I spent some time today looking up flood of emotion and it really resonated...
...I also read that something as simple as tapping myself on the shoulder might help me work through this. It was interesting stuff.
Good that means you are making real progress in becoming a better you!
Keep the good work. By the time you get through this you will be an expert on interpersonal relationships. At that point you will need to give back and help others who are struggling.
I would like to offer one other suggestion for you. Visualize what you want to happen. If you want to get together with someone, visualize it in you mind. Imagine your 50th wedding anniversary party. Imagine a second honeymoon. Imagine you in a loving relationship where you give and receive unconditional love. Many studies show that visualization allows your subconscious to help you accomplish real things.
Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Visualising is the easy bit. I've always known that I wanted to grow old and while away hours with my W in a loving affectionate relationship. She is all I ever wanted.
Right now though she is visualising an escape from me and us desperate to have a new relationship. She wants to feel loved which is something I used to be good at before the hurt and the distance grew. Now all she can see of me us hurt and resentment and that everything I do is an attempt to control.
This post got quite negative sorry. Trying a more active tone
Visualising the relationship I want makes me sad at what I've lost. Instead I need to visualise the kind of me that I want to be and that would be worthy of that kind of relationship.
Its a shame I can't ask her to just seek out new relationships for a while and for us to really try and fix the problems together - we owe our kids that at least. But if she has no love for me at all and in fact mostly contempt then I can understand why she would not see the point.
Melancholy today I think
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim, while at first my reaction to W's A was white hot rage, it ultimately helped me to detach. I still go up and down, don't get me wrong. But I am really looking forward to her moving out, now. For us to heal, and if we ever can be married again, she has to find her way back to me.
Have you considered initiating a real separation? The sooner she experiences single parenting and life on her own, the more likely it seems that she would be pressed to acknowledge that it wasn't just you who is responsible for the demise of the marriage. Furthermore, your GAL and 180s and PMA will be on display in a more controlled way, as you can prepare mentally for each interaction rather than trying to sustain a constant show of "The Amazing Jim"
That's just my .02, and may not apply. But it's worth a thought.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Cheers shakespr. And thankyou for keeping with my thread I find it a real source of support.
I have to say i keep thinking that getting the separation sooner might be a good thing for my sanity and that the space might help her to see I wasn't all bad.
Its hard to keep up the PMA when she comes and lays on my bed every morning. Hard to hide the longing. Still I'm out every night I don't have the kids so that helps and have a weekend with good friends to look forward to.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
So my IC told me to keep writing but not sending letters if it helps me to process my feelings which it does. Today's was very much one of where I am now on this.
I thought I'd post it - not really sure why though. Maybe hoping for some insight (feel free to ignore)
My beautiful W.......
There have been so many things I have wanted to say to you for so long only I was afraid as to what it might mean for us. In hiding from them I allowed my worst fear, you leaving, to come to reality.
When we were good we were so very happy together and even as we had difficulties I continued to love you with all of my heart.
A succession of problems has led us down this dark and unpleasant path and I know full well that I bear the majority of the blame. I desperately did not want this to happen, so much so that I allowed myself to be blind to all the obvious signs that you were disengaging from our relationship and that my actions were only pushing you away faster.
I felt so alone at times with the distance between us, a distance which was initially caused by the stress associated with becoming new parents but then widened by a series of events and poor choices. This distance weakened the connection we had and made it all the more difficult when new problems and stresses came along. I don’t know when you stopped engaging in our relationship though I sense it was when your dad died, my actions hurt you and your grief meant you did not have the love to give and forgive. At that critical time I simply did not do what I needed to for you in order to keep our love alive. Until now I did not fully understand the depths that sadness can take you to and the impact this has. I am so very sorry.
Over time this disengagement turned to frustration and resentment on both sides, which in turn created more frustration and more resentment, worsening the situation until you no longer wanted this. Let me be clear, I did not want our marriage to continue as it was either but neither did I want it to end. We both knew it needed to improve but neither of us found a way to talk to the other in a way that made us connect and really listen.
