Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo

[shodan]

Fair point. I need to slow down a bit and try to find her pace.

[shodan]

Sunday was a pretty good day. We did not see each other much b/w kids activities and other stuff. But when we were around each other the mood was very pleasant. I of course am still very mistrusting of my W right now. Lots of signs point towards her wanting to be with me and the family more but without full transparency, who knows.

I think in her mind she is trying to be transparent. for example, she went for a long walk yesterday and when she got back, she told me that she ran into two of our friends and ended up walking with them for a long while and talking. These are people whom I see a lot, so I know she want not lying. I mention this b/c I sense that she wants me to trust her when she is absent. Does this mean should could not have texted/called the OM before or after meeting her friends? No. But it is a step in the right direction.

She also has been much more complimentary of me (telling me I smell nice, for example).

Detach and GAL are the name of the game for me. Starting crossfit today, which will help me meet some new people.

Keep telling myself...this is a marathon, not a sprint.

[shodan]

Quick update...I did my first crossfit class today. If was good fun. Looking forward to going back tomorrow. I also met a few cool people, which is important to me more than anything. The GAL and detaching thing works.

Now off to meet my IC.

[shodan]

Met with my IC today. He too saw positive changes in my situation. He encouraged me to find a reasons to travel a bit more. Said that her being without me clearly struck a chord.

I also spoke with a friend who had cheated on his W a few years ago. They are happily married now. He too echoed that my W's changes should be viewed positively but clearly she is still confused. He also encouraged me to just detach, be positive but show compassion as necessary. Not about the A, but towards her in general.

What continues to befuddle everyone is why she will not admit to the A despite obvious facts to the contrary. My DB coach thinks it could be that my W knows that once she admits to the A, she really needs to stop it (which may have happened already). My IC thinks she will not admit to the A b/c my MIL apparently never talked about her A with my FIL. She just woke up after a few weeks, came back and told him that they needed to work on their M. They did MC and were married for almost 50 yrs before he died the past May. My W knew about the A (her mom told her when it happened) so she may see "denial" as a potential path to R.

But I do know she is not fully immersed in the A:
- she is not in NYC this week and was not there last week. If she goes next week, it will be ~3 weeks since her last trip to NYC (which was for one night)
- she redecorated our living room and mentioned to me last night that she was shopping for a new couch for our living room. Not exactly the actions of a WAW in an A
- She is nicer overall towards me

When I left her this morning, she was getting dressed and was in her underwear. I told her to wear that to bed tonight (she looked super hot) and then said "I will make you a deal, you wear that to bed and I will let you touch me tonight." She smiled. I then kissed her and left.

So my approach is a little random...a bit of plan A combined with a soft plan B (GALing, not always available for her, etc.).

[shodan]

One point about GALing...it REALLY helps. Especially if you do something that you really want to do. While you are doing this activity (for me, this has been crossfit), you are not thinking about your situation. More importantly, b/c you are passionate bout the GAL activity, when you are not doing the activity, you are thinking about it, which keeps your mind off of your situation. The less time your mind is focused on your situation, the more detached you will be.

Do not GAL for the sake of GAL. If you do not like the activity, you will not detach while doing it. GAL because it is something that you want to do.

[wmwb123]

Good advice, shodan. I traveled for the sake of GAL. I did not enjoy it. I need to find something else.

[Jefe]

That's a good tip. I will file that away.

[shodan]

I like activities where you can show improvement, it requires your complete focus, you can do research on the side AND you can meet others. Hence why I have enjoyed crossfit.

Other ideas....cooking classes? You need to focus while doing it, can meet other people and can do research (read blogs, recipes, etc.) on the side. Also, you always can get better at it. Dance lessons could work as well, if you like dance. Same with martial arts.

I have been doing guitar lessons, which hits on all of the criteria except meeting people. I met my guitar teacher, but no one else. But it does require my concentration while doing it and I can do research on the side to take my mind off of things.

I also think a really good fiction novel can help. Something where you can get lost in the characters and story. You won't meet anyone reading but at least your mind is preoccupied.

[Jefe]

I'm thinking of the dance lessons, There are free C&W classes not far from here.

I play guitar semi-professionally and have for 20+ years.

I did martial arts many moons ago, maybe I could get back into it.

I haven't read a good Fiction story in 15+ years

Thanks Sho, all excellent ideas!

[Starsky309]

I did men's softball.