Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

PMA better today. Actually it got better last night. I always feel better after posting my thoughts and worries here instead of talking with someone who doesn't get it.

After settling down last night, I am pretty confident that H just had a friend or even his dad over. I actually visualized a girl here, in my house full of family pics, feeding H fast food instead of a home cooked meal. (Shame on her) Then what? Into the spare room where H lives like a teenager in his own home?? It's downright comical and pathetic, and I don't see it or feel it. Anxiety in check

H texted this morning while he was sitting under a tree waiting for the sun to come up. Said he found a spot with cell service. Thanked me for sending him pics of our camping weekend and sent me some of the sunrise and him and his hunting buddies. Was very unexpected, so it was nice to hear from him.

Looking forward to being off work soon, grabbing my adorable sweet S and hunkering down at home. We were both exhausted this morning after our weekend fun

[mleigh4]

Another good PMA day. I really enjoy H being away, not having to deal with the weirdness of MLC. H texted again today. He came upon an abandoned cabin in the middle of nowhere. He sent some pictures. Another very unexpected surprise. I have a special ring when H text and a coworker even said, your H never texts you this much! Lol, tell me about it! I can't believe I am even on his mind, but I like that he is sharing this stuff with me. I am responding with nice simple replies.

H is coming home tomorrow so I will enjoy my last night of peace and calmness . I have appt with IC tomorrow morning which I look forward to. I am very curious to see if family friend that H is with will have any effect on him. I am not getting my hopes up, just wondering. I know without a doubt he will have talked with him about his own marriage reconciliation. But I also know in MLC they don't always hear or care.

Just hoping a little I guess

[job]

Sounds like you and your son have had a very nice, peaceful time while your h has been away. It will be interesting to see how he is once he's returned home. I'm sure he'll have a lot to tell you about his hunting adventure.

It's okay to hope, but keep your expectations very low or at zero.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that maybe, just maybe, something clicked for him and he realized just how good he had it at home w/his family.

Enjoy your last night of peace and quiet.

[mleigh4]

Job - I just want to thank you (and so many others) for your responses, they are always so helpful and guiding. Can you come live with me for a while to keep me in line?? But honestly, I always look forward to reading what you have to say, not just to me but also to others. Also, thank you so much for having our family in your prayers, it means a lot to me

[job]

I'm glad that I can help you and the other posters. Sometimes it helps to know that someone is here to just listen and offer up some moral support when a poster needs it.

Stay positive and no matter what happens, just be yourself. Your h may come home tomorrow in a good frame of mind. Listen and validate. Show some interest in what he has to say about hunting. I know it might not be your favorite topic, but it might shed some light on where his mind was at during his time away.

Hang in there and I'll be thinking about you.

[mleigh4]

Update and I need your input guys! H came home early from hunting last night, wasn't supposed to be back until today. The family friend he was with was not feeling well, he is about 70 so don't want to risk anything. Anyway, H was chipper as can be, telling us stories and showing S pics. I went to get S bath read and came across a small bottle of body wash in the spare bath shower. Now, it very well could be ours, I have tons of these from vacations, but it didn't look familiar. Some fancy organic brand.

So between this and knowing H had someone over while we were away, (food and drink containers in kitchen garbage), I needed to know. I wanted to believe FIL came over to watch Sharks game. So I ask H if he talked to his dad before he left to his trip to Hawaii yesterday. H said no, but that he texted him while hunting. So I said, oh, then who was over? H got a very blank, confused look on his face. I said again, who was over this weekend ? I saw drink containers in the garbage so looks like you had company. H, with same look, looked up in the air and answered real softly, Phil. I asked, who is Phil?? H answered, of course, a guy from work! I really get the feeling he is lying.

So I asked H to explain. He said he was too busy getting ready for hunting to come to our camp out, only 1/2 hour from home, but he found time to have Phil over. Another person I have never heard of or met? He just looks at me.

