standing for me

[Maybell]

I wish I knew what to say, but I don't, so, I hear you and offer my support.

[raliced]

Ugh- Sorry for your daughter Ahoy. And I wouldn't feel bad about inadvertantly letting the cat ut of the bag. Your daughter is a smart girl and your husband is nota smart guy at the moment and she would have figured it out pretty quickly. From all you've written, it sounds like she had her suspicions too and probably didn't want to believe it.

I struggle with the craziness thing as I'm sure my H is depressed, which is a "sickness" after all. But they still had some free will in there.

I'd say "Hang in There"- but it sounds like you're doing pretty well.

We do seem to be Timeline Sisters.

[raliced]

Okay -- forgot to ask my question. How much should a 14-year-old be told. I think she deserves a soft version of the truth because she already has suspicions that are driving her nuts. And she needs to understand that H has moved on and we are not getting back together.

I would like him to say, "I have been unhappy since January, and I am seeing someone else to see if I might be happier. It doesn't change how I feel about you, or my love for you."

If he insist on dating against her wishes, I think he should say, "I know you've stated that you're not ready to see me dating right now, but this is an important part of my personal growth, and I'll make sure that it doesn't affect you."

Alas - you know you can't make him say anything smart or appropriate. I would try approaching it as emphasizing that you are not planning on dating for awhile for all the sensible reasons that have previously been discussed here, but that you can't speak for her Dad, and that he mightnot feel the ame way about it.

[Jefe]

I would like him to say, "I have been unhappy since January, and I am seeing someone else to see if I might be happier. It doesn't change how I feel about you, or my love for you."

If he insist on dating against her wishes, I think he should say, "I know you've stated that you're not ready to see me dating right now, but this is an important part of my personal growth, and I'll make sure that it doesn't affect you."

Ahoy, IMO, you gotta let this go. If he was capable of speaking about the situation correctly he would be capable of handling his marriage vows correctly. Rppfl is right. All you can do is lovingly be there for your daughter to pick up the pieces and remember that he's choosing to damage their relationship, not you.

I'm reminded of a scene from the movie Hope Floats with Sandra Bullock. The daughter is wanting to leave with her daddy and hes being a selfish a$$ and just breaks her heart and all mom can do is sit and wait to comfort her little girl.

[Ahoy]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I will let it go. I need to let H sort this out with her and just be there for D14 and her emotional needs. So sad for her. And for me, to be honest.

[bdub]

Gotta get out from between them.

I am struggling with this mightily right now. Trying to help WAW and s13 puts me right in the middle and could end up making me the bad guy, just like it did you with your H.
Let him figure it out, support your daughter and monitor the situation from a distance.

Lots of good advice lately in this thread!

[Ahoy]

H called to ask for family dinner to discuss D14's abuse of technology and parameters for handling her boyfriend when he's around. The issues are all at his house (no surprise). I said yes only because it's for D14. Then he gets mad at me again for the other night's communication with D14. He was also mad that we had seen his car when he was supposed to be "out of town" (but was hosting OW for the long weekend). I told him I would not have driven down his street en route to somewhere else had I known 1. that he had a girlfriend, and 2. that he lied about being out of town. He's mad at me, but he is the one lying. He's just embarrassed to be caught. Instead of owning up to his mistakes, he gets defensive and lashes out. So unattractive.

Immediately afterward I started to question if we are really going to be able to get through a dissolution rather than divorce, which takes a lot more one-on-one communication and agreement on our parts. We'll hire mediators for the financial stuff, so that should help. I want to choose the path of peace, and jim on this forum shared with me his firsthand experience of a child of divorce. I want to avoid nastiness. I really do. But H is nasty. So nasty.

Also, he got mad at me when I said, "I didn't realize you were hosting your girlfriend." He said I shouldn't call her his girlfriend. He "doesn't want to put labels on things." (Why? guilt and lying about reality of relationship.) I said, "Should I call her your mistress?" Then he hung up. I called back. I said, "I just don't know what to call her -- tell me what to call her and I'll use that vocabulary, but we do need to be able to communicate." Still no terminology recommendations from H, so I think I'll call her moccasin. Why the heck not?

H is so crazy. Moccasin is in for a real treat.

[raliced]

That's funny- I've always known about OW since BD and I've always called her "your girlfriend" to H as well because I was actually trying to be conciliatory and I thought it was the least perjorative.

Watch out for the defensiveness - it can easily turn to anger and more jerkiness. In light of recent revelations - I asked if H really meant it when he said he was going to help us keep the house and he immediately got defensive (and hostile). How dare I question his integrity? I realized its probably a better tactic to continually thank him for helping (despite the fact that its the decent thing to do, etc).

They feel guilty and then that turns to defensiveness and then to hostility.

I'm concerned as well. For starters H has always placed a huge amount of stock on advice from friends and who knows who is advising him right now? He's already said that the people he has talked to said it was "unavoidable" to use a lawyer- My guess would be some bitter divorcees. So, for the sake of harmony and the kids, I'm just going to have to continually resign myself to being the constant bigger person. Truthfully he could bankrupt us both - so I'll just keep emphasizing the lower cost option.

Thinking of you Ahoy - I hate this for both of us!

[SunnyB]

tell me what to call her and I'll use that vocabulary

The only person I ever mention H's OW to is my SIL. I have two terms that I use. One is extremely accurate but extremely unflattering and I will not share it here. The other is "the duck". You could borrow that if you decide you don't like "moccasin". ;-)

[Ahoy]

I have two job offers in a different state for the fall. Really amazing opportunities. It's in my home state, where I have family, friends, and support. My H and I plan to pursue a dissolution in January, and do shared parenting. I think this is the more peaceful, amicable, cheaper, and faster route, but I worry about my possible need to relocate in the future. My H has said he would consider moving to that state if I had an opportunity, but it could just be lip service to keep me from filing for D and pursuing custody. Any advice?

I'm assuming the dissolution is a done deal. I'll keep my mind open, but H shows no signs of wavering, and it's just a couple months away. And frankly, I'm done.