WAH - chapter 5 LisaB

[gan]

No weirdness sounds pretty good to me, Lisa!

I say give it some time. Roll with it. Let things evolve… If you did jump to it at this stage it would probably be a mistake anyways.

See how it goes in a few days (and take your sexy self).

[Georgiabelle]

Lisa,

I'm glad to hear you you had a pleasant dinner with your h. No weirdness is a good thing .

I'm no expert, however to discuss the spark thing then I will just toss out what I think. I do think that *rush* you feel for he first 18-24 months of a R is biochemical. It just naturally wears off. Doesn't mean you you aren't still attracted to them (just changes) , but to a depressed person they are desperately trying to feel better. The rush of an A gives them that feeling they are trying to recapture. Maybe the A ends or maybe it doesn't. However, that rush will wear off as well. If I remember correctly, your h ended things with OW? He may still be seeking that *rush* and while he does love you deep inside, you may represent (right now) his sadness. Keep focusing on you.

Hang in there! You are doing awesome.

[LisaB]

Thanks Georgiabelle, Ganb8te and Little for your thoughts!

A few positives I can see from the dinner:
- he put a lot of effort into making a nice dinner, getting my favorite drinks, playing music and lighting candles (it was at his house)
- he avoided talk about dating because he knows I don't like it
- he asked questions about specific GAL/180 things I have been doing
- it was a positive interaction that we could build on, rather than a tense and weird interaction as we have had many times previously
- he seems to be less "foggy", the life decisions he discussed are not so wacky as they have been, he seems more normal

When I think back to when we first met, I can't really remember how he showed that he was attracted to me. I think he may have said it rather than making a physical gesture. I am a very physical and affectionate person with everyone, and so I think I may have been the one to make the first physical moves. I can't recall.

But this makes me wonder if he is just behaving as usual and I am taking his lack of physicality as a lack of attraction. I honestly don't know.

We have plans to meet again in a few days. While I do not want to pursue, push or anything like that, I may test him in some way by touching him or getting close to him in a casual way to see how he reacts.

Oh and Ganb8te, I agree it's too soon. I honestly have no interest in being physical with him now. I fear the STDs and I am not even sure I am attracted to him. (he looks awful)

Georgiabelle, you are always an excellent voice of reason. I know exactly what you mean about the rush. And yes, he had that with OW and I believe still has those feelings for her even though I think their relationship is over (by her choice). So any boring old loving feelings with me will pale in comparison.

Thanks again ladies!

Hugs, Lisa

[Little]

Good luck, Lisa. I'm jealous (in a good, rooting for you way!) that you get dinners with your H! Make us proud and DB the snot out of this!

[LisaB]

Hi friends, I just had some interesting thoughts and I'm wondering if you have opinions, ideas or feedback.

If you have followed my story you might already know that my H and I had a very pleasant relationship before BD. There was not fighting nor obvious problems. In hindsight I see there were issues with conflict avoidance and things I contributed to make the relationship less than ideal. Then he became emotionally involved with his sexy coworker and ran off for greener pastures with her.

For many years he constantly marveled at how easy our relationship was. He used to say how happy he was that we never fought and say how sorry he felt for others who always argued with their spouse. We were kind and nice to each other, always kissing and hugging and being loving and supportive.

After BD I found out that he felt that our nice relationship was boring and basically said I was "too nice and easygoing". He claimed that he was looking for a "difficult" girl, one who would offer up a challenge.

Fast forward to now. OW rejected him, and the difficult girls are proving elusive. I have been distant and appear to be moving on, however I have mostly been open and friendly to him when he initiates contact.

We have started being more friendly with each other, texting more, talking more, meeting up more often. But I find it somewhat flat, and feel a lack of attraction and flirting.

I was thinking about it and remembered the above. The fact that he claims to crave something difficult and challenging, and says that I am too easy going. I think my relaxed and happy personality is a GREAT thing but perhaps it does hinder me when it comes to relationships. Maybe I seem too easy and not enough of a challenge to attract and please...

Does anyone have ideas about how to be a challenge without being an ass? Am I doing the right things already or do I need to do something else?

Here are the things I do that I think make me seem a challenge or interesting:
- I don't contact him first
- I don't tell him everything I do
- I am busy and active and not always available to meet or talk
- I try to look good
- I seem happy and confident
- I don't tell him I miss him or that I am sad

I honestly don't know how to be less easy? Do I have to talk about how I am dating other guys? Do I have to be rude? The girls he describes as challenging are usually those who are flirtatious and that he knows are openly dating many guys. Is that what he finds interesting?

Any advice?

[Maybell]

Why don't you challenge yourself more? Try some activities out of your comfort zone, like a trip, an exotic cuisine, an outfit you'd normally think is "out there," a foreign film, whatever. Explore life a little bit more. See what that does for your sex appeal.

[LisaB]

Hi Maybell, I like that idea! I've been trying to do exactly that with my GAL activities. Too bad my taste is already very exotic, but I'll try to go even further outside the box! Thanks for the suggestion!

[Mozza]

LisaB - Thanks a lot for this recap of your sitch. It sounds like you're not in a bad place, actually. It's nice to know that your H is available and in touch with you. I think you're on the right path with your efforts to be more challenging and interesting.

As a man, I'm trying to think what would work on me. I wouldn't have phrased it that way, but I'm a little like your husband in that I like a woman's who's a challenge, who's just a notch above my league, who might get away if I don't up my game. I like when they keep a high bar: laugh only at the good jokes, appreciate only the good questions, etc. They have integrity so they won't compromise just to please me.

Actually, why don't you think of how you'd act if you weren't interested in your H? Perhaps think of another man who's shown interest in you even if you were not interested. How would you act with him? I bet you were a challenge.

[Maybell]

Nice advice, Mozzarella, every word.

[Maybell]

Stinking auto correct!!