looked stunned at first then she was like that would be good for you getting out of the house.

After the game ended my daughter and I went to my car and my wife was kind of standing by her car giving us a confused look.

I have not called or texted her all day but she has not either but the changes seem to have her on her toes. I also keep catching her looking at my hand. I do continue to wear my wedding ring and will until at least the day the divorce papers are signed ..I don't know if she feels guilty about not wearing hers or not because she keeps her hand in a fist or covers it now so nobody sees she is not wearing hers in public.

If nothing else I feel better about myself after today. In the perfect world my little family will be reunited. But if I am not given the chance I will work on myself and be fine.