Um WOW. We all need to hear that. Completely different effect on me this time around. The first time I just remember the banana nut muffin part because I was struggling with sweets.
Now I hear the entire thing and it all speaks to me. Some of it I do well, some of it I need to do better in this sitch. I took the "willing to breathe while waiting on the doctor to call back" part and replaced it with our WAS sitches. Breathe...breathe...breathe...wait patiently... and be prepared for good or bad news. What about you, Maybell? What did you take away?
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Here's another question from that...is GAL/detach a numbing of the fear/pain/shame? I think it depends on the GAL effect on you. Some of my GAL's have felt like "breathing while patiently waiting on the phone call from the doctor". Kickball league with friends, trail running.
Others I could see as resisting against vulnerability. The first couple of salsa lessons, there were some younger, cute girls in the class, and it felt really comforting to dance with them. Of course I only knew their first name, and they were probably smiling at me out of nervousness or just enjoying the class, but the thought of "someone will love me" turned down the fear and pain of rejection by WAW. Even though I knew that these girls were strangers who I wasn't going to talk to once the class was over, it cloaked me from vulnerability.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Brene Brown and Amy Cuddy notwithstanding... I think I'm going to find it harder to forgive my H for leaving me to go live in his sweet little bachelor pad while I wrestle distressed children, homework bears, chore resistance, D11 hitting below the belt with digs at me for H having left, laundry, trash, meals, home maintenance and zero flexibility during the week. An affair is nothing compared to just flat out bailing on me and our three kids.
This has been a very demanding afternoon.
Why would I want someone back who considers this more reasonable than WORKING THROUGH OUR PROBLEMS?
Because so far for him this little experiment has been entirely at my expense.
Oh, and today he said "S8 seemed a little down but he didn't really want to talk about it."
I guess saying "I really miss you and want to spend more time with you" wasn't straightforward enough.
Consider me cussing.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I had a thought the other day and forgot to come here and post it. What about seeing if your kids would want some sort of group therapy? Perhaps if the three of them, or at least D11 and S8, went to a C together?
Darn. There was something I wanted to say to you, Maybell.
Oh yeah. It was a ways back, when your H said he "couldn't remember ever being happy."
Both my parents went through profound depressions in their lives, and this was one of the hallmarks.
Not only was life terrible now (and all the people in it that they used to love), it had ALWAYS BEEN TERRIBLE.
Per my mother, my father "never got over his depression and lived a horrible life until the day he died."
Never mind that he was on the golf course every day rocking his purple knickers, leading a men's group, traveling the world....
And also, per mom, her many friends were just leeches who didn't care about anyone but themselves, and I, the only child who was caring for her, was trying to steal her dishtowels. And then she reported to a neighbor that I "elder abused" her and it took me two years to convince the poor woman that my mother was not in her right mind.
Dad was even worse. He just focused inward completely, shut everybody out and shut himself down.
I noticed each time he would start to improve, it was when he began to engage with the other patients and say positive things about other people.
Same with mom. When she's going down, nobody is any good and she won't speak to anyone. When she's coming up, suddenly she's taking an interest in others and has nice things to say about people again.
Both parents were hospitalized multiple times with this. I know it when I see it. And I see it in my H.
Which is why, when friends tell me to give him the heave-ho, I stay put.
I believe depression is at the core of this, and they are desperate to feel better, in any way possible.
And, like my parents, they don't "see it" as depression at all. Because they're not sad and crying. Because they hurt all over. Because they're so angry. And they believe they have always felt like this, and always will.
It stinks, but it's how it is.
Hang in there. Sorry to hear about the "Non-Aversary". I recently had one too. Stinks.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
