I just don't know how I'm supposed to wait for someone to realize they can't have what they're asking.
The thing that is hitting me really hard is that the way he feels right now is precisely how I felt two years ago and TOLD HIM and he did NOTHING. NOTHING!!!!! I just shrugged and said, I don't know what to do.
I feel like his perspective is skewed. Is there no catharsis in working with someone to repair something? Will that not help him at all?! Sure, maybe not now but eventually? It would help me to be able to know that I can lean on him, rely on him, be vulnerable with him, build something strong with him. Is that not helpful to him? I know he doesn't trust it now, I get that but what about down the road?
I'm afraid, guys.
Im afraid that all the things he's going to say and do during this separation are going to make me hate him. I'm afraid that the separation, the part that's supposed to help us heal, is going to kill us. I can't pick up these pieces all alone.
I know he has healing to do. I get that. I don't want to take that away from him. I don't. I need that time, too. Lots of it.
Maybell, will he ever be want to give me something? Will he ever see marriage as a team effort?
I hurt so much. My heart just aches. My stomach hurts and I can't stop crying because how do you find common ground with expectations of a miracle?
I know precisely how you feel. I really do. The last time I blew up at my H 2 or 3 weeks ago, my having felt ready to walk a few years ago was one of the things I threw at him. So I really know a lot about how you feel.
Will he ever see marriage as a team effort? I have no idea. I don't know that for my sitch either. I hope so.
He did give you a lot of information about his state of mind, though. Somebody else better qualified will come and talk to you about the details. I will say: he has given you context for how friendly he's been, and he's given you more information than he may realize about where his head is.
Your current project now is to double down on the detaching and to find something wild & crazy to do to make you feel more like yourself. I wish we were allowed to post books that make good supplemental reading to DR, but find the ones that are self-help, not relationship books, and learn about detachment and boundaries. Get used to thinking of him as a distant cousin (I know how hard this is with shared finances and young child, but do your best).
Time is your best ally here. Somebody said enough time has to pass for them to forget what the old R was like. And maybe you (and I) do too. This afternoon I was thinking of something frustrating my H did that I hadn't yet mentioned. Now that I think about it... What's the point of that? It's just a barrier to a good R. If we reconcile and it's still important I can address it in the future.
Your sitch is much fresher than you realize. I wish I could rush it for you but it's best not to.
YOU WILL BE WELL. Believe it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.
If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you [censored]. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
He did give you a lot of information about his state of mind, though. Somebody else better qualified will come and talk to you about the details. I will say: he has given you context for how friendly he's been, and he's given you more information than he may realize about where his head is.
He did? I'm so in my own fog right now I don't see any context for how friendly he has been or any new information. I really need help interpreting because I can't think this out.
I know I need to let him go through this. I know it deep down but in that same place I am not good at letting go, at accepting. Maybe I need a book on acceptance. Frankly, I'm so tired of reading.
He even threw that at me. He said he wants someone who can be nice to him without having to read 10 self-help books and tons of therapy to do it. ouch. And then buttoned that up with "I'm just being honest"
I really have never felt this kind of pain before and I just want it to stop. I am short with my D because I can't get this off my mind. I'm back to not eating and I know that if I allow myself to slip into a depression I will likely not get out of it and what kind of mother would I be? I can't do that to D.
Just when I thought my heart couldn't break into any more pieces, it does. I'm not sure it can be repaired. How do I even start that?
He doesn't see that the things he's saying to me, the things he's doing to me are all things I've said to him and done to him which is precisely what he's complaining about.
Card, your quote from Sparky about the bad feelings lingering inside perhaps will be seen as something unhealed inside of him rather than something about me... He generally already realizes that but blames me for the unhealed part completely. He has already said that once he makes a decision, he's resolved to it and nothing can change his mind. I know that to be true. Can this not be an exception?
Maybell, I want to believe you that all will be well but I don't see how. I just don't. How can it ever be well?
I am only now realizing that I don't think I CAN be well. I honestly don't see how. Will I just have to live with the pain of regret for the rest of my life?
I've been at the end of my rope before. I really have but I've never been so far gone that I couldn't be talked into working on something with help and support. I guess I've never let myself get that far gone. He did. I hate him for that.
Is it the right time? I'm generally dark as it is. Should we not hang out as a family anymore? I can't make these decisions anymore. I don't know the right answers.
I wanted you to take comfort in the passage Card pulled out. That he's blaming you for his pain because you are there.
You really, truly will be well. Absolutely. You sparkle too beautifully not to be. You don't have to believe it this minute. I'll believe it for you.
But for tonight, give your girl some ice cream and then go have a big cry in a nice toasty bubble bath. You can think clearly another day.
No more analyzing! It was an extortion demand. He's unhappy and he wanted you to be his magic bullet. For today don't read anything more into it. Breathe and work through the feelings it brings up. Don't try to figure anything out than that.
