Wife dropped the bomb Part 2

[Shakspr]

So sorry about the anguish post-move. I know how fortunate I am that W just wanted out and wasn't trying to ruin me (although I am getting stuck with most of the debt.) I am currently happiest when reading Misty of Chincoteague to my D8 and watching stupid Pokemon cartoons with S11. He knows I hate them and we joke about how he is torturing me.

You will also learn to enjoy your time alone. Honestly, I am looking forward to it a little as my STBX is not my favorite person in the world right now.

[HopeTex]

Thanks. Starting to feel a bit better day by day. Today I was able to actually go shopping and organize things around the apartment without feeling flooded. Starting to accept the reality of the situation, which I imagine is the first step forward...

[HopeTex]

Ahh, the fun logisttics of divorce. W had the kids this weekend, and one of the daughters was sick so they didn't go to church. We are all still going to the same church.

I took it is an opportunity to go attend another church nearby. I have been planning on switching churches at some point, just to get some space from W. I just always feel akward and uptight when I am at church and she is there. I feel like I need some space.

Really enjoyed the other church, lots of friends there and no tough memories. Felt good about the decision.

Mention it to W on the phone today, she says "But I have been planning to switch to that church. I don't like it anymore at the old church, there are people there who are judgmental against me for filing for divorce. Maybe we can both go to the new church, but attend different services?"

I hemmed and hawed, first saying "well, I can't tell you where to go to church..." but then finally said: "I can't tell you where to go to church, but yes I would prefer that you not go to the same church as me. And I would like to go to the new church."

We tabled the discussion for now. Not sure what the right thing to do here is. I am really feeling the need to detach and get space from W right now. Altho maybe it would be better for the kids if we went to the same church each week?

BUt right now I just really am voiding being around her as much as possible, it just brings up too many difficult feelings, and I think it sets me back on my progress in finding a new life alone. If she insists on going to the new church, maybe I will stick with the old one.

Just kind of irritating, W always seems to get what she wants. She gets to have her divorce, stay in the house, have kids majority of the time etc., and I bear all the inconveniences and child support.

Seems like I can't stay with her when I wanted that, and now I can't get away from her when I want that!

End of whining episode. Not that huge a deal, just another small example of how divorce stinks.

[Nitty]

HopeTex, how are you doing? Give us an update.

[HopeTex]

Thanks for checking in Nitty. I think I am doing ok. THe first two weeks after the move were really brutal, as I've mentioned.JUst overwhelming and debilitating.

I am now in the 4th week post-move, and altho I have some really tough stretches of time, maybe a couple hours, I can definitely see an improvement in my overall health and state of mind. After dropping about 15-20 lbs in 3 weeks, I am eating again. Sleep (with meds) is getting better and better. I am able to get stuff done at work.

THe things I have been doing right are: exercising, staying in close contact by phone or in person with family and friends, especially guys who have gone thru this themselves, scheduling activities in the evening when I don't have the kids so that I am not just sitting around the apartment, prayer, giving myself grace, letting myself experience the grief instead of trying to stuff it or deny it, being introspective about what this experience is teaching me, what I can learn from the marriage and improve myself, etc.

Guys that have been thru this say that I am doing the right things, "doing the work" they call it" and this will help me heal well in due time.

The relationship with the kids is so great. Being solo with them for days on end has been exhausting but awesome. Contrary to my fears, I am actually a really capable caregiver! We have had a good time together, and I can already tell that our relationship is going to be so much deeper than it has been. Very nice silver lining there....

I am not sure if I have been DB'ing or not. The first two weeks for just so traumatic, I just tried to survive. Talks with W were about basic logistics, nothing else. I guess that is better than me pursuing, begging, etc.

This week I find that I am going through an Anger stage. I am mad at her for what she is doing to me and the kids. This translates into me not wanting to be around her, because right now her mere presence sets me off into a really bad mood spiral. So I am trying to not spend any more time with her than absolutely possible, I am declining her invitations for family dinner etc., and am jealously guarding my time with the kids and declining her self-invitations to join us.

Frankly this week I have been a bit short and cold and nit-picky and rude in my dealings with her. Not the best attitude or strategy, but that is where I am right now. She is way ahead of me in detaching, and she wants us to be the happy divorced couple that hangs out, no hard feelings. I am not anywhere close to that yet, not sure I ever will be.

The other day she texted that we should still do Sunday dinners together because "the kids need to see us operating well as a family unit." I bit my tongue and didn't take the bait on that one. But declined the offer.

In the past week I think I have dealt with my anger by pushing her away, and mentally giving up on the M. I think it is self-protection, since hoping for a change is so hard. I have tried to pick up the pace on the D proceedings, if it is going to happen I just feel like I want to get it over with and move to the next chapter in life. I see no real hope of a reconciliation pre-D, and only a minimal chance post-D someday. I am spending less time hoping for reconciliation, more time thinking about what is negative about her and the M, and more time imaging a brighter future with a healthier me and a healthier relationship with someone else someday.

Sometimes this attitude feels good, like it is me accepting reality and detaching and moving on. Other times I feel like I have given up DB'ing, and have given up on the marriage too early.

I suppose I need to get to a place where I am detached and have "dropped the rope" and am working on myself instead of focusing on her still. THat way there is a better me that comes out of this, regardless of whether she ever wants to restore the M.

Lots of confusing thoughts...

[Nitty]

Guys that have been thru this say that I am doing the right things, "doing the work" they call it" and this will help me heal well in due time.

