Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[labug]

So you'e back where you were, keep working on you.

You've made a start.

Keep at it.

Remember, marathon, not sprint. You're reconciliation happened very quickly, take some time. She may decide she wants to do MC at some point, or not.

You can do this.

[gogofo]

Thanks for the support and the positive outlook, Bug. I am excited right now, only 90 minutes to my first coaching session.

[gogofo]

Had first coaching session last night and it was great. I told her my marital history and she had some good insight into us and the situation that I had not considered or thought of.

She offered support and hope and I was feeling really charged about working on my DBing. I know I get too high and don't have realistic expectations when I start into it, but she has me feeling optimistic now.

I need to recenter and be more realistic about where my situation is. I know my excitement during our attempted reconciliation had me avoiding big questions and issues in our R.

[MrBond]

Did you tell her who you were on these boards?

[gogofo]

When asked how I came to find DBing I mentioned the board in passing. I was not specifically asked if I was on the boards.

I will make a note to tell her next session. Is it important she knows that I am fairly active on here?

[gogofo]

W came to house this morning to get kids ready for school so I could go to work. Not much of an interaction, I asked how her night was she said good, she asked back and I said good.

Back to dry interactions again, I remember how this was in January. Seems like she has had a large back slide to where she felt she was early on in our S the first time. Not sure the exact reason or if it was multiple little things again.

Wished we would have done work on us and our relationship. Reading the 7 Principles of Making a Marriage Work by direction from my coach. There are passages that give me hope and passages that hurt my heart, but it is apparent that we did not work hard enough on our past issues.

My current goals are to try and open up conversation with the W and increase how much we say when we interact. Try to build upon our friendship. The ultimate goal is to get us to be able to be with each other on our 8th Anniversary on November 17th.

Need to plan changes and steps in me that can facilitate this. I have identified a 180 I need to do. I need to be more expressive of my feelings. I am better than before, but I need to be explicit. When people give me comfort and joy and need to express it so they know. When I feel uneasy or confused or flooded by emotion I need to express this too.

During our attempted reconciliation I did not express my uneasy feelings easily as I was worried I would send my W running. I would find ways to deal with them. My emotional sharing had increased, but only with positive emotions about our R. I could express negative or difficult emotions about others or work stress, but not about us. Bad idea if we were trying to rebuild. Another reason I think we need MC.

[MrBond]

It's not important for her to know, but I figured that it might give her more of an insight on your situation that you might not have been able to cover in your session.

[gogofo]

I attended an inspirational seminar this morning, A Passion For Service, and even though the teachings and techniques were applied to business I was taking them and applying them to my personal life. After all what are customers other than another relationship that is valuable to nurture and keep healthy.

Most of his talk focus on being a good listener, empathizing, being enthusiastic, effective communication skills, honor, respect, etc. Just about everything any good relationship book will tell you.

The part that hit home to me was when he talked about sharing in the dreams of other people and honoring and respecting them and their dreams. This is an issue between me and the W as I am not properly communicating my sharing in her dreams and future. I am sending the message and it is not in the proper way.

He also said a key phrase that hit me (because I had read similar suggestions but forgot about them), he said that instead of saying “no problem” say “it would be my pleasure”. He said that using this phrase can make a big difference in how people perceive and understand what you are telling or doing for them. In my interpretation it shows them that you are happy and willingly doing this for them. Saying no problem can give the perception that “Since I do not have a problem with it, I will do it for you. If I had a problem with it, I would not be helping you out.”

Big, big, big for me as this was my go to phrase and now I understand how my message of caring was lost in its delivery.

So I have been thinking about my short term goal of opening dialog to get to my long term goal of her wanting to talk more about us or the R. I also was thinking about my 180 of openly expressing my feelings, both good and bad; so I decided to send my W a text message of thanks.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays she teaches until 8:30 at night so it was decided that I would have the kids these nights, which makes sense. But I have to be to work at 7:00 in the morning so when they stay the night she has to wake up around 5:30, get ready for work, and drive across town to my house by 6:50. Not an easy thing to do.

