Maybell, thank goodness you're here. Seriously. I can't fully process everything you wrote but I will. I will. The statement: "your opinion of what your future could be is just as valid as his" helped me turn a small corner. Thank you. The rest is too much for me to take in. Do you ever get that way. Where more than a simple sentence is more than you can process?
Zimmy, I'm not averse to being friends but I don't want to be just buddies with my H. It feels like a consolation prize. If we get divorced, it's the best thing for my daughter but it's not what I want. What about you? Could you settle for just being friends after all this? There's no wrong answer, it's a GREAT thing to think about. I'm grateful you stopped by to comment on my thread. I'm not up on your sitch but all threads have something to teach us. Welcome to mine. I'll head on over and read up on yours.
Claire, I have another coaching session with Laurie. She's great. I'm sure chuck is awesome, too. I'm just feeling like I'm at a standstill. How can a coach make a difference at this point?
I'm so glad you all are here. I'm not sure I could survive this otherwise.
I really struggle with the friend question. On one hand, it may help pave the path back home and give him opportunities to be reminded of what he gave up and how wonderful I am - poised, confident, kind, forgiving - the kind of woman he would be crazy to leave (though he did anyway).
On the other hand, I am really really angry with him right now in reality. I'm not sure I want this lying cheating disloyal bastard back after all the hurt he has put me through. And why would I want somebody like that as a friend??? I love him, but he old him - not this shell of a person I am seeing now.
I just can't decide if he is lost or if he is just fundamentally flawed and has a bad character.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Ss, have you done any more yoga lately? Believe none of what you hear from WAH, and keep capitalizing on these "non"-dates. Don't forget to try to enjoy them on their own, too. If you're doing something with WAH and you both seem to be enjoying yourselves, just be happy to enjoy yourself and don't try so hard to find the meaning behind everything. In reality, there is probably no real meaning behind most of your WAH's words or actions now because he is very deep in his fog, still.
I was thinking about all of this today - the adjustment process for a LBS. I've been thinking it's all about GAL, detach, 180. Those help tremendously. But the most important thing, for me, is to face reality head on. Face it, but don't dwell on it incessantly for days/weeks on end. If you don't face the brutal facts of your sitch, you will delay healing and adjustment. I love the Stockdale Paradox...acknowledge all of the facts of your sitch, but also know your goals and pursue them with relentless optimism. That's nearly impossible to do for a freshly betrayed/abandoned spouse, but that's where the GAL and detach come in. When done consistently, they will prove to you that you can be independently happy. This takes (some of) the fear out of being left permanently. Then you can strike a healthy balance of being detached and independent vs. facing and processing the gravity of your sitch. That's all easier said that done, though, and when you're in a valley of the roller coaster, it feels like you're never going to get out.
Take care, Ss! You WILL come back out of this funk
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Zimmy, I hear you. My fear is being friend-zoned. H has already said to me that he doesn't see me romantically so I guess I'm already there but that kind of thing can change, right?
The person he is now could very well be who he really is but it's unlikely. It's hard to know. I am the last person to be giving out advice on this journey and process because I'm fighting it and struggling through it every single hour. There's a lot of wisdom doled out on this thread, zimmy. I wish I put it all into practice as well as I can but maybe you can.
Ss: When I spoke to my DB counselor Leni about my fear of the friend zone, she completely dismissed that as a problem. Said that the foundation for a good relationship is friendship. And once they've had a romantic relationship with you, some of that never goes away. It may get buried for a while, but the embers are still there. My ex is still attracted to me (he recently cheated on the OW with me multiple times - small revenge HA!), but says he doesn't "feel it" (I guess he means being in love) for me. Which of course is ridiculous if he thinks he can compare our long term love with newly infatuated affair love. He is truly blind and crazy right now.
But I also know that a truly secure person would never have allowed himself to fall into this trap. My ex was very insecure, weak, selfish and succumbed to the ego boost the affair gave him. He knew that his behavior would deeply hurt me and he did it anyway. He has gotten so good at lying that I think he is believing his own BS.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
They definitely believe their own BS. That's a trademark wrk of all this. I struggle with that because the BS from one day to the next is different. I guess the friend zone isn't a terrible place to be, it's better than many other situations where people aren't even talking but knowing my ah, I could be in the friend zone for decades. He's good at that. And stubborn. I may be doomed.
Maybell is right. Chocolate and a bath may be necessary.
It just aches and hurts so much. How can we all be living with this pain?
Zimmy, I hear you. My fear is being friend-zoned. H has already said to me that he doesn't see me romantically so I guess I'm already there but that kind of thing can change, right?
YES. Don't expect it on any kind of timeline, but be positive and believe that it will someday. If he eventually files, okay, deal with the finality then. For now, keep digging to get back to independent happiness and capitalizing (love bucket deposits) on any encounters you have with WAH.
Remember, we have to look at WAS as a friend, a casual neighbor, or even something like a cousin. Romance is simply not on the table right now. That [censored], but it's reality. But many people have been there (friends only) and are now reconciled. Crack open DR and re-read the 3-4 pages of testimonies that begin on pg. 136.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