You have chosen to leave rather than see if we can get back what we once had and although I wish it were different, I respect that. It cannot have been an easy decision and after the heartache and disappointment and unpleasantness you have endured I can understand why you have reached that conclusion.
It is through this end that I have finally listened to what you were saying. I have finally heard what you tried to tell me was happening and I finally understand how wrong my reactions and the way I treated you were. I hope that you can understand that this came from the hurt, rejection and loneliness that I too was feeling and that underneath it all I loved you completely.
I have and will continue to learn from this. I struggled for the first months of parenting but then I chose that I would be the best Dad I can, I’m not there yet but I have a relationship with our children of which I’m proud. In the same way I am now choosing to make myself into the best man I can be and that I will not repeat any of the mistakes I have made – so that the person I share my life with will always know that I love them and that I am there for them and that I will face our problems in the best way I can.
I know no amount of rationalising or promises of change will be enough to undo the hurt and the suffering that has led you to this. But I also know that our best is spectacular and that whenever we have decided to tackle a problem together we are an amazing team. We have drifted a long way and the road back won’t be easy but this is a problem that I still believe can be tackled if we are prepared to try.
You have always known that my dream is to spend a lifetime creating loving memories with you, sharing experiences with you and passing all this and more onto our children, our grandchildren and our great grandchildren. To be that old couple who have seen it all and yet still find the smallest things funny, to be sat aged 80 feeding the ducks and talking of our trip to Patagonia.
This is the future that I want and I believe that somewhere deep down, hidden by the layers of hurt I have caused you it is also the future that you wanted. It is a future we can still have if we can find a way to forgive, to make the changes we must and work together to build a new better relationship filled with love and understanding.
If you can see your way to wanting this future again then you know where to find me, if you can’t then I wish you well for whatever future you choose.
All my love
J.....
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I definitely need to do better on detaching and getting my head straight.
Those two things are NOT mutually exclusive.
Seriously, keep creating space between yourself and the situation. I would be doing more of that myself right now but too many things are happening. Gotta move my D21 out of the house this weekend, followed by an out of town trip with kids next weekend while W moves out.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
So my IC told me to keep writing but not sending letters if it helps me to process my feelings.....
Have you ever read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy?" I would first focus on MWD's DB book. But after you have mastered that, you might really want to read NMMNG, as your letter sounds like a perfect NG, which is NOT something most women find attractive. Stop being a NG is not about becoming a jerk, it is about becoming an integrated man who is confident, interesting and a leader. It is no longer being a doormat that bargins for love or tries to make covert contracts where if I do X for you, you will then love me. This is partly why GAL is so very important in changing your relationship with your spouse.
Good luck (and don't send that (or say anything) you have written to her).
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
W has found a place to move to so I expect she will be here another 6 weeks or so. I expect to get the Divorce papers the next day and am quite worried about what she will say in there. So looks like we will be fully done by Christmas. It feels like the right thing to do is to make this quick and easy as anything else will just increase her already substantial resentment.
Working my way through a big stack of reading. DB was first though I think I'll need to reread it. NMMNG arrived today so that's next unless DR or 5LL ever show up.
Was doing OK in front of W until I had a row with her in front of MIL and our kids. It started because she told me about the house and I got upset. it quickly descended - not helped by the fact MIL told me to move on which led to me blurting out about OM. If I'd managed 5 steps forward through good conversation this was about 5000 steps back.
Full covert hostility back from W after a slight easing with many more statements making it clear that its over and she hates me.
D3 said today (after i told her off for hitting her brother) that she 'wished I would just leave and never come back' that really hurt because it came from her and its not even close to the normal things she says. She is clearly hurting with all this as well.
So my head is all over the place looking for a way to make it all ok, as it always is. The emptiness is making it difficult to be positive. Really struggle to get past the 'why didn't she say something sooner?' Question and all the if onlys
The right music helps so I'm going to spend some time making a playlist that makes me feel good.
I'm busy but not really sure its GALg. Still my eating is getting more back to normal.
This is harder than I ever would have imagined. So much respect to those of you who have stuck it out and made it work for you
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
