Riding the rollercoaster

[dawgy]

Hey everyone . Dawgy here .Hope everyone is still fighting the good fight . oddly enough I still am too . W is still at home . Why , I do not know . After i Shait kicked OM , I thought shed be gone for sure . I wish I could get inside her head and see what she really wants of me .
I am i bad need of advice on what I should do about what i should do next . Twice shes said she was leaving the end of the month and it never happened .Third time she said she had a lawyer and she was leaving , it never happened . I beat up the OM and she said she was leaving for sure , and shes still here . WTF??? why does she keep saying this and not following through . It is torturous . I think i know what i have to do . I need to tell her to leave like she said she was going to or stop cheating and stay with her family . Either or . But isnt that an ultimatum . I need guidance here folks

[Card29]

Yes, that would be an ultimatum and would not be productive for anyone. What do YOU want, dawgy? Of course you'll never completely forget about the A, but do you think you could heal and forgive enough to eventually have a successful M? That assumes she eventually comes around, too, but don't worry about that for now.

You have to clarify your own heart before you can set a clear course of action. You've seen what acting without thinking does, especially for people like us who are in the midst of the biggest crisis of our lives. You now should know that doesn't work. So do something different! Start with yourself and your own desires, then we can help you with your action plan.

[Little]

Can you try just maintaining a status quo? That is, be friendly when she interacts with you, but do not seek her out unless you absolutely have to and "ignore" her otherwise?

Just see what happens that way? Sort of a "going dark" even though you're in the same house?

My guess is that her reaction will be like a frightful cat - once you sit down and quit trying to get her attention, she'll start creeping forward....

[u-turn]

Dawgy - I'm glad to hear that your still hanging in there.

Try to remember through all of this, you want her to be happy too. You cannot control her. She eventually has to decide what she wants.

[MrBond]

After you beat the OM, do you think she's afraid of leaving because you might beat her or the next person she goes out with?

[PeterV2]

Good point MrBond.
Dawgy, good to see you back posting.
Dawgy, just try to detach and be sweet, friendly and compassionate. You're not the only one going through turmoil. Your W is too.
Sure you may believe she caused it (at least 50% anyway), but it's not the time to point fingers. You were both responsible for allowing the M to get to the point where she considered straying to get her needs met.
Time to self-evaluate, self-improve and self-control.
All the while play nice. No nastiness please. Smile. PMA. And really try to be the H she would be a fool to leave. But no pressure. No pursuit. This will take time. You must learn patience. Try meditating.

[dawgy]

Well Mr Bond . Ive been with my W for 27 years and never abused her in any way nor would i ever . Even through the turmoil shes put me through I would never ever consider it . So as for her being afraid of me abusing her , Im sure she doesnt even worry about that however she could very well worry about me assaulting whomever the next guy is or if there is a next guy . For sure , why wouldnt she , Ive already proved im capable of such an action. And to be truthful its gonna take everything in my power to walk away if i see her with that douchebag again . Another man ?? Im not sure of what my reaction would be . You see I warned the OM before I assaulted him via text message and to his face to back off , shes a married woman with children at home . He continued his pursuit in spite of two warnings . So , three strikes your out . Simplistic way to think but it all seemed to be out of my control .
I have minimal contact with her , Im even not sure if OM is gone 100 percent but shes still at home , cooking , cleaning , she was even working in the flower beds last night . so I consider what I did to be a small battle won in the war to keep my family together . Dawgy

[PeterV2]

Keep up the detachment Dawgy. Make sure to express your appreciation for her cooking and cleaning so she doesn't think you take it for granted. You could even roll your sleeves up and take on some fall cleaning yourself without her asking.
Positive reinforcement is what's needed.

[mindsin]

In hindsight, do you regret threatening, and even going as far as beating up the OM?

I can admit the thought crossed my mind too.

[MrBond]

"Ive been with my W for 27 years and never abused her in any way nor would i ever ."

And in that time, has she seen you beat someone else up. And seen her son beat another man as well?

"Even through the turmoil shes put me through I would never ever consider it . So as for her being afraid of me abusing her , Im sure she doesnt even worry about that"

Mindreading. You don't know what she thought and is thinking after she saw you assault another person. Violence changes people. Her whole perspective of you could have changed in an instant. Just because she doesn't say anything doesn't mean she's not affected.

"You see I warned the OM before I assaulted him via text message and to his face to back off , shes a married woman with children at home . He continued his pursuit in spite of two warnings . So , three strikes your out ."

It takes two to tango. Your W isn't your property. You don't have a chain around her neck and own her. Even though the OM may have pursued your W, you don't know what your W did to pursue him and it was HER CHOICE to do so. While you may not like it, she has a right to do what she wants.

"Simplistic way to think but it all seemed to be out of my control ."

That's BS. You have control. You saying that you don't is the same excuse that those people in prison say when they are blinded by rage. You are always in control.

And for the record, I did catch my W with her OM who just happened to be her M'd boss twice her age. Then he came over to my place of business and tried to get me arrested and fired for some bogus claim. So I know how you feel. I could have done what you did but I chose not to.

You always have a choice.