Your anger and self-righteous indignation is oozing out of your post from every orifice imaginable. I could easily put my finger on the screen and wipe it off.
I do feel for you. We all get it, buddy.
Originally Posted By: dawgy
I will defintely take son to IC after he finds out what a disappointment his mother turned out to be . When he finds out she s been running around like a tramp cheating on his father and spending time and money on the man who is helping her tear apart our family.
This is incredibly judgmental. And it comes out as if you are really wanting your own son to see what a "bad" woman your wife is....so it will all make you look better in your son's eyes? To what end do you hope to achieve by taking this stance?
In my view, you are holding on to a ton of resentment and keeping a scorecard that isn't helping your case at all. Why not work on forgiveness and learn to let go of that pain. It is only HURTING you...it is slowly poisoning your thought process.
Originally Posted By: dawgy
Remember how this got started??? She has been cheating on her family in case any of you forgot that point .
A gentle reminder that you're preaching to the choir here. We all are the LBSes with WASes who are in affairs. Many of us have come out of this awful crucible with stronger marriages. It can be done and it has been done. If you follow DBing principles laid out here. You're tooo angry with your sense of pride being bruised badly. I get that!!! Totally.
Originally Posted By: dawgy
Shame on her for harming her own flesh and blood . But she was given a fair amount of time to make things right and was tooo dam selfish and only concerned with her so called happiness . Well we will see how happy she will be out of her home , paying child support to two young men that wont be able to look her in the eye . Dam ... What a tradgedy Dawgy
I find that this type of finger wagging is a form of deflection to avoid looking into your contribution to the M's demise. You had a role in this: 50%. Yep. You.
Man up...and start owning up to your part in this situation. You're too busy walking around crying "I've been so wronged that W MUST pay!!!" that you are really overlooking your part in all of this.
Slow down. Your anger is really clouding your rational thought process.
Why don't you get away for a while and go out in nature for some reflection & introspection.
Lose the scorecard, Dawgy.
Bond stood for his wife for THREE LONG YEARS...and he's now happily reconciled with his whole family intact.
Do you love your wife enough to set aside your pride and work through this? It's up to you.
I would like to give some advice, But sadly I think Dawgy needs to hit rock bottom himself before he will be receptive. I can relate to the anger .. I too had it and then some ... took being alone in a rented room and finding God to help release it and realize I was just as much to blame for my broken M as she was
"Mr Bond I will defintely take son to IC after he finds out what a disappointment his mother turned out to be ."
Nice way to portray your W.
"When he finds out she s been running around like a tramp cheating on his father and spending time and money on the man who is helping her tear apart our family ."
Nice again.
"And as for an apology to Maybell . Not a chance . i have nothing to apologize to her for . She labelled me with a complete one sided view making me out to be the bad person totally exempting the W of any responsibility ."
Actually no. She was calling you out on your bad behavior. This has nothing to do with you your W. It was your choice to beat the OM. Not your W's.
"Remember how this got started???"
Yeah. Both her AND you messed up in your M.
"She has been cheating on her family in case any of you forgot that point ."
Gee, as if that didn't occur to me.
Look, I get it. I had to deal with the same thing. In fact, worse than you, so don't go and act all self-righteous. Everyone here can see that the anger is consuming you. That's what everyone has been trying to encourage you to avoid.
But it's you choice. You can keep calling your W a b*tch, a h*, or whatever else you want. It makes you a worse person than she. You couldn't do it for her so she went to someone else. Go ahead and file.
Do you know how many people come back here on the boards after their first marriages didn't work out and their second ones sucked as well? Plenty. They all do the same thing you are doing right now. Holding onto anger and self-righteousness. You have a chance to change it.
But again, it's your choice. If you don't want to, then go ahead and tell your son that his mother is a whore and then file for a D. I mean after you had him help you beat up the OM (even if you didn't tell him to, that's what his impression is), you pretty much painted the picture of his mom being a slut. Wow. How would you like to think of YOUR mom as a slut? That's what you just did.