So I asked H, why do I get the feeling you are lying? He just said I don't know. I told H, this is our home. I hope to god you are telling me the truth. I said I know you are angry with me and don't think very highly of me, but that doesn't mean I can be treated with disrespect. I said I try so hard to believe you are telling me the truth about your concerts. Late nights out, trip to Tahoe, all with people I have never heard of. And now this along with finding body wash in our bathroom??? I said again, this is our HOME. The only thing he said over and over is I know. I know.

I will NOT tolerate someone coming into my home. But once again, I have no concrete proof. I go to see IC in an hour. What should I do???

[job]

Talk to your IC about the incident. If your h is lying, he is not going to tell you the truth when being confronted. You have said what you needed to say, now sit back and observe. There's not much else you can do except hire a PI, which is very expensive, or boot him out...but you don't have enough evidence to do that. In the future, when you find something, keep it to yourself for a while and see if he trips up. Many of them babble enough that you can sift through the babble and get clues.

I know you want things to get back to normal, but the more you react and confront, the more he's going to hide and lie, just like a little boy does w/his mother.

I'm sorry this happened, but I hope that things will settle down and you can find some comfort in your session today.

[mleigh4]

My issue is not knowing who was in my house. Everything I own is in there. Valuables, intimate things, my son's things. This person knows where I live. I am NOT OK with this. I know he is lying, I can feel it. He has never talked about Phil, never said he has hung out with Phil, Phil has never been over, there is no way he decided to come "hang out" while H was so busy getting ready for hunting. H is lying. My therapist says it doesn't matter what is causing the issues, what matters is how it effects me and my son. He wants me to get out of the R. I agree that H should leave. His behavior upsets our home way too much and I am so sick of it all. Legally I can't boot him and he isn't leaving on his own.

When I left this morning for work, H asked if we needed anything at the store or Costco. Nice try. I told him we need to talk about his visitor, that I am not buying it. He just said "ok". I know where this person lives and will go over there if I have to to get the truth.

I know I am stirring up the pot and kicking the dust. But when it comes to my home, patience and compassion is out the window. If I didn't feel so strongly about him lying, I wouldn't be doing this.

[job]

I can understand how you feel. So, with that being said, sit down w/your h tonight and have a calm discussion w/him. Lay out the fact that you are not comfortable w/strangers (to you and your son) being in your home when you are not there. Keep in mind that he very well may advise you that it is his home as well and he will have whomever he pleases over at any time, i.e., just as you can. The bottom line is that you have to remain calm and don't accuse him of anything (as you have already done so). When you accuse him of stuff he becomes defensive and lies even more. You'll be able to better judge whether or not he's truthful when you are talking to him. Watch his behavior.

My question to you is this...are you prepared to hear his answers? What if they aren't what you want to hear? What is your strategy then? Whatever you do, do not make idle threats. Whatever you tell him in the way of boundaries, stick to them.

Stay calm and try to keep your emotions in check. The calmer you are, the better. Good luck!

[mleigh4]

Thank you for your support Job. I am much calmer now.

I guess what it comes down to is this. He could be lying, he could be telling the truth, just like with anything else. I am still rocked by the fact that the one person I completely trusted and depended on did in fact do things behind my back and in finding that out killed my trust. He has not earned that back yet. I feel it is too much to ask of me to sit back and let him use our home like a hotel to do what he pleases as it fits him at the moment. To expect me to believe his stories and be out all hours and overnight and be ok with it. To be ok that he gives his S maybe 10 minutes of undivided attention a day, and makes everything else in his world a higher priority. To let him know how hurt I am feeling, and have him look back at me with complete deadness in his eyes. To force me to take on so much responsibility of our home and our child without even a blink.

There is no right or wrong here, it is what I can take and what I can live with. I have felt like a low priority and very unloved for many years. Not since just BD, but much longer. Maybe H gave as much as he could, but it was not enough for me. And to live like this now, I can't do it. However in dealing with this experience, I realize how strong I am and what I can accomplish and handle in life. It's much more than I ever thought. And when I look in the mirror, I am proud of the person I see and how far she has come. I deserve much better than this.

If H and I talk, I will let him know how I feel. I'm sure it will go upon deaf ears, but at least I can express myself and know when I look back that I did all I can do. We will see how that goes and I can make some decisions from there.

Looks like I need to start a new thread soon.