Navigating in Separation Limbo

[1foot2]

The easiest 180 to do is to detach yourself from situations where you need W to give you some kind of affection. Early after BD, I was a wreck, trying to talk to W all the time, desperate for any sign in her words, staying physically near her. She would often ask if I wanted a hug, and saying that I looked like I needed consoling. Once I completely removed myself from that, every day life got MUCH easier, and she noticed right away.

[Ikymk99]

I finally received DR on Friday, been reading it every chance I get. Soaking it all in and trying to stick on it as much as humanly possible.

Another frustrating Sunday (yesterday). I took my S's to my dad's for the weekend. Had a good time. W finally got some alone time she'd been wanting and not getting.
We arrived home around noon to drop the boys off. We had a nice, calm visit initially. Exchanged our weekend stories, what we did, what she did. Talked about her family, my family, stuff around the house, etc.. Even took our annual family photo in the front yard. Then she started into the M/R discussion, which I've tried calmly and firmly to avoid, and her belief that "all is lost" and she sees "no hope" for the M. How she has been "looking into all possible scenarios" for the outcome of this separation (i.e. divorce laws in our state and all the red tape that entails). I reacted calmly and stated that I'm sticking with the original plan of "not discussing M/R matters until the scheduled time we both had agreed upon." I stated that my goals have not changed and I will not give up on us, even though she's expressed repeatedly that her view is one that is opposite of mine and sees no remedy to our M/R. This frustrated me and I told her (calmly) I was going. This seemed not to phase her. I can't seem to steer the convo away from all her negative M/R talk. It is all discouraging every time she expresses her hopelessness concerning our M/R. She maintains she still wants to be "friends" and still have a "family" type lifestyle (cake-eating, I believe they refer to it as), just doesn't want to be married to me.
I won't give up, it means too much to me. I just hope she can see out of her negative tunnel she seems to be stuck in.

[Ikymk99]

Oh, I almost forgot- I don't know if this qualifies as an 180: I am a incurable baseball fan and my team was playing in the first game of their playoffs last Thursday evening. Usually I would sit at home and listen on the radio, because we do not have cable/satellite. The buddy I have been staying with doesn't have either as well. So I went to the small town near his farm and watched it at the local tavern. Every evening, the spouse that is away from home, will call to wish the boys a good night. That night when I called, she asked how my day/night went, as we always do. I mentioned that I went to the local tavern, ALONE, and watched the game. Her reply was one of astonishment. As that is sooo out of my character (I loathe the bar scene...most of the time anyway.). I don't know for sure if this had any impact on her or not. All I know is that I did something out of my comfort zone and actually enjoyed it. Any thoughts DBers?

Peace!

[MrBond]

"Oh, I almost forgot- I don't know if this qualifies as an 180:"

I don't think you understand what the difference is between a 180 and just GAL. What you did was just GAL. It's not a 180 in terms of relationship behavior.

Did you read the books?

[Ikymk99]

MrBond,
Thanks for the reply.
Just received DR last Friday. Been reading it every chance I can (I'm suppose to be working now).
After several weeks of reading this forum, I think I know the difference between GAL and 180, but I may be wrong.
My point was: Since going to a bar, by myself, was so out of my character and not who I am (or was), did that qualify as an 180? Or is GAL? Or both?

Thanks again,

IKYMK99

[MrBond]

It's still GAL. 180s are changes in behaviors to things that your WAS didn't like. So if your W didn't like you not helping around the house, a 180 would be to clean the house.

