Can't believe I'm actually posting on here to a bunch of strangers. Anywho...
My W and I have been married for 11 years, have one 5yr old. Highschool sweethearts but didn't date until late college. It was a perfect marriage honestly. We started as best friends and stayed that way. After our kid was born I started abusing alcohol and other. Never became violent or anything, but basically just started tuning her out, ignoring her, and taking her for granted. This went on for about 2 years until we started arguing about everything. Couldn't agree on anything and we were both completely miserable. Well in February of this year I decided to make some changes in my life to see if I could just be a better person. I quit drinking and other so much and started going to church more. Well all summer I was cool for about 2-3 weeks at a time, but would periodically get angry at her selfish ways. Basically her wanting to hang out with her friends more than her family. Hiding smoking cigs from me. I could just see her self destructing but couldn't keep my cool about it. In August she finally had enough and said she wanted to stay at her friends for a while. It basically woke me up and I decided right then I was going to love her no matter what, and I shouldn't have been so angry. We were separated with very little contact for about 2 mos. Then at the end of Sept I found an email that said she was ending a relationship with another man. I confronted her and she cried for about 3 days. Then I told her I forgive her, but 3 things needed to happen. We need to sleep in same bed every night, date once a week, and no more weekends of her going out of town. The OM lives out of town. She agreed but in counseling she said she wasn't really ready to cut all ties to OM. So for the past 3 weeks we've been doing really well. We've had many great conversations and taken a long road trip together. I figured she was occasionally talking to OM but found out this week, through snooping, they text and talk all the time.
So, I haven't confronted her about how much they talk yet. But it's driving me crazy knowing. We're going out of town this weekend again together so I was planning on waiting until after that. Like I said, things have actually been really good between us. Talking lots, hugs, and some good honesty on her part about what she's going through. She confesses to what sounds like a MLC. Anyway, thoughts?
Yes I've read DR several times. Should I read DB too? I've been exercising more, spending more time with the kid, going to church more, very little alcohol & no drugs. Overall I've been doing a 180 since February and the W knows it. She comments on how "the old you" would have acted and how "my parents just love the new you", etc. Was going to counseling but it really just turned into a "keep up the good work" and she hasn't shown any interest in going mostly since the A came out.
Since I've found out she's talking to the OM on the regular, tells him she loves him (ugh), I've been very distant this week. She immediately has picked up on it and wants to know what's going on. It's very hard to hide, but should I go back to acting friendly and loving, which she was responding well to, or distance?
Have a bit more perspective after a great night and morning with W. Going to keep working on me, and showing her love too. Distance gets her interested, but doesn't seem to do anything for us. The recent development of finding out she's texting the OM every day is upsetting, but helps me detach a bit from her, and keeps my pursuing in check. Walking a fine line between being dark and showing love.
