Newcomer living in Hell

[bravo61]

is it a bad sign that the W has actually started to see the part she had in our marital problems but continues on. she is in C and she hasn't forgiven me yet but has me a little worried. i know that we could not reconnect until she forgives me. she says that is over regardless of my changes but has stated to me (in response to me saying i would not hurt her like that again) that i could. if you are done w/me, no i can't cause you are not open to feeling anything from/towards me again. she said that we were awful to each other. i told her that its a good thing we aren't those people anymore. this was a convo a whle back. just reflecting. on another note, i'm thinking about getting a lighthouse tatoo on my back (surrounded by crashing waves).

[MrBond]

"I believe she's starting to feel some pressure regarding her decisions."

In what way?

[bravo61]

hey MrB,
one of the main reasons i surmised that was her statement of "i can't see me being happy anywhere right now" with a sad smile when i asked if she was gonna be happy at new job. it was patently obvious that she was not talking bout her work. she loves her work and that is where she feels happiest. the kids are also giving her hell (and me too). she has relayed several times that D is very caring and nurturing. her example was D cradles her when she cries. also she has burst into tears several times because she feels guilty for hurting me. at those tomes, i have not brought up our R and have had PMA. she has said that this is hard for her too and that "part of her does want a divorce". only part?

[MrBond]

"it was patently obvious that she was not talking bout her work."

Mindreading. If you're not her, then anything else that you say is pure speculation.

"the kids are also giving her hell (and me too)."

Do you mean that you give her hell too or that the kids give both of you hell?

"she has relayed several times that D is very caring and nurturing. her example was D cradles her when she cries. also she has burst into tears several times because she feels guilty for hurting me. at those tomes, i have not brought up our R and have had PMA. she has said that this is hard for her too and that "part of her does want a divorce". only part?"

Many WAS's still feel the pain of leaving. They worry about its effect on them and the family despite their rough demeanor. She feels it. It's part of the process. They feel that it's something the "must" do to be happy. Yet if you were to ask them what it is that makes them happy, they'll tell you that they don't know.

They think that leaving their M is the best thing to do when they don't see that the real best thing they can do is get help on themselves.

[bravo61]

Do you mean that you give her hell too or that the kids give both of you hell?

giving both of us hell-where's mommy/daddy? don't get divorced, if you get divorced i'm gonna be mad at you.

she has said that she knows it'll be her fault if the kids are screwed up. why would you even risk that?

saw her tonight at practice. it was pretty cool when i asked how her day was and she said fine, then told me what all she did. she asked me and i said it was awesome. i could tell she wanted to ask me what i did and was very curious. i kept it all to myself.

she got new boots and i mentioned them. she said that she's upgrading her wardrobe after years of neglecting for the kids and family.

so i'm never there for her but i've got the kids Mon nite, Tues nite, Wed nite, D all day thurs (i go to work Thur nite), come back on fri morning to get them off to school. and W actually mentioned that she was upset cause she was invited to a timbers game and can't go because of work. wow-selfish much? i'm stoked bout having the kids but it also saves her around $200 in childcare-but i'm not there for her (sarc). at least she gave me a couple of good hugs as she left practice to go to work. she works tonight, tomorrow nite, mandatory parenting classes wed nt, orientation for new job (2nd) thurs and fri. partially why i knew she was talking bout post D life and not work. she loves work and loves to be there.

[bravo61]

Kinda glum tonight. She didn't send shoes w/S so I had to meet her at her place to get them. She opened garage (she got there from work at same time) and I ran in and got them. I asked to please not go back my car to see kids as I knew D would have melt down. I wasn't gruff when I said it was just tired & stressed looking. I didn't want S to be late to school. When she first saw me she said "uh oh. I see rain clouds around your head". She snapped at my request and I explained my reasoning and said hey no need to snap at me. I apologized if I made her feel I was mad at her(her assumptions again), hugged her & left.

She called this evening & vented bout the neighbor keeping her awake, I listened & validated. I asked why she got so upset this morning. She said her PTSD flared up when she perceived I was in a bad mood. I told her again I was sorry and she said sorry too. Doesn't PTSD only flare up with outside triggers? Her C has really put that in her mind and is now a justification of everything. I have given no "triggers" that I'm aware of. Since I've lived hear I've been nothing but kind, loving, considerate, and respectful. Even my S has noted that she treats me like crap.

