last session she wanted a trial separation of a couple weeks (me go stay with a friend) - I was starting to plan it but just couldn't leave my daughter. So we are trying to separate as much as possible while in the same house for a couple weeks. we do not sleep in same bed during week because we work opposite shifts. for the past two weekends I have slept in the spare room on weekends. However, i have still been coming home early to take my daughter to daycare so she can get to work earlier, I still take my daughter when the wife wants to go do something, I still make dinner on occasion and we still talk (not much though).
if she insists on a separation: 1. I feel SHE should be the one to move since I want no part of separating. I feel that would make things worse...especially for my daughter. is that wrong? 2. should I make tell HER to sleep in spare room ? 3. should I quit leaving work early so SHE has to get my daughter ready and to daycare? my boss is pushing for me to stay til normal time anyways and the wife knows it was not a permanent thing. 4. I'm afraid of how we can handle transactions with my daughter. i would want to see my daughter every day, but it will rip my heart out even more to see my wife every day when not together. 5. how do I keep from being cold since it will be so one sided?
I have read in other threads about a guy that remained his wife's best friend after they separated even when she was seeing someone else....I don't think that can be me. As much as I love her and want to be with her, the thought of her persisting on separating seems like it would build so much resentment that I wouldn't even be able to look at her (i know that sounds horrible - just my current thoughts - I do not like them one bit)
she repeatedly beat into my head that this didn't happen over night so i shouldn't expect her to be "fixed" over night. Why doesn't it work the other way around?? I didn't make her feel like she doesn't love me anymore over night, why keep taking steps towards negative outcomes because things aren't changing over night??
my head is spinning!!!!!!
sorry for so many posts....just looking for support.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
not sure if anyone is even reading right now, but as a self therapy I typed up a "script" (if you will) . it makes me feel better but I know it is pointless to try to reason with a spouse that wants out. And that is why she will probably never see it or even know about it. I'm hoping for the best, that's all I can do.
here is what I typed.... "first a couple of questions..... 1. What exactly do you want our marriage to be? 2. What makes us not worth fighting for? 3. Why do we keep taking steps that are not constructive?
I understand that you didn't get to the way you feel over night.it took time to build this wall and when it got high enough that you could not see over it, all you can see is the other side (separation / divorce) as your way out. I don’t expect you to change your mind over night, and in return I am asking you don’t expect me to change overnight. You have made your point; you have stood up for yourself and made me see that you do not want to be treated as you were in the past. I get it!!!! I’m sorry it took us getting to this point for me to see the true value in our marriage. You obviously know what you want from a relationship from this point forward. Allow me to learn and work with you to build the marriage that we both want. We need to acknowledge what we want from each other and then act in order to provide that. It won’t be easy, it won’t be instant but it WILL be worth it in the end. give us time, we can do it. I cannot change the past, I cannot take back the things I’ve done. From this day, I can be a better husband and father.
Marriage is not easy, but we have a great opportunity here and I am asking for us to take advantage of it so that we can build the marriage that we both want."
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
no action tonight eh? ya know, I've been reading other threads and many of them keep talking about fixing themselves so even if their wife doesn't come back, they can take what they have learned to the next marriage. I can't even fathom the idea of even dating anyone let alone a relationship even remotely close to marriage. I know it's wrong, but I am sometimes telling myself that if my wife leaves and we get divorced that I'm not sure I will ever be able to open up my heart again.
anyway, I've finally convinced myself to be positive and up beat tonight. i felt myself falling back into the circle I had last night....and it scared me! I just started watching micheles videos on youtube and it DEFINITELY helped.
I'm still worried about how my wife is going to handle the next session because I KNOW the counselor is going to ask her if she has made a decision. it's going to get quite emotional. I'm just reminding myself of the positives.............
1. I have managed to not even bring up our relationship for the past two weeks, 2. I only broke down and cried once when she was home over the past few weeks 3. have not lost my temper at all or pushed her in any way (intentionally). 4. we worked together on some remodeling without conflict, 5. and she is still living at home.
I feel pretty accomplished as slight as it may be. in the beginning i did EVERYTHING wrong. I just hope it's not too late (sound like a broken record yet?)
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Again, I did not text my wife before coming home from work. Had a pretty positive attitude on the way home. Came in the house and the wife was right there pretty much ready to leave and in a surprisingly good mood? She instantly said "good morning" with a smile. Weird ...but I'll take it. She already had packed my daughters lunch (I usually do it) So I asked how my daughter was for the night And my wife said she never heard a peep. She actually got some sleep. Then she jokingly talked about the cats waking her up two minutes before her alarm went off. She then said " ok, I have to go. Sleep good and see you later". As she was walking out I noticed her one eye was puffy and asked if it was ok. She said it feels fine, just puffy ....then made fun of how she looks with it. Then I cracked a joke about her coworkers thinking I hit her. She laughed about it and agreed. If told her I would prob have to work fir night so she will need a sitter if she was still planning to go with her friends. Told her unless she can be home by 1030 pm. But I made sure she knew I wasn't putting a time limit on her night , just had to be to work on time.
Anyway, not sure why she wAs chipper....but it felt kinda nice.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Hey lost, some of us are following your thread. Hard to keep up with the volume you're posting. I used to be pretty manic too, I definitely see how emotional this is just based on the amount you're writing. Sorry this is so tough.
In regards to your self therapy letter, I wrote one as well. What's even more important is that you answer this question: WHY CAN'T YOU SHARE THAT WITH HER? Seriously, please answer that. It is crucial that you do.
Beyond that, you need to detach. Right now her moods are impacting your moods. That's not easy and requires some serious growth, change, and patience. But it must happen as right now you're absolutely attached and as a result you're going through some overwhelmingly turbulent emotional waters.
Proud you are still being disciplined, please reply to this. As you make it easier for yourself you will only see further growth and less pain.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Isn't that letter considered "pursing" or "begging"? I assume that it would just push her further away. Maybe it would be something to bring out at next counseling session? Sorry for the volume, I work all night and have way too much time on my hands .
I admit, detaching is very hard for me. I am working on it though......not easy for me
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
No! Don't share that letter! My apologies for not being clear. The question is, please elaborate on why it's a bad idea. You're right, it's pursuing. But there's more to it than that. Please think about it and see what you can come up with. Hint- your W is in a totally different state of mind than you are, and a totally different person than who you've always thought she was during your R. This exercise is needed so you can start to understand who she is now, how she feels, and how she will perceive these types of actions. It's one thing to know not to send it, but getting the 'why' behind it is invaluable!
Keep going!!! You can do this!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I was a bit confused at first lol. Right now she is nearly convinced that the grass is greener on the other side. The letter would make her feel as everything she is doing is wrong and push her further away. Maybe make her feel like I was trying to be controlling? This isn't easy for me....
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Zues...I haven't commented on your threads, but I've read them. Man, you have got to be one of the biggest turnarounds, attitude and perspective-wise, on these boards.
lostluv: "I know it's wrong, but I am sometimes telling myself that if my wife leaves and we get divorced that I'm not sure I will ever be able to open up my heart again."
Heh. I'm a fairly devout Christian. I figure I could do something convenient, easy. I am a reasonably attractive, apparently successful guy. But a real relationship with someone ELSE(which is pretty much required!) sounds like the last thing in the world that I would want.
Try to push those thoughts away for now. If that moment ever comes, your DB journey will have prepared you.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