Congratulations! Time to find a new wife!
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hi Dawgy. You're going through a rough patch, that's for sure. I would take Wonka's advice and take a break - spend a day in nature. Read from the book Tao Te Ching (English translation by Stephen Mitchell) - it has a calming influence. And just realize the folks on this forum are all just trying to help you get through this. We all know it's not easy. I found talking to my IC helped me a lot - dealing with my emotions. Well worth the expense.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
dawgy, let me give you a little more insight into my in-laws. Not only did the anger tear up my MIL, but all of her hatred for my FIL eventually made my W somewhat bitter towards my MIL. She now has a better relationship with her dad (the one who cheated and left) than she does with her mom. I'm sure their M fell apart with equal blame up until he cheated. He (and your W) were wrong for pursuing an A while still married, but they also both feel/felt justified in their actions at SOME point. My FIL probably had many chances to place blame on MIL in front of my W, but he never did. Meanwhile, MIL harbored that hate and never missed a chance to take a jab at FIL. For the first few years, my W was probably like your S, on the LBS's side 100%. But move 10 years down the road, the pain from the A fades quite a bit in the child, yet they still see the bitterness of the LBS. It hit home with my W one night on my FIL's 60th bday. His two D's and his two sS's (along with me) surprised him for dinner (everyone was from out of town). It was a truly magical evening. At the end, FIL was hugging his D's probably for the first time in 15 years and was crying in their shoulders, expressing regret for what kind of father he had been. My W was so incredibly touched. Later she told my MIL about it and MIL just responded coldly, "He never seemed to care that much when he was here." It ruined W's night and that was the start of the decay of their R, in my opinion.
Regardless of what happens with your M, you need to really decide if that's the kind of path you want to start walking down with your S.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Thank you Mr. Bond ,Wonka ,Peter ,Card. You have given me alot to think about . Yes Im pulling my horns back in . For several reasons . I had a dream last night , very vivid . My wife came to me and was crying and she hugged me and said she was so sorry and asked if i could ever forgive her . I want that dream to be reality sooo badly . But hence i know its not likely . It did make me feel sad and less angry . Also alot of what you people have been saying has sunk in . My emotions are so out of control I dont know how to get them back in check . A Day in nature will defintely happen . Mr Bond Im happy to hear your sitch worked out for you and your family .After 3 years ?? Man you must be one strong individual . However Im not so sure your sitch was any worse than mine . Did you walk in on your wife and OM naked on a bed having sex ??? Try to get that image out of your head . For that reason alone I wonder how we can ever reconcile . Its been a brutal 8 months and I feel like Ive been through hell and back .To think about going another two years makes me dizzy . Dawgy
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
A day in nature will help temporarily, but you need to do some serious work, too. At least one session with an IC seems necessary in your sitch. Make your focus YOU and not your WAW now. Maybe this can motivate you to do that: If you don't take advantage of this crisis and make positive, permanent changes in yourself, even if she does come back it will almost certainly fall back apart at some point. That was the thought the kicked me off of the pity train and onto the path of self progress.
As MWD says, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Don't sit around being the old dawgy, whether it's while she's running around, during/after reconciliation, or in a new R with someone else in the future. Roll up your sleeves, find some professional help and get to work.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Tarheel I forgot to mention you in my thank yous . Your points are well received . I know you ve been here for awhile . Do you have an opinion when its too late , its over and time to move on ? Dawgy . Ps everyone , I went to IC yesterday morning and thats when i decided D looked inevitable . Counsellor figured so
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Dawgy I have read your posts and it's tough. Your child comes first. End of. Your an adult and need to show you child the best you He needs a father he needs you to be there. I read what you did and can understand the feelings and emotions but as everyone else said it didn't achieve anything. It's happened it's over and learn from it. Only you can decide when to call it over. I struggle every day but I see my children and their happiness is what comes first. Take time relax back from it and think about what you want. Choose a path and stick with it. You may get what you want maybe not but all the journey you will be working on you and be the best you can be for you and you son. Take care
