SS, I know it doesnt seem like it, but, you are still early into this.
I came kicking and screaming into DBing. Trust me on that. I would say to the vets then, "Are you people crazy? You want me to let him go? How is that going to serve me?"
Until I got it. Here's what I learned. The sooner you come to the acceptance of what is, the sooner you get unstuck. You dont have to like it, but, you do have to accept it.
I learned that no one can make us happy and it must come from within. When you learn that, the real healing begins. We can’t really love someone else, until we love ourselves.
When I began this, I made a roadmap. I started to think about some questions I wanted to ask myself. What did I want to see when I looked back? Who did I want to see? What did I want to show my son?
I knew I wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I did everything possible to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to say I acted with dignity, courage, strength and grace. I wanted to see that I had grown and changed. I didn’t want to fail at this opportunity of showing my son how to get through life’s tough parts. I wanted to know that I did nothing to interfere or cause harm to my son's relationship with his father.
So, with this roadmap, I figured out how to move forward and detach. I learned to believe in me. I knew that I trusted in Him. I knew because of that, I would be ok.
I learned that the hardest part in all this is in letting go. But, that is the greatest act of love. It doesn’t mean you are giving up. It doesn’t mean you do not care. It is saying that you hear your spouse; you honor their feelings, and cherish them enough to lovingly allow them to walk their journey.
With that mindset, you begin to detach in that their actions and words do not affect your actions and words. You are allowing them to live their life, and figure themselves out and you are allowing yourself to do the same.
When it is time, the hope is that no matter what, you come to a place of forgiveness. That is so important. You do not want to carry that anger and bitterness around with you forever. It saps your energy. It weighs you down. Forgiveness is a way to honor your relationship, your marriage. It is an acceptance of what is and the letting go of expecting something different.
SS, I know how devastating this is. I know that you feel lost and powerless. Please know you will not always feel that way. You will get through this. You will be ok. You will come out the other side stronger and wiser.
Your h is lost right now. He is trying to figure out what is wrong. He cannot deal with knowing that his D will be hurt.
I know that as parents, we want to shield our children from everything we can. Here's the truth of this. If you are ok, your d will be ok. I am not saying it isnt going to be hard. I am saying that you are her touchstone. She will be looking to you to determine how she feels. Show her someone strong and loving.
As far as the changes, they have to be for you S. If they arent, then they arent real. They have to be consistent and long term. He isnt ready to see any of that yet. He has a long road ahead. Leave him to it.
Get on your path. Feel what you feel than let it wash over you. You cannot change the past. You cannot force him to see things. That only person you have control over right now...is you.
Be the person you want to be today...for you and your daughter.
You have to let go of the life you imagined and begin to see the life you can create. It may look different, but different isnt bad. You can make it anything you choose. How powerful is that?
Caliguy, I'm starting my list. All this nebulous talk of growth and change... I need to see what it is I'm working towards. What do I want to change about myself? For me, not stuff to change for H. That's a really tough part. I know the things I need to change for us to have a good marriage...
... Looking at what I need to change for me? That's harder to pinpoint.
Try thinking of it not in terms of just your marriage.. what about relationships with others? Your D? Friends? Colleagues? What changes can you practice now so that your next romantic relationship (whomever it is with) will be better.
Because at the end of the day, whoever you are with next (your H or someone new) will still have some sh!t. We all do. No one is perfect.
That's the faulty thinking our WAH have... they think it's because we are just not a good match. Instead of a lack of skills (which can be learned and improved). And that's why people get divorced multiple times.
SS, I know it doesnt seem like it, but, you are still early into this.
i know. I hate that fact but it's true.
I came kicking and screaming into DBing. Trust me on that. I would say to the vets then, "Are you people crazy? You want me to let him go? How is that going to serve me?"
Until I got it. Here's what I learned. The sooner you come to the acceptance of what is, the sooner you get unstuck. You dont have to like it, but, you do have to accept it.
