Labug, I just finished reading about the rescuer/persecutor victim triangle and I see I've done that in major ways in my marriage -- first when we moved to the west coast and then when I found out about the affair. (Still kind of hanging out in victim on that one a little bit).
I'm sure that means there are tons of ways I've done that on smaller scales. Actually, the more I think about it the more places I can see that I did that. And he encouraged the rescuing by making himself unavailable because he had to work. In my marriage as with my dad, work trumped everything, though there probably only limited times when it truly needed to. I permitted & enabled that.
Is shouldering my share of the responsibility for this situation the action needed to interrupt this pattern? Is that what letting go means? Taking my share, leaving his share at his feet, and moving forward? He's not truly alcoholic, but his share of the communications failures that got us in those two messes is definitely disordered because he's so conflict avoidant.
And I know it's really not my business, but can I just say how frustrated I am that his dad is paying for the thanksgiving plane tickets? Why do we all go so far to appease my H and make his life so easy? How will he ever grow up if we all smooth his way for him?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell - I just wanted you to know I understand your thoughts on your FIL paying for the plane tickets. It's almost like rewarding bad behavior in a sense. I used to get so bothered/upset when H's family were just all zippity doo daa and enabling him (at least in my mind). However, I tried to look at it (while gritting my teeth) that they are his family. No matter what it is still their son - maybe they aren't happy with what he's doing but what good will it do to push their son away? Your H may or may not realize in time what he's doing. My H had family and friends cheering him on in his new life and he still was able to 'wake' up one day.
I'm sorry I don't know the entire situation so if my comment is irrelevant just ignore me. Sometimes I have a hard time getting an entire thought out because I'm always typing on my phone. Just know that I went through some really tough times. So many posts that I read of yours with anger, hurt and frustration resonate with me. I was there. There is light at the end of the tunnel with or without your H. Own your sh*t. Work on you and be happy. Love on your babies. Be a mom but take time to be you. The Maybell that's a woman not just the Maybell that's a mom.
Let your H go on whatever path he's destined to be on. It may lead back to you and it may not but you know you can look back and think wow I did that I. Can do anything. And what a great example for your kids. I don't mean to ramble but I sat in the dumps for awhile. I noticed the last few weeks before H wanted to R that I started to be happier. Going out. Doing things. Everyone in my life noticed. I could finally go out and have conversations and go a day without talking about H with my friends or family (except on here)
Anyway... This was all over the place. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you and you will be okay. Excuse the rambling from lack of sleep
I also wouldn't worry too much about FIL doing that. WAW's family (MIL, FIL, SIL, sMIL, cousin, etc) is 100% hoping she "comes to her senses" and comes back to me. Yet they are supporting her while not encouraging her decision to S/D. Cousin paid for her moving truck because we were both a mess and also broke due to work on the house. SIL (out of town) has been talking to her several times a week on the phone (they almost never talked before this). At first I was a bit perturbed at those things, but I've since spoken with those women and they are 100% hoping that MY wish comes true.
And if I thought it as someone I love being a WAS, I would support them as a person while trying to do whatever I could to encourage them to reconcile their M (depending on the sitch, of course).
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Thank you for your support, T and Card. T, you are an inspiration. After the cr@p your H pulled, for him to wake up was amazing.
I wouldn't mind my FIL paying for the tix if we couldn't afford it, but we can. He just won't let his kids be responsible for themselves. He's super generous but it emasculates my BIL, and prior to BD my H and I always avoided letting my in-laws get too involved in our stuff. FIL gets very controlling and intrusive. To the point where he called my BIL's employer once and scolded him for something about BIL's job. Part of why we left that state was to keep them at arm's length. They helped some but only in specific circumstances. I feel like his helping with the tix now just drags out whatever maturing process my H needs to go through.
Labug, NS OD, I haven't seen Life is Beautiful. I'll put it on my list. I know I am ok.
H just left with kids and while I welcome the quiet I hate what their leaving means. Well, time to start prepping for my hot weekend!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Forgot to mention... I had to make an appetizer for the party tonight so I got nice cheese & crackers and made bacon jam as an accompaniment. Gave an extra jar of it to H to thank him for keeping the kids Tuesday night while I went out. He came at the tail end of our party and had a drink, talked to my friends (including my SAHD friend), heard my friend ask about my plans to color my hair and that I couldn't have dinner with them tonight because I had someplace to be. This last was very mysterious since everyone he thinks I hang out with was present.
He accused me of pushing the kid to shave his head to back him into a corner. Nicely, but still. He must have a very low opinion of me.
Last edited by Maybell; 10/17/1410:45 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Nicely, but still. He must have a very low opinion of me.