My wife of 9 years (together for 19) had an affair with a co-worker in September of 2012. Things had seemed good in our relationship leading up to this discovery - in fact, her last text message to me before I found out was "I love you so much, can't wait to see you." When I found out, she left home and never came back. She filed for divorce in Sept 2013 and sometime before that she moved in with her affair partner. I have a long thread written during that time in the midlife crisis board.
Yesterday I found out they are getting married.
After all of the hard work I've done to try and detach and build a new life, I didn't think it would hit me so hard. But if I'm honest with myself, I'm devastated. I spent last night alternating between crying and tossing and turning. It brought back all of the feelings of being tossed out like garbage, replaced by some new shiny thing (despite the fact hat he is 10 years her senior).
I know I shouldn't care what happens to them - especially since we didn't have kids (but her affair partner does), but I really wish it didn't work out for them. I wish that I was the one getting remarried while she paid some kind of price for what she did. It feels so unjust.
Me:40 EX-WAW:39 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker started: 9/24/12 - ongoing ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 MC 9/12-12/12 D: 9/13/13 EX-WAW and affair partner marrying 10/17/14
"I know I shouldn't care what happens to them - especially since we didn't have kids (but her affair partner does), but I really wish it didn't work out for them. I wish that I was the one getting remarried while she paid some kind of price for what she did. It feels so unjust."
Grey, I feel sad for you. It is unjust. I don't know your spiritual state but the best thing you can do right now in your heart is release her. (trying to listen to my own advice at the moment) Release her and wish/pray for her all the things you want for your life. Happiness, fulfillment, love, prosperity, etc. It may not make the pain go away quick, but it will make your hands clean.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I'm realizing that one of the things that really hurts is the idea that their wedding is a celebration of the very thing that hurt me more than anything I've ever experienced and almost killed me. That a bunch of people, many of whom were formerly family and friends, would come together to celebrate their affair-turned-marriage is horrific. Our society's seeming inability to find fault with cheaters is disturbing.
For a time, I thought I'd let go entirely and did not wish anything for her - good or bad. I'm sure there is some karmic logic that I'm not comprehending in your suggestion that I pray for good things for her but that doesn't resonate for me right now. The best I'm capable of is thinking of her neutrally, as I would think of an inanimate object like a rock. And for the time being, I'm not even capable of that anymore. I mostly just want them to magically disappear along with any recollection of the last 20 years.
Me:40 EX-WAW:39 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker started: 9/24/12 - ongoing ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 MC 9/12-12/12 D: 9/13/13 EX-WAW and affair partner marrying 10/17/14
" I'm sure there is some karmic logic that I'm not comprehending in your suggestion that I pray for good things for her but that doesn't resonate for me right now."
I don't do the whole Karma thing because for me, God is in control.
The praying for them oddly is more about helping you. You don't have to do it now or ever have to do it and I don't know if I was in your shoes that I could do it either. Just something to think about.
BTW, this just prompted me to get on my knees and pray for my ex-wife, right now.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Grey, I'm sorry to hear your WAW is remarrying. My WAW is currently in an EA (not PA that I know of) with a co-worker too. W and I aren't separated or divorced yet. However, if our R doesn't get back on track I fear the thought of her remarrying to the guy she's in the affair with.
I hope you can stay strong through this and your wounds heal.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Thanks Arcola. Is the affair still going on? The EA is usually a more powerful wedge than a PA, especially for women. I failed to understand that in my situation. I found it was impossible to rebuild my marriage while she refused to end the affair (claimed she wasn't pursuing it in couples therapy and was clearly lying about it). While the affair partner is in the picture, the marriage will always pale in comparison to the bright, shiny affair fantasy.
I truly hope that you make it through this. It is a horrible thing to experience and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Stay strong.
Me:40 EX-WAW:39 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker started: 9/24/12 - ongoing ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 MC 9/12-12/12 D: 9/13/13 EX-WAW and affair partner marrying 10/17/14
My wife of 9 years (together for 19) had an affair with a co-worker in September of 2012. Things had seemed good in our relationship leading up to this discovery - in fact, her last text message to me before I found out was "I love you so much, can't wait to see you." When I found out,
what did you do or say that got her out so fast? She certainly took her time filing...
she left home and never came back. She filed for divorce in Sept 2013 and sometime before that she moved in with her affair partner. I have a long thread written during that time in the midlife crisis board.
Maybe it wasn't a MLC after all. Maybe she evolved and changed, and he's more well suited to her now. Would that be the worst thing in the world? What if you are a great man, but she left anyhow?
