yes 25, i don't believe my W cares about the happiness of my children. she's more concerned with her "freedom" and going out with the girls than the effects of D on the kids. their behavior around her has taken a nosedive since i've moved out. but she has to "think about me! make decisions for ME!".
Bravo, don't forget how you got here.
You wrote on your very first post, a lot about your anger and how lousy you had treated your wife. Don't forget all that and blame her for being selfish.
Here's what you said in your first post... "My sitch-I have been struggling w/anger all of my life & it's costing me my family ---..... So obviously I was angry at God for all this and blamed myself and felt unlockable. Fast forward years & I meet the girl of my dreams. She loved and her only goal was my happiness. That wasn't her responsibility but I let her take it on. Over the years I broke her spirit w/my critical nature and anger....
I didn't plan it but I did it even though she never told me how bad I was hurting her. For the record, you'd have to be that rare person who is evil by nature to have "planned" to hurt her. You are not that way. But the fact is, your intentions are Not really relevant when your behavior is so poor. Most abusers do not "intend" to break the nose of their wife, but they lose their temper and slug away. After a year or so, Intentions are more or less irrelevant in these situations.
We have been together 15+ years married for 11. To hear her tell it it was all bad because she doesn't want to remember the good times and there were a lot! It's HER recall she will go by. And chances are that you don't really "get" how bad it was for her or how hurt she was. Also, men with bad tempers (and bullies) tend to think if they say they are sorry OR if they're simply no longer angry, that all the dust has settled. But a big blow up has much more lasting effects on a woman and if fear is involved, which is usually the case, it undermines the whole marriage.
Why? B/C most women want a husband who is a Protector, a man who makes them feel safer, not more threatened. Violent men, and men who yell or throw things are scary. They do NOT make us feel safe. Or loved.
The good news is that whatever good memories do exist, WILL resurface if you don't fuel her negative images of you with more of them. Instead, CONTRAST those negatives with new positives.
If she says you are always "losing your shlt," then you become Mr ZEN MASTER in control of his calm thoughts and confident in control emotions...
Make sense?
So last August she took a job in OR and her & the kids(s8 d4) moved out here w/out me. I stayed behind to sell the house and needed a job before we moved cause we couldn't 2 homes on 1 income. Why did the move happen at all? And Did you join them when you sold the house?
I would visit every 1 1/2 months. At home I was so depressed cause l missed them & felt like I asserting them down.
Please explain ^^ b/c I don't know what that means.
Fast forward to May 2014. I get a job offer and start to feel hope. So this is 9 or so months later? And how were your visits when you did see them?
Begin to listen to God tell me that I need to be a better person and husband. Make the Decision to change and a miracle happens-God takes away the anger that controlled my life. I don't tell W as I want to show her not tell her. So after driving cross country in 2 days, the first day I'm here she says I can't do this anymore. Meaning us! Thing is I understand and I'm not mad at her-but to not even get a chance?
Why do you think you did not get a chance? You were married for well over a decade. Are you saying She NEVER told you she didn't enjoy your temper? You thought maybe it was okay? But you also said you "struggled" with it all your life.
Think about this from HER Perspective...or you won't get anywhere. What would SHE say about that statement?
I moved out Aug 1st and we've done some things as a family and even went out 1x just me & her (great time by the way). But she says she doesn't trust me and doesn't care about my changes. Meaning she does not trust that your changes are real or that they'll last. The "cure" for that is simple, though it may not happen in time for you.
"Consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in."
She cares about your changes. That's a certainty. I think you mean she isn't willing to reverse her decision to leave you EVEN IF you are making those changes.
But are the changes being made to get her back, or b/c you think the changes are needed so you can become the man you were meant to become?
She's not having an affair-but I'm now the husband she always dreamed of.
no offense, but according to whom?
B/C If SHE said that, then you are in a great position. You merely keep it going and divorce or no divorce, she will most definitely consider a reconciliation b/c you're her dream h!
She's paid the retainer for a divorce atty and wants someday to have a normal relationship w/someone who will love her. what do you think that^^ means? Describe how you think SHE would describe the marriage before...AND
then describe what you think YOUR WIFE would like in a marriage. Can you visualize it? Flesh it out so you know what the end zone looks like and where it is.
And then the next minute she cryingbecause she's hurting me so bad. And saying the classic WAS quotes it's time to make decisions for me. I'm gonna do something for me. Don't label her comments in such a dismissive way. Is that typical for you?