Hugs, hugs, hugs.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain. But, and I speak as something who has been going through something fairly similar... Maybell is right. You WILL get through this and be ok.
My H and I haven't had a R talk in months, but the last time we did, he said, "I just don't see a married future for us." and "I realize now that I had been unhappy for even longer than I originally thought." Ok, then.
And yet, we get along quite well, he shares cute stories with me about our D, has been amenable to my requests for schedule changes, he even bought me an expensive gift recently (as a sort of apology). And still cannot bring himself to entertain the idea of R.
I went through what you are feeling. It's so surreal. How can they be SOOOO pessimistic and stubborn and unwilling to even TRY?
But they are. They just are. They have their OWN sh!t to work through.
When my H left me, sure, I can readily admit things were really bad. But NOW-- a year later? After I've learned so much and grown so much and given him SO MUCH space and remained pleasant and strong? He is a damn fool to remain so stubborn. Am I mad about that? Of course. Do I wish I could wave a magic wand and make him WANT to work on our R? Of course!
But I can only control me.
And so, I choose to hold my head up high. This is about HIM, much more than it's about ME. I will show my D my strength, my resilience, my ability to have compassion even for those who hurt me (and her), and model through my own changes that PEOPLE CAN CHANGE if they want to and work at it.
Yes, I would recommend pulling back from the family time, if you think that will help YOU detach. I'm now at a place where I don't think that much about him, or what he's thinking or doing (or with whom), especially when I don't see him. My triggers NOW are my D leaving to spend the night at his house, and thinking about/talking to his family or "our" friends. But he is mostly a colleague in the "D3-raising business" that we share. He's more like a colleague who I am cordial to, and at times have to work closely with and problem-solve with, but who doesn't know much about my personal life and vice versa. We are not "friends".
It's weird, and sometimes awkward and painful. But it's definitely do-able.
And has been the thing that has helped me move forward the most.
I am here for you (unfortunately for both of us!!) and so are many others who can empathize and relate. You are a great person and a great mom. You are NOT evil. You CAN work on whatever aspects of your being that you think will make you a better, stronger person. He's gonna do his own thing, in his own time.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my babbling, Maybell and Claire. Your collective and separate wisdom is an inspiration, especially right now.
I really need you to believe that I'll get through this, Maybell, because I just don't see it.
Claire, are they stubborn or self-righteous or just completely turned off like a machine inside? I'm not able to hold my head up high yet. I was there once but I've fallen down hard. I'm afraid to get up again. I don't want to fall again.
He already is a fool but I will work hard, somehow, to make him even more of one should he continue to not want to work on something that would make us both proud.
I know I'm not weak. I don't feel like I have the strength to carry this right now but I'm not weak. I do feel powerless. Completely control-less. Weren't we all told that hard work and dedication will get you what you want? It's just not true. It's just not.
Acceptance and resignation (not surrender) are two things I need to work on but I'm tired of working on me. I need uplifting. Strength. Something to look forward to. Consistency. I don't even know where to look for it.
I've been friend-like with him because that's where we started. He even said that the way we've been interacting reminds him of 1996 (when we met) and that we are probably best off being friends. Being cold or businesslike just gives him ammo. I don't want to be his friend.
He did say he'd be open to MC. Actually what he said was, "sure, I'll go to MC if you want. I guarantee that within the first two sessions you'll walk out because I'm going to be honest!".
At this point I don't know what MC could do for us. How do I know if I should go dark? If we should try MC? If I should just give up?
Nope, I would not go to MC. Not now, anyways. He is not ready to work on the R.
Re-read about the LRT. You have to communicate about your D, so you can't disappear completely, and going "dark" doesn't mean going "angry" or "surly" or even "non-emotional". IMO, you can still be "friendly" even while you remain detached.
As for how to get past these feelings? Well, of course you have these feelings. It is normal and natural to feel this way. Let yourself have them. Let them wash over you. I remember a turning point for me was, one night, I sobbed full throttle for like 2 hours. Full-body, loud, writhing, gut-wrenching sobs.
It was so cathartic, and after that I was ready to not feel so angry every time I saw him. I can't explain it. It just happened like that for me.
The other way to get past those feelings is to GAL. Reconnect with friends, find new friends, find new or old interests that you lost along the way. See the beauty in yourself and in the world around you. Read inspirational things. There is so much good everywhere. Positive THOUGHTS and ACTIONS leads to positive FEELINGS. So, think positive thoughts, and do positive things, and eventually, you will have more positive feelings. It really works!
And, don't hesitate to ask your doc about trying meds (temporarily, maybe) to get you through this roughest stage. I resisted meds for years and years. But now I am a believer, and can say that it's been a game-changer for me. Eventually I'd like to wean off, but that won't happen until I'm ready to sleep well, exercise more, and am much healthier in general. I'm not there yet, but I'm moving in the right direction and that's what matters most.
As for what he says? Eh, believe none of it, and only half of what he does. COMPLICATE HIS NARRATIVE. You can do this.
