May I translate what you just said when you said "My wife knows that I have unconditional love for her, it's just not been the kind of love she needs. The kind of love that should be filling her love tank."
Translation:
"I am completely aware that I am not displaying love the way my wife needs it. This is not because I do not love my wife. I do love my wife very much. I love her more than she will ever know. I guarantee this because I will not express it in a forum that she is comfortable in. However, this is not as important to me as continuing to display love in a manner that suits my comfort. It is my hope that someday my wife will understand me and my needs to the point that she can be fulfilled by the type of loving expressions that make me comfortable. In the meantime, I will be surprised when other men meet her emotional needs."
IDK, Cadet, it was just so large I didn't want it to get lost in the meaningless blogging/journaling that I do, I guess.
I got a string of texts this morning starting about 3:45 or so from the W. Just waffling back and forth on: "hey I'll take the girls today" and "they can spend the night this night", then retracting it then not... We've been here before almost 6 weeks ago when she texted early in the morning that she loves me and misses me and wished she was perfect and wished that she never made mistakes. (God, how I'd give anything to be back in that place and time) Then later this morning she calls and still can't make up her mind. I don't think she's been sleeping much. Wish I knew what to do or say. I know I need to pull back more than ever. Its the advice I get and the advice I give. It still sounds counter productive some days. I didn't sleep worth crap last night, either. Mind a mess with worry, guilt, heartbreak, and grief. Thank God I went to bed early to try and offset the sleepless hours.
I sit and have useless, unproductive thought like wondering what she's doing and why she's doing it and if she misses us as much as we miss her. Did I pave the road back home smooth enough, did I remember to leave the light on. Does she know I forgive her and none of this at this point is so bad we can't pick up the pieces and move on?
Then I remember aliens took my wife away 3 months ago.
Just having a tearful morning, sorry people.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Well, wife just informed me that she gave her 2 weeks notice at the church where she works part time. presumably because they are putting pressure on her to reconcile the marriage and she's not going to have ANYONE tell her what to do right now.
I replied: OK, whatever you think is best. She replied back: Right now it seems best. I can't tell the future I wish I could.
Whatever that means.
She fought so hard to get that job and for the first time in many years she was actually happy with her job. Makes me sad and concerned. Nobody left in her circle now that in OUR corner.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I am sorry to hear that Jefe. This process is so tough. The only explanation is that we need to view this as a drug addict who will make some very poor decisions before, if at all, stopping the addiction.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I've found that with my H - that he has pulled away from people who are supportive of our marriage and think his AR will be a disaster for him. I guess it is hard to be around people who are telling you things you don't want to hear whilst you are in "affair-land."
You sound very empathetic towards your W - I feel the same way (to a degree) with my H. But people have really encouraged me to balance this with what is okay and not okay for me. I couldn't say that I love him unconditionally. Because my continued love depends on him being fully committed to our M again, and ending the AR. I won't love him no matter what.
Sorry you aren't having a good day. Hope tomorrow is a better one. Often good follows bad I have found.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I really dislike how long it takes my posts to show up. Sorry about this Jefe. How long do people stay on monitoring status? It's been months.
Anyways, I am sorry to learn your wife has given her two weeks notice at the church. I felt her job at the church was a very positive thing for your marriage. It kept her connected to people with similar values.
You say her notice was given "presumably because they are putting pressure on her to reconcile the marriage and she's not going to have ANYONE tell her what to do right now."
Does this mean there is a possibility she might be able to keep her job if you became her knight in shining armor and fought for her?
Would she mind if you tried to fight for her job? By that I mean is this something she would appreciate you doing for her? Because this might be something in your control...if she wants it.
You could go to the Church and ask them to reconsider keeping your wife. You can be completely honest about the status of your marriage. She is estranged and you want to reconcile. You can tell them that you believe your marriage has a stronger chance of success if your wife works in a Christian environment with like-minded believers than in a secular environment where divorce is a normal behavior.
The worst thing they can say is no and no one is worse off. But if they say yes...then you just slayed a dragon for your wife.
I'll just chime in to say my wife has done the same thing. She's cut off everyone from her "former" life except for her parents. She's apparently embarrassed that she's divorcing me, but she'd rather just not face her old friends than do the right thing and end her affair. The fog is a perplexing thing. I wish there was some way to break through it.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
My .02 on the topic .... My wife has really no one in her corner telling her the A was good ... I am under the impression its over and now she is working on her and I think in a stubborn way going to prove she can just be "alone" in the eys of everyone while secretly using me when she needs .. something I need to boundary up.
But when there is so many people in w WAS life not supporting the A , or even telling them they are wrong .. I think they are just out to prove a point vs really thinking about it ... seems that pride really gets inflated here along with stubbornness making the journey that much longer. That fog man ... that fog.
In the 2-3 weeks since I have found this site I have quit calling and texting her unless it is an absolute necessity having to do with kids, money or the cars and when I do it's very brief. I'm actually to the point where I don't really WANT to talk to her because nothing good seems to come from it. Seeing as how just this past Sat she sent the divorce texts that I posted a page or 2 back. Yet, she has found some stupid reason or another to call or text me. No 3 am texts today but she did call to see how it went with the kids this morning. She has never wondered before since the S. and several texts today asking how my grandmother is doing and other stuff.
I just want to look at her and ask, "What the he11 are we doing?!?"
Counter productive, I know.
The fog sux, Limbo sux.
Last edited by Jefe; 10/16/1403:50 PM.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