I get this, too. Unstuck would be good. I can sort of hear the desticking sound like the pulling up of duct tape from a table... I'm hoping that's the sound of my imminent unstuckness.
I learned that no one can make us happy and it must come from within. When you learn that, the real healing begins. We can’t really love someone else, until we love ourselves.
this I agree with this of course but it implies I don't already love myself. Maybe I don't, probably I don't but I understand this takes time. How does one begin to realize their own happiness? Where do I begin here?
When I began this, I made a roadmap. I started to think about some questions I wanted to ask myself. What did I want to see when I looked back? Who did I want to see? What did I want to show my son?
I knew I wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I did everything possible to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to say I acted with dignity, courage, strength and grace. I wanted to see that I had grown and changed. I didn’t want to fail at this opportunity of showing my son how to get through life’s tough parts. I wanted to know that I did nothing to interfere or cause harm to my son's relationship with his father.
So, with this roadmap, I figured out how to move forward and detach. I learned to believe in me. I knew that I trusted in Him. I knew because of that, I would be ok.
I learned that the hardest part in all this is in letting go. But, that is the greatest act of love. It doesn’t mean you are giving up. It doesn’t mean you do not care. It is saying that you hear your spouse; you honor their feelings, and cherish them enough to lovingly allow them to walk their journey.
I'm in the early stages of this: the "I want to let him walk his journey. I want to get out and stay out of the way". I keep backsliding and I think it's because I'm so reactionary to my emotions. I'm adding this to my list of things to work on. I assume that because my heart is breaking he should stop doing what he's doing. In reality it doesn't work that way, does it. Big girl panty moment. My emotions rule my actions and it has been an excuse for bad behavior "but it "felt" justified. I am in control of my emotions... Or at least I need to get there.
With that mindset, you begin to detach in that their actions and words do not affect your actions and words. You are allowing them to live their life, and figure themselves out and you are allowing yourself to do the same.
I can't wait to get to a place where his actions and words aren't constantly making me wonder "does that mean he still wants a divorce? Does that mean he's considering coming home? I can't even believe it's a possibility but I have hope"
When it is time, the hope is that no matter what, you come to a place of forgiveness. That is so important. You do not want to carry that anger and bitterness around with you forever. It saps your energy. It weighs you down. Forgiveness is a way to honor your relationship, your marriage. It is an acceptance of what is and the letting go of expecting something different.
SS, I know how devastating this is. I know that you feel lost and powerless. Please know you will not always feel that way. You will get through this. You will be ok. You will come out the other side stronger and wiser.
I will. I believe you. It's mostly based on faith rather than deep rooted belief but sometimes that's all we need to take the first steps, right?
Your h is lost right now. He is trying to figure out what is wrong. He cannot deal with knowing that his D will be hurt.
I know that as parents, we want to shield our children from everything we can. Here's the truth of this. If you are ok, your d will be ok. I am not saying it isnt going to be hard. I am saying that you are her touchstone. She will be looking to you to determine how she feels. Show her someone strong and loving.
I am. I'm trying. I am strong and I am loving. I am proud of what she is seeing in me and our really good co parenting. I am really lucky that H has decided to step up big time in this department. Just yesterday and had gotten in trouble at school and was sent to the office. I didn't handle it well. When H was talking to her last night before bed he handled it SO well. Calm, collected, reasonable, understanding... Just really great... AND I TOLD HIM. I wanted him to know that I don't see myself perfectly and him terribly. I told him he handled it much better than I did and that I would reframe my outlook on the situation. He seemed surprised that I complimented his parenting but he deserved to hear that. And so did I.
As far as the changes, they have to be for you S. If they arent, then they arent real. They have to be consistent and long term. He isnt ready to see any of that yet. He has a long road ahead.
ok, this is where I am really stuck. The changes I want to make would Profoundly change me and my relationships in general. I'm not making them FOR H per se but the changes he has always said he needed are on the list, just for ME. Can you give me an example of a change you made for you and not for H? I know it sounds fundamental but it'll help me. Leave him to it.