Those ^^ particular "Classic WAS" are also the words of someone who has had an awakening, & who no longer wishes to be controlled or manipulated or responsible for everyone else's happiness, including/especially the adult man she married.
And they are the words of someone who has not had enough freedom to act without critical scrutiny. Don't skim over your role in the marital problems, b/c you do so, at your peril.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi 25. I think that maybe there are some wires crossed or divorce.t some miscommunication.
Id like to reassure you that I don't see it as 'babysitting' - I love my time with the kids and have worked compressed hours for the last 3 yrs so that I get an extra day with them all to myself. I will take every minute I can get with my kids.
I believe my W only wants freedom to chase OM and that at the moment the kids get in the way of that therefore to her I'm the perfect 'babysitter' (for a while it has seemed her only interest in me is that I love my kids and earn a good wage - she has now decided that's not enough).
I'm not trying to say she doesn't care about it its just it seems to be a long way down her priorities. She's too busy being angry, going drinking and chasing OM.
I think the point we all agree on though is that you should always try to be the best parent you can because not doing that is just stupid.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Oh man, I apologize for the hijack! Got sidetracked.
Mea Culpa.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: bravo61
yes 25, i don't believe my W cares about the happiness of my children. she's more concerned with her "freedom" and going out with the girls than the effects of D on the kids. their behavior around her has taken a nosedive since i've moved out. but she has to "think about me! make decisions for ME!".
Bravo, don't forget how you got here.
You wrote on your very first post, a lot about your anger and how lousy you had treated your wife. Don't forget all that and blame her for being selfish.
Here's what you said in your first post... "My sitch-I have been struggling w/anger all of my life & it's costing me my family ---..... So obviously I was angry at God for all this and blamed myself and felt unlockable. Fast forward years & I meet the girl of my dreams. She loved and her only goal was my happiness. That wasn't her responsibility but I let her take it on. Over the years I broke her spirit w/my critical nature and anger....
I didn't plan it but I did it even though she never told me how bad I was hurting her. For the record, you'd have to be that rare person who is evil by nature to have "planned" to hurt her. You are not that way. But the fact is, your intentions are Not really relevant when your behavior is so poor. Most abusers do not "intend" to break the nose of their wife, but they lose their temper and slug away. After a year or so, Intentions are more or less irrelevant in these situations.
We have been together 15+ years married for 11. To hear her tell it it was all bad because she doesn't want to remember the good times and there were a lot! It's HER recall she will go by. And chances are that you don't really "get" how bad it was for her or how hurt she was. Also, men with bad tempers (and bullies) tend to think if they say they are sorry OR if they're simply no longer angry, that all the dust has settled. But a big blow up has much more lasting effects on a woman and if fear is involved, which is usually the case, it undermines the whole marriage.
Why? B/C most women want a husband who is a Protector, a man who makes them feel safer, not more threatened. Violent men, and men who yell or throw things are scary. They do NOT make us feel safe. Or loved.
The good news is that whatever good memories do exist, WILL resurface if you don't fuel her negative images of you with more of them. Instead, CONTRAST those negatives with new positives.
If she says you are always "losing your shlt," then you become Mr ZEN MASTER in control of his calm thoughts and confident in control emotions...
Make sense?
So last August she took a job in OR and her & the kids(s8 d4) moved out here w/out me. I stayed behind to sell the house and needed a job before we moved cause we couldn't 2 homes on 1 income. Why did the move happen at all? And Did you join them when you sold the house?
I would visit every 1 1/2 months. At home I was so depressed cause l missed them & felt like I asserting them down.
Please explain ^^ b/c I don't know what that means.
Fast forward to May 2014. I get a job offer and start to feel hope. So this is 9 or so months later? And how were your visits when you did see them?
Begin to listen to God tell me that I need to be a better person and husband. Make the Decision to change and a miracle happens-God takes away the anger that controlled my life. I don't tell W as I want to show her not tell her. So after driving cross country in 2 days, the first day I'm here she says I can't do this anymore. Meaning us! Thing is I understand and I'm not mad at her-but to not even get a chance?
Why do you think you did not get a chance? You were married for well over a decade. Are you saying She NEVER told you she didn't enjoy your temper? You thought maybe it was okay? But you also said you "struggled" with it all your life.
Think about this from HER Perspective...or you won't get anywhere. What would SHE say about that statement?
I moved out Aug 1st and we've done some things as a family and even went out 1x just me & her (great time by the way). But she says she doesn't trust me and doesn't care about my changes. Meaning she does not trust that your changes are real or that they'll last. The "cure" for that is simple, though it may not happen in time for you.
"Consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in."
She cares about your changes. That's a certainty. I think you mean she isn't willing to reverse her decision to leave you EVEN IF you are making those changes.
But are the changes being made to get her back, or b/c you think the changes are needed so you can become the man you were meant to become?
She's not having an affair-but I'm now the husband she always dreamed of.
no offense, but according to whom?
B/C If SHE said that, then you are in a great position. You merely keep it going and divorce or no divorce, she will most definitely consider a reconciliation b/c you're her dream h!
She's paid the retainer for a divorce atty and wants someday to have a normal relationship w/someone who will love her. what do you think that^^ means? Describe how you think SHE would describe the marriage before...AND
then describe what you think YOUR WIFE would like in a marriage. Can you visualize it? Flesh it out so you know what the end zone looks like and where it is.
And then the next minute she cryingbecause she's hurting me so bad. And saying the classic WAS quotes it's time to make decisions for me. I'm gonna do something for me. Don't label her comments in such a dismissive way. Is that typical for you?
Those ^^ particular "Classic WAS" are also the words of someone who has had an awakening, & who no longer wishes to be controlled or manipulated or responsible for everyone else's happiness, including/especially the adult man she married.
And they are the words of someone who has not had enough freedom to act without critical scrutiny. Don't skim over your role in the marital problems, b/c you do so, at your peril.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi 25. I think that maybe there are some wires crossed or divorce.t some miscommunication.
Id like to reassure you that I don't see it as 'babysitting' - I love my time with the kids and have worked compressed hours for the last 3 yrs so that I get an extra day with them all to myself. I will take every minute I can get with my kids.
I believe my W only wants freedom to chase OM and that at the moment the kids get in the way of that therefore to her I'm the perfect 'babysitter' (for a while it has seemed her only interest in me is that I love my kids and earn a good wage - she has now decided that's not enough).
I'm not trying to say she doesn't care about it its just it seems to be a long way down her priorities. She's too busy being angry, going drinking and chasing OM.
I think the point we all agree on though is that you should always try to be the best parent you can because not doing that is just stupid.
And plain wrong and probably vindictive (wanting to punish WAW) etc but YES I take your point.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Have not been on in awhile. Trying to get a life, be happy and confident, but emotions and feelings about what W is doing brings me down. She is pleasant to me but distant emotionally. Has been telling me and hear her telling others about how people comment on what a good person / Christian she is, as well as a good friend. All I can think about is, if you only knew the lie she is living. Feeling hopeless and wonder why I don't just file for divorce. It's the boys, our home and the shame. Feel trapped.
Going on a cruise as a family over thanksgiving with both of our parents and wondering how I am going to deal with W. Also still struggling with not having an affair myself. I have needs too. Know it is not right, but think it might build my confidence that I am loveable. At least that is my justification .
Mostly just venting here. Could use a dose of encouragement and suggestions right now.
mikechc - Your W is living a lie right now. I know it's hard because she looks like she's ahead. She gets the compliments, the fun, etc. and you get the pain, the shame. But it can't last forever. Take confidence in the fact that you're playing a long game. It's not about today, but how to reach the desirabl outcome a few months down the road. Perhaps over a year, even.
The uncertainty is very hard to bear, I get it. Apparently, people prefer knowing they have cancer than waiting for a diagnosis. But obviously, not knowing is objectively better. So hang in there, accept the uncertainty, try to get your mind off of it. Don't file for D if you don't want a D.
Even I, who's more tolerant of dating than most on this board, think it wouldn't be good to have an A to increase your confidence. I very much doubt it would anyway. Affairs are fraught with emotions, many of them negative. The sex is not all that satisfying either. Chances are that you'd end up with more problems on your hands.
Come here to see tons of people trying to do the right thing for their M, their children. See that some have been successful. Keep your eyes on the prize.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Is there a way to search for threads on this site that talk about couples getting back together after going through an affair? Right now I think I need to read about people who have weathered the storm and came out to see blue skies again.
Struggling to be warm and caring with W, but still detaching. I think I went too far detaching from her emotionally. How do I move back a little without coming across too needed?
Struggling to be warm and caring with W, but still detaching. I think I went too far detaching from her emotionally. How do I move back a little without coming across too needed?
Hi Mikechc,
On warming up to your W, you remember when you were first dating your W, right? I bet it was fun and exciting. You can do this.
Is it possible that you are not coming across as "warm and caring" b/c you are judging your W and what you think she is doing? This is something I have a problem with too. If not, where do you think it is coming from?