On a good note, really looking forward to the trip. I'm making a I pod playlist with fave songs for everybody. I think W will be surprised at how impt things that she likes are to me and that I make a point to remember them. But I'm sure I'll screw it up somehow in her mind.

S asked tonight why I'm so nice to W. I told him because I love her and that's how God wants us to love others. Also explained that I'm trying to be an example to him and that you never give up on those you love. Told him that if he ever went through a rough patch I would love him like that too. He got teary eyed and hugged me saying"I love you daddy. I hope mama won't destroy our family".

Argh!!!!!!!
WTH am I supposed to say to that?

[bravo61]

well the wife came over to get the kids. but she wasn't supposed to. we had talked about it and she has to be at new job at 7a so i was gonna get S to school and watch D till babysitter picked her up at 330p tomorrow. we had talked about it but she was tired and forgot i guess. that's ok, i had save some leftovers from dinner and she was hungry. she spent about 30 min here and the kids showed off the prizes i got them for our trip to olympic national park this weekend-wed. i got her a pair of hiking socks too. we had nice work talk and she said that she was excited about the trip (me too). walked her out to the car and got the intimate hug. what's nice is that she puts her stuff in the car and then comes back out expressly for it. she did, however, leave her purse. i called but she was apparently talking to her brother. she was gone for about 45 min. she walked over (l live in the complex across the street so i can be there for the kids if needed) to get it. she smelled of alcohol and she had been crying. didn't ask if she was ok just told her i hope she has a great first day of work. she gave me another hug and left. man i miss her!

on the 180 front, i set up the boarding reservation for the dog, got travel books to help plan activites, and shopped for games and books for the family during the trip. trip planning i always left to her-never realized how stressful it was. so this week i did all that and had the kids from mon nite thru thurs morning. and on fri morning i will be going straight from work to her place to get kids where they need to go. oh yeah, and i spoke to her atty regarding the child care support plan. i got it whittled down to under $500. i really don't care about the amount per se, i just don't need to be told to take care of my family. it was nice to hear the W echo and support me in that belief of me as a dad. i left the decision to send the papers off to the state with the W. i told her i would rather wait till the end of the year and the tax filings will be less complicated. she didn't really say what she was gonna do but i let her know that i would prefer that(but i didn't plead).

[bravo61]

Had my D all day until 330p. We went shopping for games for our trip. I ended up buying her a couple of outfits. When the sitter was driving off, I heard her little teary voice in the back "I love you daddy, I'll miss you". This ditch is such BS!!! I wasn't really there for them but I am now and have been since I've been here. I can't go back to being a part time dad & husband. Why aren't I deserving of grace? Turns out most of her friends & family knew of this plan before me. I'm really fighting resentment right now, especially when she says "I tried so hard". BS!!! Then why did u quit when you're getting the payout?

She did call tonight so I could say night to the kids. She told me bout her new job and I told her I was proud of her & knew she'd do great. Told her I'd see her in the morning (taking the kids to school so she can get to work-so she doesn't have to pay for sitter) when I get off third shift. But you know, I'm never there for her-sigh. She did say she was really excited bout the trip. I am too, cause strangely I'm not worried bout being anything other than me at this point. I am tired of the conflicting messages. She said that she would like for us all to drive around & look at Christmas lights together on Christmas eve (after discussing possibility of working on it). I told her I remembered she always loved that. I did make a point of ending the Convo on my terms.

[jim0987]

Just catching up on your last couple of posts and a couple of observations if you don't mind.

you're going to need to let the resentment go (easier said than done I know). A few times you've mentioned sarcastically that you were 'never there for her' and it seems to bother you. It feels a little like youre still keeping score.

My W says I was never there for her and I felt that was really unfair because I did lots for her. But I didn't emotionally support her and although I knew she could talk to me - she didn't. I held onto resentment that I wasn't getting enough credit and then wasn't listening to what she was trying to tell me especially when what she was saying was that my sarcasm was upsetting her.

So I suppose I'm trying to say do things because its being a better you and try not care whether you're getting the credit.

'Its amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit' Truman

[Jefe]

Bravo, hang in there. The kids are what's killing me too.