Jefe....thanks for the support But was this a typo?"figure out some sort of higher power and surrender to it. Be still, and stop trying to "manage" and "control" your life."Should LIFE be WIFE?
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
My wife moved out 2.5 months ago, I worry like hell about her. I quit asking where she is/was and what shes doing the day I found this place.
My answer is leave it. You must find your own truth.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Right now I know I could detach but it wouldn't be"lovingly" the only way I know is cold and bitter. ...I don't want that for my wife.
I'm tired and emotionally drained. I started getting frustrated w my daughter at bed time (she's almost 3) and I had to get very stern. Normally not an issue but because I'm so emotional right now, I felt SO bad and I broke down crying right on the spot. She stopped acting up instantly and hugged me and said "it's ok daddy, don't cry. I love you" as she patted me on the back and kissed my cheek.
I feel like such a terrible person for letting her see me like that.
Last edited by lostluv; 10/18/1412:49 AM.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Jefe....thanks for the support But was this a typo?"figure out some sort of higher power and surrender to it. Be still, and stop trying to "manage" and "control" your life."Should LIFE be WIFE?
No typo, often our problems can be the result of self will run amuck. Stop trying to manage your life and just be still in the moment, whatever that looks like for you.
It's my number one problem, the greatest cause of all my marital problems. My self will and my attempt to control my life and that of my wife. And for her it's the same. Seriously, stop trying to fix it and just be still for a minute.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I had a meltdown holding D2 about a month after BD. Made D2 cry hysterically because she didn't know what was wrong with me and was scared. But these little ones get over it quickly! So don't fret. The hysterics will still come to you from time to time (less and less frequently, I promise), though, so you need a plan. As long as your D3 is safe alone for 30 seconds wherever you are, if you feel that coming on, just run to a different room, shut the door, bawl your eyes out, get it over with, wipe off your face, take a deep breath, and go back to her.
Building on what Jefe said, think of you as a rock and your emotions as a stream flowing over the rock. The emotions are just flowing over you, but YOU are unchanged. You are still a rock. I heard that from someone here when I first signed up and it has helped me a couple of times.
Also, have you seen people here talking about the Stockdale Paradox? Apply it to your sitch. It is very powerful. Look it up, but basically it's two components: Forcd yourself to be relentlessly positive while also being 100% aware of the reality of your situation. Face the gravest details of your reality - say them out loud, write them down and read them. It HURTS to admit the worst, but give it a little time and those facts will have less and less effect on you and your emotions. I promise.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I don't know how to just sit still. I'm having a fit at the moment trying to calm myself.
my wife is out with her girlfriends (from work) and is posting pics of them having fun and their location...that's fine. but her friends are posting the pics on her line of all of them, with their boyfriends and an extra guy. she told me it was "girls night out" and I was completely fine with that..... but to see the pics is a dagger in the heart, repeatedly stabbing with a twisting motion while dumping salt on it.
WTF....
i'm so p'd right now. i want to give up on EVERYTHING, tell her to move the F out. i'm SO angry right now. I want to react so bad but I can't!!!! that's probably what she wants!
i need some serious help
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Stop stop STOP checking her FB. Id recommend getting off FB altogether for now, but if you must be on there, at least "ignore" her feed so you're not subjected to it. Same idea for Instagram, Twitter, whatever. Don't check them, period.
What good can come from it? What are you hoping for, her to publicly announce that she loves you again? And you're not going to find direct evidence that she's running around on you, either, unless she's really dumb. You're just going to get a bunch of mundane posts and pictures like that (I'm sure nothing is going on and she's just enjoying an escape from the misery of the sitch), and you'll end up mind reading.
If you can't sit still, then look up a fitness routine on YouTube RIGHT NOW and do it. Something cardio, high-intensity. I know you can't go anywhere because you have D3
Hang in there, lovelost. You have to make detach your absolute #1 priority. I was right where you are about 3 months ago. Checking her FB, text bills, installed s tracking app on her phone, I even tried to spy on one of her outings (unsuccesfully). It was all stupid and pointless and only caused me more heartache. I know why you are doing it - because it's all you can think about. You need to stop thinking about her, but the thoughts won't slow down while you are actively snooping.
What part of your sitch has you most anxious? Fear of losing W, living a future without her? Fear for D3's development? Fear she is having an A or looking for an OM?
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I did the snooping before....and ur right, just hurts. So I gave it up. I wasn't looking on her favebook, her feed just shows on mine and that's where I saw it. I actually did deactivate it last night, but the next morning my son messaged her then she text me to tell me he couldn't message me. So I had to reactivate it since that is the only way my son (20 and in army) can communicate w me when in Korea.
Which part scares me....honesy.....All of them do .. I know, sad.
I pretty much busted an emotional affair in the beginning but she still denies it even when I had proof from app on her phone. When I called her out on it is when she started getting real bad. Not certain it ever went physical, but now with all these "nights out" lately....it is very possible.
As of 11 pm, I am at work and the babysitter is w my sleeping daughter.
Part of me loves her so much and wants her back no matter what.....another part wants me to just drop her completely like a bad habit. My daughter is at such a delicate stage, this could be devastating and have a horrible life long effect.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
i'm planning on going out tomorrow. supposed to meet my buddy and his fiance out for a couple drinks and my cousin's daughter invited me over for a drink with her and her hubby. my nephew is working at a bar that has a very popular local band playing and wants me to stop in. i have a few issues. part of me feels "i'm a father and i'm married having severe marital problems, i shouldn't be out partying!" the other part of me wants to go out and have the best time and post it on facebook so she knows that I can do it to....but that would be stooping to her levl.
the downfall, is when I drink....it amplifies my depressed and sad feelings eventually. at first, it feels ok...i loosen up and have fun. try to meet new people (playing pool or something)...but as i'm getting later....I start seeing couples everywhere , either they came together or they are hooking up, having so much fun and I start thinking about how my wife and I used to be like that. then I start separating myself and eventually leave and go home to cry my heart out. I even catch myself eyeing up other women....and that makes me feel EXTREMELY guilty!!!
I have went to the movies...but usually go by myself....that's a blast... (sarcasm)
I've just invested so much into my family and home that I neglected making new friends and ll of my old ones have their own families and jobs and interests.
like I said earlier, I'm reading no mor mister nice guy and I have to admit...it's disturbing! I almost feel like the book was written about me! that scares me even more
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
If you and your W love your D, and you don't let your relationship (even if a BigD happens) turn nasty, she will be fine. I've wrestled with the same thing with my D2. But I think that as the LBS, one thing we do have quite a bit of control over is the "radioactivity" of our R, assuming one didn't abuse their WAS during M. If we are willing to let go of anger and resentment, we give us and our WAS's a great chance to have a respectful relationship, if the M doesn't work. Then we can coparent well, and give our children a great chance to thrive.
I also understand the wresting between wanting to "love her or leave her". But that is a dichotomy of which neither end will work. If you obsess about your love for her, you will never detach, will remain miserable, you'll violate Sandi's 37 rules and most of DBing, in general. If you make some grand statement to leave her while you're in this state of mind, you will inevitably regret that, probably within a day or two of doing so. What you really need to strive for is detachment and independent happiness. It is there waiting for you, but it will take a lot of time, patience and work to get there. But once you do, you will be able to be patient, calm, clearheaded, and still in love. Just not an obsessed love that causes you to burn from the inside out while she does not reciprocate.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
