Need Help before I blow a fuse.

[Ahoy]

20, I don't know what the vets would say. Some would say bring the A into the open. For me, I would simply GAL, 180, PMA, and get out of her way. Instead focus all of your attention and energy on yourself and the kids. Sometimes when an A is called out, it brings the spouse out of it sooner, but sometimes it blows everything up and the spouse walks away. So don't be in a hurry. As long as you can tolerate the situation, maybe just sit on the information for now and see how things evolve. See if she responds to your changes.

Being mysterious can be as easy as saying that you'll be home a bit later tonight, or that you have to leave somewhere early. Just don't provide information about what you're doing unless asked. And even then you don't have to provide details. Just go about "as if" and allow yourself time to grow on your own and detach as well.

[20&lost]

Ahoy, thanks for the input. That is where I am stuck. After reading about "Nice Guys" i wonder if I need to get a backbone and let her know that what she is doing is not going to work for me any more or just GAL,180 and PMA for a while longer. I am tired of felling like the door mat. Somewhere I need to stand up for myself and let her know if that is what she wants then just leave. I did meet with a lawyer the other day and he said to not do anything rash, that is if give her the its is either the OM or me, I need to have proof and then act accordingly. Some days I see positives and then it is back to the same. Her parents were in town this weekend to see my D cheer. My W had not seen them since last December and she took Saturday off to go shopping and was gone for 4 hours. The whole family was to eat together that night. She ordered food but didn't eat and then I found out the next day that she wasn't hungry because she had had a early supper with the OM. This is the first time I have snooped in a long time (found the receipt in her pocketbook). She called me multiple times that afternoon to keep coming up with excuses (lies) why she wasn't home yet.

I just do not know whether to stay the coarse (GAL, 180, etc) or to get a PI, show her the proof and tell her she has a decision to make.

[20&lost]

Need some help from a Vet! It appears to be a mix bag on whether to call out my W on the EM possible PA or to let it go for as long as I can stand it. Need some help. If calling her out, should I engage a PI for complete truth.

[Ahoy]

I wish I had firm advice to offer you. I'm not a vet though.

I can tell you in my situation, I suspected a PA, but H wouldn't admit it for four months. He finally did. By then, he and his affair partner had gotten together on several occasions. So they are further along in their relationship. Maybe I could have stopped it sooner if he had admitted sooner, but I doubt it. I think he still would have left and pursued that relationship. They are just going to do what they are going to do, and they don't really care what we think about it.

If I were you, I wouldn't waste any energy on it. The affair will either burn out in its own time or she will make the choice to pursue that and leave the M. Nothing you can do -- whether revealing the A or not -- will change that. The only thing that might is you working on yourself, GAL, 180s, detach, etc.

I wish we all could follow a clear path here, but this is a big gray area. If you hire a PA and confront her with evidence, she will likely react in a bad way toward you and see you as the bad guy. There could be negative consequences. But allowing the A to continue and sitting by is really difficult. You'll have to decide what you're willing to tolerate. Just take it one day at a time. Remember, no one is MAKING you do anything right now. Take your time and reflect well.

[Roberta]

I urge you to speak to a divorce busting coach before you hire a PI. Take the advice from an online member and avoid this route. Most likely you will not handle the information properly and your marriage problems will worsen. Speak to a Divorce Busting coach and get professional advice on how to handle your situation.
Call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

[sandi2]

I have become a shell of the person I once was. I am scared to be firm because I am scared I'll run her off.

(sigh...... )

Being a firm and decisive MAN is what attracted her to you in the first place. Becoming a shell of the person you once were is what is running her off.

Look, you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children financially, legally, morally and any other way. She is openly disrespecting you! She practically has a "kept man".

What man tells his W it is fine for her to leave their bed and go tend to another man's dogs after midnight? I mean, you may not be able to control her, but you don't have to lay down and act powerless in all of this. Why would she want a H who just turns over and goes back to sleep after she informs him of such BS as your W did? Start standing up for yourself. Find the man you use to be.

You are probably a smart man. But you are not applying your smartness to this situation. You want to play dead and hope it will all go away and she'll magically want to stay in a M with a H she thinks is a doormat. Wrong! Even if by some miracle she decided to stay, she'll never respect you as a man if you don't act like one now.

I am not suggesting you confront her about your suspicions of her A with OM at this time. Get your proof and get your legal protection in order first. B/c once you confront her, she'll be warned and she'll prepare for battle. Right now, she's just playing you for a fool....she thinks.

But here's the main focus for now; start working on yourself to get your masculine confidence back. Stop taking her disrespect. Start standing up to her in other things (other than the A issues.....for now) and then when your lawyer gives you the thumbs up....go after her about the A.

25yrs gave you very good advice and some examples of how to address her disrespect in front of the children and others. This is an excellent starting place for you to make a come-back.

[20&lost]

I have an appointment this week with a coach.

[20&lost]

Met with DB coach this morning. He had some great advice.I need to stop doing things out of fear with my W. In her state she will be mad at anything so to start being yourself and take fear out of the equation and quit worrying about how she reacts. Also need to be more mysterious but do not do anything stupid that could come back to haunt me. I did she a jealous attitude on Monday when I told her I was going to meet some of the boys to watch the first half of the NFL football game. She said "Fine, hope you have fun" very sarcastically and with a little anger. I am still in a pickle as far as hiring a PI. The coach said that is not in the best interest of DBing but my L says I need independent proof of the A to protect myself if my M ends up heading to a D because if my W asks for a D and I have no solid proof of the A I'm screwed. I am am pretty certain (gut) she has met the OM a number of times over the last few weeks but I am not 100% sure. I also have no proof that the EA has gone to a PA but again I suspect it. Any thoughts?

[20&lost]

Lost my cool today. Just got tired of my W's constant attitude. I went home before she left and just told her I was tired on being walked on, talked down to and not having a W that wants to put any effort in the M. I told her that I loved her enough to let her go, but that I am not going stay in a M that she puts no effort any. She told me that she thought that I wanted out. I told her that I didn't but that if she wanted to then go file for D. I told her that I am not going to take her meanness anymore and if she wanted to stay in the M, she has to quit being dishonest and put some effort into it.

[20&lost]

Also, I told her I had talked to a L so I knew what the playing would be in as far as a D. I did tell her that almost all married couples go through difficult times. Is what we are doing or rather not doing what we want our kids to learn. That when when difficult times happen that you just give up. Is this the legacy that we want for our children, because when they get married, they will hit difficult patches and either they can try to work together or run away.