[Ikymk99]

It seems that I only write about my Sundays. That is the day we have our planned "family time", but the past two have been pretty much her and I hanging out while the boys do their own thing (weather was the issue this past Sunday). This past Sunday I got home from church with the boys and just spent time with them until she arrived. She rolled in a little after 3pm. She didn't look well. I asked how her evening went (she always goes out on Saturday nights with the same single girlfriends to the same bar). She said she got way too drunk and fell over some speakers while dancing. I asked if she was fine. Didn't get judgemental or anything, just sort of smiled and kept my cool. Then she mentioned that she slow danced with a guy. Again, I kept my composure and tried not to let any emotions of jealousy or anger take over. She then disclosed other details of her evening (the ones she could remember anyways). Through it all I kept a mode of detatchment and one of an interested friend. This behavior had been a frequent argument of ours, but I chose to just listen and laugh at the appropriate times. This seemed to help with all the flourish of emotions that kept nagging at me to say something judgemental or hurtful.
She stayed the evening at her mom's. Her mom has been dealing with alot of stress as well with her parents (W's grandparents). And it is taking its toll on her, that and the issues that me and my W are having is adding more stress to her life. My MIL is a good woman and I am grateful that she and my W have eachother vent and lean on while we're going through this S.
Then the convo turned to R/M. I tried to avoid it. But her attitude was one I couldn't ignore. She was crying and expressed that she wished things were "good again" and that she "doesn't know what to do". It was hard to ignore, so I validated her and listened as she expressed her feelings. Then after about three minutes of silence, she put her head on my shoulder and slung her arm around me. This initially made me very happy and grateful, for this was the first REAL physical connection we've had in months. I just held her and reassured her that things were going to be okay. We spent the rest of the day on the couch while she snuggled up to me. When it was time for me to go to my buddy's, she asked if I'd like to stay the night. I said, "Of course.". But she empasized that "No sex." was going to be had, which I didn't expect there to be, I was just stoked that she wanted my to stay. I knew she needed me. When it came time for bed, I was reaching for my pillow and was ready to head to the couch when she told me she wanted to sleep in our bed together! This totally made my night. We went to bed. I didn't sleep much. I just kept thanking God and relishing the moment. In the morning, we hugged for a long time before I got up to get ready to leave for work. Before I left the house, she came to the door, hugged me again, and told me "Thank you for staying. I love you.". I said, "My pleasure. I love you." then left.
All day I was in a good mood, but I know her mood is a roller coaster and I didn't let it get to my head, but still, it made me hopeful again since she had expressed that she had "no hope" for our M just a week prior.
Last night, at my buddy's, we were getting ready to go to our respected rooms for the night when my phone alerted me of a text. Not expecting it to be the W, I looked, I was shocked to see it was her, especially since it was almost 11pm and she goes to bed at 8:30pm. She said she "Couldn't Sleep." I texted her that I couldn't last night because I was stoked to be in our bed together again. She replied that she wished I was "here and we would be good again, was nice to be with you yesterday." She then said we could "spend a couple nights together a week and see how that goes? I don't like you not being here, but don't want to go all in and f*** it up worse." I agreed. She told me she loved me again and said good night.
I was/am excited, but cautious at the same time. I don't want to ruin or miss this opportunity. Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated. All of you are awesome and I value your input highly.

Thank you and Peace

[Ikymk99]

She texted again last night. Wanted us both to make a list of what we want the other to "do or not do" in reference to our R/M/Sitch. I don't know really what to make of this, we've pummeled this subject into the ground countless times.

My question to all of you is: Do I consider making said list or just let it go and see if she continues to push the matter? Such a mind****.

[bravo61]

if you do make a list, don't point out things she should do. concentrate on expectations you have for yourself. if she sees you are committed to improving yourself, i can't help but believe she follow suit on herself and that would lead her to be more introspective into her issues. if you must list things, concentrate on positive things you would like to continue. this is a chance (if you decide its best) to improve communication skills. just my two cents.

[Ikymk99]

Okay, thank you, bravo, for the good input. That's a nice place to start, with steering things to the positive.
I've been hashing this over and over this week. I have listed a number of things:

Do's for W
-be more patient
-be more/focus on positive
-take time to yourself and relax
-have hope for our R/M
-try to have healthier lifestyle
-think about getting professional help w/depression & drinking
-spend time together

Don'ts for W
-let job stress determine your mood
-sweat the small stuff
-try to control everything
-give up on M
-drink to excess
-be in such a rush the majority of the time
-lose your real identity
-take everything seriously

If any or all of these seem too pushy or negative, I'd like to know. Or if anybody has any suggestions, I'd love to read them.

Thank you

[/b][b]