When we were reconciling I told her it was easier for me to stay at her house so she did not have to wake early, etc. She felt smothered early on and like I was trying to slide into the home. I finally one day explained that I felt bad that I was not able to deal with the kids in the morning after they were at my house because of my schedule and not being able to change it. She asked me why I had never explained that to her before; I just assumed she understood this. (what a dummy)

So with treating her like a neighbor whom was doing a nice thing by sacrificing their time to help me I sent her this text.

Me - “Thanks for getting up early after a short night of sleep and getting the kids ready for school. I appreciate it.”

Her – You’re welcome

Her – Am I picking them up Thursday night or Friday morning?

Me – “I know you have to get ready for WHC and Chicago along with classes so whatever works best for you would be my pleasure. I can even put them down of take them out to you Thursday, if that is a better solution.”

She has a crazy schedule and no time to fit extra things in the next 7 days, so I was letting her know I shared in her dream by putting down in words. Something I had yet to do in our relationship.

I said what I would have said to anyone who did this for me out of the blue. My wife normally would not have heard these kinds of words from me because I would have expected she understood the situation and my appreciation when I would just say “thank you”.

She bends over backwards for many others and is very selfless. I also am more willing to help others than myself, now I am letting those people know. I think when it is family and our SO we do not let them know how much we care and how happy we are to help; this is the case with me. I just made the assumption everyone understood how I felt etc.

I am really working on being selfless; I love the way it feels. This is a good 180 for me and my life.

I now am going to see if there is cheese down this tunnel. She did call me and I stepped out of a meeting to answer. She said she just needed to talk about a couple of things and would call me later. It is hard not to speculate of mind read what they could be, so I am trying to avoid that mentally.

It is funny how you can hear the same message multiple times and then all of a sudden smack. I guess like MWD recommends, sometimes it is the how the message is delivered not what the message is. I was going to do this before the second separation. Now I have to do it from afar.

I was thinking about DBing when writing the text and Sandi's rules; didn't have them in front of me but I don't think I violated any of them.

[gogofo]

Never did get a phone call, felt like reaching out and asking what she needed but held strong and kept my distance. Did this twice yesterday.

I was going to Home Depot and saw her drive by on her way to the movies with the kids. We were supposed to go together, but oh well. Felt like sending a text that said "Movies! Have fun!", even grabbed my phone and started to type.

I hit the breaks and thought about why I wanted to send the text. I was trying to convince myself that it would be being a good neighbor to be saying "hey saw you headed to the movies, have fun!" but that is not me and not actually where my feelings were. What my message would have been is me shyly reaching out to be invited to enjoy the movie together. Took a couple deep breaths and went on my way.

Felt good about not sending the text, it was probably pursuing and acting out of emotion. Trying to keep on track with my DB principles.

So two unneeded text messages or phone calls avoided yesterday. Feel a little apprehensive about it now, but I am starting over again in our situation. The beginning is hard again because of the drastic abrupt drop in contact, the whole wanting and needing the contact part.

The first time we separated I needed to talk with her, now I want too. I keep reminding myself that when she wants to she will contact me. This is her timeline and I cannot rush her, if I do I may push her closer to D. I need to keep respecting her feelings about wanting to be separated, even if I do not agree with them.

I will have some sort of interaction, text or call, with her today as we need to find out what the plan is with the kids. I may have to reach out later today, but it will be because of the kids.

[gogofo]

Feeling angry and cheated tonight. I have been thinking about my W making a pro and con list about me and it makes me mad that she is trying to reduce me to pluses and minuses. I am much more than can be quantified by a list. I have been thinking about when she said she made the list and asked me what she needed me for. I just feel so insulted.

Need to through these feelings because she will be over to get the kids and I need to appear stronger than I feel right now and I need to dump my anger.