Does her choice to leave and remain away, MEAN you are the "loser" here? I submit it does not.
Yesterday I found out they are getting married.
After all of the hard work I've done to try and detach and build a new life, I didn't think it would hit me so hard. But if I'm honest with myself, I'm devastated. I spent last night alternating between crying and tossing and turning. It brought back all of the feelings of being tossed out like garbage, replaced by some new shiny thing (despite the fact hat he is 10 years her senior). I know I shouldn't care what happens to them - especially since we didn't have kids (but her affair partner does), but I really wish it didn't work out for them. I wish that I was the one getting remarried while she paid some kind of price for what she did. It feels so unjust.
Me:40 EX-WAW:39 -- EX-WAW and affair partner marrying 10/17/14
The concepts of "fairness and justice" are old AND yet still fresh. They come up often. I spent a ton of time on them in my "ordeal".
A few cases come up. My oldest brother left a wonderful woman for the single life. I think he had delusions of dating beautiful rich women who would LOVE being with him and have no expectations of him (like helping to raise their child, working around the house to help his wife on her home repair, etc)...but alas, the one woman he dated who did NOT ask for much from him, is who he married.
She's a kind hearted smart woman, but not a stunner, not younger, and not a big income earner. She also expects so little of my brother that I think in his way, he is "happier". NO "Dashed hopes" to see b/c this wife is not disappointed in him the way his reasonable previous wife would have been. But he's not exactly living the dream...
My new sister in law got the child she wanted (his second daughter, who is 22 years younger than his first daughter) but his new wife does not have much of a companion b/c my brother does Not get his joy from relationships so much as from his work.
That's where his "love" goes and so HE seems happy enough. Does that mean something UNFAIR happened?
No, b/c My former sister in law married a man who truly loves her as she is, and today she is literally happier now than she ever could have been with my brother.
I say this despite how broken hearted she was at the time he left, and even though I still wish they had stayed together. (But she & I are still close, fyi). She is happier without my brother disappointing and frustrating her ----------so who cares if he also seems happier b/c there is less conflict and disappointment to see? No connection between the 2...
ALSO I saw my former bil recently.
My x bil left my sister 12 years ago, after 3 kids & 22 years of m. She had been very good to him; she put him thru law school and worked the WHOLE marriage, so she got NO alimony even though he earns 6 figures BECAUSE she got him there.
He'd been a difficult man to live with. He was also witty and smart, but damn that guy was a tension monster. The divorce was patently, indisputably UNFAIR and UNJUST.
Shortly after he left my sister (very shortly after, if you get my drift), he remarried. Later on, so did my sister, eventually.
Wheraes He married a woman he THOUGHT would give him all that he wanted b/c he likes a lot of alone time, and wants a career woman - he actually married someone who HE describes as "high maintenance". KARMA!!
But he also said "I have to really work on THIS marriage...b/c I can't fail twice." (ouch, UNFAIR!!...)
So is HE happier? Probably not, but so what? What matters to ME is how my sister is doing.
Thing is, my sister married a man who really "gets" her. So she is, truly, happier now than she could have been with her former h.
Her 2nd h is calm and not easily ruffled, which matches my sister's temperament MUCH better.
Sure, It's a bummer about the kids and first m ending in divorce, but SHE herself is far better off. (And she sees this, though she has regrets for her kids).
But it does not matter IF her ex is happy b/c HIS happiness and or HIS Misery --- is HIS problem and has no affect on HERS.
Similarly, if you were to win the lottery, would that necessarily make your former wife miserable? No.
If her car breaks down, it does not mean YOU had a great day, right? ((B/C her happiness/misery are NOT an index to YOURS.)) You are and always were solely responsible for your own happiness.
When you finally really take charge of your life and your own happiness, you will find that SHE & HER activities, do not matter or relate to YOURS.
All the work you did on yourself is STILL there and STILL valuable! Her actions have nothing to do with them, unless you are now saying you only made those improvements to get her back...?? (Then they were tactics, not authentic changes).
She can win the lottery or go bankrupt; she can remarry or be a spinster, BUT all that should matter is what
You are creating in your own life. And that is all, completely, solely, up to you.
Which is great news! Take charge.
I also read this: "When you hold onto anger to punish someone else, that's like lighting yourself on fire----
to get smoke in their eyes."
Don't connect HER life to yours ---
or her happiness or misery (or your perceptions of them) to yours.
Ignore her happiness/misery.
Own your happiness. Pursue Your happiness. Create it.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