Doing the work, yessiree. That is exactly what it is. So many people run right into the arms of someone else, because it's easy to forget the pain. Or they numb themselves with work, or exercise, or alcohol. Doing the work is the hardest thing to do, and yet you are doing it. You're taking the road less travelled.

This week I find that I am going through an Anger stage. I am mad at her for what she is doing to me and the kids.

I went through that. I started lashing out. I was pissed. To be thrown away, after over 30 years. And he did it turning a major turning point in one of our kids' lives, turning the focus of that major event onto himself. So self-centered. It was the first time I was really angry enough to lash out at him. But the DB coach said the stuff I did was "punishing" behavior. OK to be mad, just not to act in a punishing way. So I stopped.

It doesn't look to me like you're being punishing, though. It looks instead like you're taking care of yourself. It looks like she wants to eat cake. If she wanted a family unit, she should've tried to work on her marriage.

I suppose I need to get to a place where I am detached and have "dropped the rope" and am working on myself instead of focusing on her still. THat way there is a better me that comes out of this, regardless of whether she ever wants to restore the M.

Yes. I think I got caught up in the DBing, thinking that if I messed up with DBing, that I was ruining my marriage's chances. But really, I think DBing is about working on yourself instead of focusing on your WAS, just like you said. It's a progression that helps you with every step you take. If you stumble, you just pick yourself right up and start again, and the result is a better you, no matter what happens.

It's meant for you, not your WAS. So if she stays away, you are okay. If she comes back, you are okay.

All that said, I feel your pain, I wish there was something to say to make it better. It hurts like hell, makes you stop eating, stop sleeping, makes you question everything... nothing like it at all. I think the loss of a child would trump it, sure, but leaving our kids out of the equation... not much else can touch it. Scorchingly painful.

I think you're doing a great job in extremely difficult circumstances.

[HopeTex]

Thanks Nitty, appreciate it.

[Zues126]

Tex, you still read these? I'd like to know where you're at if you do. Thanks.

[HopeTex]

Hi guys, sorry haven't posted in a while. I am about 6 weeks past the move out, and am slowly but steadily recovering from that trauma. I am still doing the right things: counseling, exercise, talking often with guys who have been thru D. I can't say I feel better each day that goes by, as there are ups and downs, but if am definitely feeling better week by week.

Don't really see the W too often, I try to minimize our time together. I am still in the Anger stage but think I am moving thru it productively. I saw W today and it didn't set me off like it has in the past.

Still really enjoying my time with the kids, our relationship is so much deeper now. I think they are doing as well as can be expected.

Stopped wearing the wedding ring about a week ago. Just didn't feel right wearing it anymore. Not wearing it hasn't felt as tough as I thought it would. Just realized that when I saw W earlier today I forgot to even check whether she has taken hers off. I bet she has, since she has seen me without mine. Probably a good sign that i didn't even remember to check.

W met with her lawyer yesterday, and they are supposed to send us a draft decree sometime soon. Hopefully it will be reasonable and we can negotiate fairly quickly and painlessly.

Kind of had a date yesterday. She didn't know it was a date. Woman I had met thru work circles recently, so it was a business networking lunch, but I do find her attractive so it was an interesting experience for me. I know I need to stay away from serious relationships for quite a while, but it was nice being with a woman who seemed to be interested in me. Nice ego boost, and a reminder that lie will go on and will be good.

Not sure whether there will ever be a chance of reconciliation with W. Most likely not, but who knows. I think it would be way down the road, like a few years from now, if it ever happens. I can foresee me getting on with life and feeling much better being away from her and in a healthier relationship with someone else, and eventually feeling like the D was a good thing for me. Not that D is good, but my mindset is that I didn't choose the D, but if it is forced on me I will make the most of it, make it the best thing that ever happened to me by using the pain to prompt me to improve myself, my life, my parenting, etc. it is like people who get a terminal disease or lose a limb, sometime it ends up being the best thing that ever happened to them, because they make it so. I know that I am already stronger and wiser from the experience. God doesn't waste pain.

My counselor says I am doing very well and he thinks I will heal at a good pace. He says we are going to discuss setting a date off in the future, where I commit to not being in a serious relationship until that date. Then we will spend time making a list of the attributes and values I will be looking for in a woman. Should be an interesting exercise. I guess it is intended to prevent the quick rebound relationship where you just end up marrying the same person over again. I am a bit paranoid that I am attracted to troubled women, so I would like to correct that if possible.

My current job situation is still a bit unstable, but it am close to moving to a new employer. Hopefully it will be a good move.

[Zues126]

God tex. I felt like I could've posted all of that. From avoiding new women and concerns about gravitating to be wrong kind, to pessimism about chances of R but optimism about how we'll deal with the loss, to acknowledging there is still a lot of anger to work through and it's not easy but that there is a lot of good life in the middle of all of this. I feel you completely.

I paused here thinking of things to add but you've said it all. Ill just tell you about a funny message I left for my best friend. He knows I have a defense mechanism which can be either productive or destructive depending how I use it- I channel my negative feelings into drive and kick serious, serious tail in competitive endeavors. For me that's my new job (all commission, need to perform) and games. I am a pro level pool player but have been leaning more towards poker lately because there's steadier action and more money. So I've been working seriously on my poker game and have been having fun and getting better. In my message I told him I was having fun attacking my job and poker, and that "all I have to do is take all that pain of betrayal, disillusionment, and loss of my life partner, and turn them into profitz!" I started laughing in the message as I said that. Maybe you had to be there.

Take care and keep going Tex!