Get on your path. Feel what you feel than let it wash over you. You cannot change the past. You cannot force him to see things. That only person you have control over right now...is you.
I need to tattoo this to my face. Feel free to copy and paste this into every single post you make to me from now on. I need to see this constantly.
Be the person you want to be today...for you and your daughter.
You have to let go of the life you imagined and begin to see the life you can create. It may look different, but different isnt bad. You can make it anything you choose. How powerful is that?
I love this but I wrestle with not changing the physical aspects of the life I want to create. Like moving to NorCal. It's uncomfortable to be in the house where all this ickyness has occurred, in this town, with his family... Again, escaping perhaps, I know, but the idea of creating a life amidst the pain sounds... Well, painful and it's hard to dive head first into that.
Try thinking of it not in terms of just your marriage.. what about relationships with others? Your D? Friends? Colleagues? What changes can you practice now so that your next romantic relationship (whomever it is with) will be better.
Because at the end of the day, whoever you are with next (your H or someone new) will still have some sh!t. We all do. No one is perfect.
That's the faulty thinking our WAH have... they think it's because we are just not a good match. Instead of a lack of skills (which can be learned and improved). And that's why people get divorced multiple times.
This is helpful and a good mindset. I feel like my regression is so huge. I knew all this stuff two months ago, what happened to me? I forgot all the things that were holding me up and helping me every day and need to be reminded now. It's frustrating for sure...
But I'm practicing self-acceptance so it is just what it is, right?
In other news, I made D's staff for her Halloween costume. She is Maleficent and her staff lights up and glows. Im pretty impressed with myself. I'm not super crafty but I rocked this thing! Just have to wait for the air-dry clay to dry and I can paint it black! I think she's going to love it!!
Try thinking of it not in terms of just your marriage.. what about relationships with others? Your D? Friends? Colleagues? What changes can you practice now so that your next romantic relationship (whomever it is with) will be better.
Yes. For a LBS, this is essential as we don't have our SO with us on a regular basis (and accepting to our efforts) to practice. But I believe almost all skills that apply to our M's and intimate R's can be applied to normal social and professional environments on a smaller, although still significant, level. So for all LBS's, make your list and start finding ways everyday to practice.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Try thinking of it not in terms of just your marriage.. what about relationships with others? Your D? Friends? Colleagues? What changes can you practice now so that your next romantic relationship (whomever it is with) will be better.
Yes. For a LBS, this is essential as we don't have our SO with us on a regular basis (and accepting to our efforts) to practice. But I believe almost all skills that apply to our M's and intimate R's can be applied to normal social and professional environments on a smaller, although still significant, level. So for all LBS's, make your list and start finding ways everyday to practice.
That's exactly what I'm doing, card. I started my list. And I'm thinking if ways to put it all into practice every day. Have you started your list??
Ss, I wanted to say something profound but it flew out of my head. So I'm going to stew on it and will be profound tomorrow. Until then, sleep well and be well. This funk is the pits but it's a really important stage of the journey. Be proud of yourself for getting to it so promptly. That will matter to you a year from now.
Hugs!!!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Oh maybell, I can empathize. All things round and amazing seem to fly out of my head before I get a chance to formulate my point which is why many of my posts are disjointed and rambling. I'm calling it my " style". When in doubt, call it a "style".
Can't wait to hear your profound something.
On a separate note (because I'm full of separate notes these days), I did something very out of the ordinary for me tonight. Stepping out if my comfort zone. I ordered take out sushi for ONE, poured myself a glass of wine, and I'm about to watch a movie via netflix. I'm not doing laundry, emptying the dishwasher, dusting, holiday shopping online or cleaning out my fridge. I may put a facial mask on later but my point is this is unusual. I'm actually eating dinner (winning!), enjoying some local-ish Chardonnay and settling down to watch Katniss rebell. I'm not going to say to my self "you should have exercised today" or "this house is a wreck". Nope. I'm enjoying some sushi and wine and a movie.
