Thanks Starksy. I will tell you that I am having a pretty cr*ppy day. My chest hurts, my heart is aching. Uggh. I feel my marriage falling a part and there is nothing that I can do about it. I want to work on it but It does not matter what I want. My W has to want it as well. This really s*cks.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I feel you, brother. Why not just Be Still. Try 25yrs logic for a little while and let God work in this. There's always time after that to follow a more aggressive Starsky plan or you can go scorched earth. Whatever you choose, being still right now won't cost you much.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
What put me in the dumps is a convo I had with my W yesterday. She reiterated that she has no feelings for me and is waiting for those feelings to come back before she wants to commit to working on our M. At the same time, she does not want to D (yet) because she knows that is a huge decision that will impact our kids. In her words, limbo seems like the best option for now. Of course, I know that her A is what is potentially blocking any feelings from coming back. But she still refuses to acknowledge it.
I told her that limbo does not work for me and that we both clearly have a lot to think about...
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Believe none of what she says. My W says the same- waiting for the 'switch' to go off inside her. For all you know, those feelings may be starting to come back, but she doesn't want to admit it to you? Or maybe she doesn't trust those feelings just yet? Endless possibilities.
I truly believe the old truth of "Love is a decision." It is a commitment that the two of you make, to each other and to the marriage, that says "we are exclusive, we are monogamous, we are going to work on this, til death do us part." FEELINGS on the other hand, do take awhile to return. They can take a LONG while to FULLY return. I stress this because often times (and usually, it's a wayward WOMAN, not a wayward man who expresses this) a wayward spouse will say "But I've lost my feelings for you," or "I don't love you anymore," or often "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" (which is completely a FEELINGS statement). My wife expressed the same fears to me: "If I end my affair and come back and work on the marriage with you, I don't think my feelings for you are ever going to come back." To which I replied "I'm not asking for you to guarantee anything about how you will FEEL; I'm asking you to make a DECISION to rejoin me in this marriage, and to work on it for some set period of time that we both can agree on -- say, one year. If at that time either one of us don't feel like this is working out, then at least we will know that we gave it our best shot."
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Yeah .. I was in that same pickle ...W told me she things like .. I am not sure this is the relationship I want, I dont want to hurt you but I don't feel about you that way, bla bla bla ..... I simply replied .. well ofcourse you don't, you are pouring all those feelings into another man. I later told her how disrespectful it was .. 24 years is not a fluke nor an accident. I took my portion of the blame but also shot a few truth darts of my own. So I completely agree, she will not feel anything until option "B" has ran its course, unfortunately none of us truly wants to stand aside and wait for that.
I heard a sermon by a pastor who said Love is a choice, in fact he claimed he could stick any 2 people together and if they decided to love each other it would work ... its when resentmet creeps in and we decide not to love, that starts to be replace with resentment. The history my wife and I created .. not all wonderful, but not all horrible either means something, the A they are in ... was founded on lies, untruths, and deceptive tactics. That's not a solid foundation....it will crumble .. question is .. WHEN.
I heard a sermon by a pastor who said Love is a choice, in fact he claimed he could stick any 2 people together and if they decided to love each other it would work ... its when resentmet creeps in and we decide not to love, that starts to be replace with resentment. The history my wife and I created .. not all wonderful, but not all horrible either means something, the A they are in ... was founded on lies, untruths, and deceptive tactics. That's not a solid foundation....it will crumble .. question is .. WHEN.
Thats going in my saved pile right there. ^^^ = truth, right there.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Agree on all fronts. The only path is to detach. I want to have patience and not pull the trigger on a D because perhaps waiting for a bit would have gotten her to stopping the A on her own.
What is annoying is that the A is the obstacle to success, although my W has said that she has been unhappy for years and her relationship with the OM (again, not an affair in her mind, they are just friends) has nothing to do with it. I of course know it is impacting us and our future.
I just need to back off and stop talking about it. Stop thinking about it.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
What put me in the dumps is a convo I had with my W yesterday. She reiterated that she has no feelings for me and is waiting for those feelings to come back before she wants to commit to working on our M.
Starsky,sorry to hijack thread. What do you do if om is out of picture. WAw has made a big effort on her mother duties.last weekend she told me A was over. She said I didn't trust her. Hard to trust her when I saw her car in his garage 10 weeks ago. She said she hasn't talked to her attorney since she filled late July. She tells me she doesn't have feelings for me. I feel frustrated and this D process will or could be slow. I just can't be the one to wreck family
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
