I did not initiate any contact this morning. No text from work or anything. (Normally send good morning text and ask how night with my daughter went).
Got home and only said "good morning" , packed my daughters lunch and then went upstairs to wake my daughter to get her ready (I usually initiate conversation , but didn't say a word this morning)
I was getting my daughter ready and my wife came in and said good morning to our daughter, kissed her and told her bye & I love you.
I asked what time my daughter got up because her pillows and blanket were in my wife's bed. She told me about 5 am and said she was laughing in her sleep. Then she told my daughter she loved her again and then walked out of the room. As she was walking away she said "see ya later" (she normally talks more and tells me to sleep good and have a good day) I simply told her to have a good day.
I wasn't unpleasant or anything, just didn't pursue conversation like usual.
That is the least amount of conversation we've had for quite a while. Honestly, it sucked! It hurt! And I freakin hate it.
Here is the part that I really have to get control of.............. I know I'm not supposed to worry about the future, but My gut feeling (which is usually right and I should have learned to follow it a long time ago) is telling me that in our counseling meeting this week she is going to say she doesn't want to work together on the relationship And she wants a full separation. I REALLY hope my gut is wrong.....
Any advice for how to react ?
if she wants a separation, she will more than likely want ME to move out. I will not. Is it wrong for me to feel that if she insists on it and I do not , that SHE should have to move? I feel so horrible even THINKING about my daughter going through this.
She has said in the past that I can't expect her to change her mind over night about how she feels, I understand that.....shouldn't it work the other way too? Why not give us ample time to work on things now that I'm aware of how she feels and what I need to do?
I feel so bitter and cold just thinking about it
Last edited by dying; 10/14/1412:32 PM.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Oh yeah, one more thing......almost two moths ago I started messaging my wife's best friends (they were in our wedding) and they are all out of town. We have been trying to set up a surprise get together "spa day" for them to have fun and reminisce. I never mentioned anything about our relationship issues I just wanted to do something nice for my wife because I know she misses her friends.
Anyway, I was wondering if I should continue with planning that get together or should I politely tell them that we will not be able to follow through with it?
As far as I know, only one of them has any idea that we are having issues because my wife confided in her back in June.
Opinions ?
Looks like I may end up filling my 11 pages myself ....
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
okay, my man, you need to RELAX. Seriously, if I could give orders, I'd give you one now. You are going through a manic cycle I know all too well. Visualize a STOP sign in your head. Get some rest.
Re-read the 37 rules daily. If your W is agitated, happy, sad, joyful, cold, whatever. Often, her agitation stems from you giving her exactly what she wants - separation - and then she has to work through why that is bothering her.
You have to be consistent. Pull back. Be upbeat. Limit conversation. She must come to YOU. Restrict conversation w/ wife to logistics and shared concerns for daughter.
Let the spa thing die a natural death. That is a no-go in so many ways.
Do not move out. Love your daughter. Encourage your W anytime you witness her exhibiting love and kindness toward your daughter.
Research validating statements and memorize.
Use this energy to make yourself better, more prepared. Not desperate. Detaching is a B!+@#. And, it requires practice. Log your wins. This morning, brief convo without conflict, was a WIN, whether you realize it as such or not.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I know, I'm trying to relax. I'm posting here because I have no one to talk to about it and it actually makes me feel better (a little)
I try reading the 37 rules a lot. It's hard to be upbeat when I'm so miserable. I haven't showed it in almost two weeks.
We do not talk about relationship at all.... Haven't since last counsel meeting. Almost wondering if we should pause counseling until she acknowledges that SHE wants to work on us too?
The spa thing is trying to get people from three different states together....been difficult to plan....but I will just wait to see if the friends are still in , I won't bring it up unless they do.
'My wife hasn't expressed anything but love for our daughter. Sometimes it's like she over does it in front of me out of spite....
Validating statements?
Time to try sleeping........
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Got up from sleeping and only said "good morning" to my wife .....made my coffee and played w my daughter. The wife looked at me a few times like she was waiting for me to ask how work was for her as I usually do.......I didnt.
Finally after about 15 min she said "how was work last night?"
We chatted a very short bit then I started getting ready for class.
I guess I need to mark this as a minor win?
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Me Too, I don't feel like I need to call the coroner every time I visit your thread, now.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Got home from class and only said hi. Made a couple sandwiches and sat down to eat....In silence as she played on her phone. After about 5 min or so, she broke the silence . Actually laughed a few times talking about our daughter and wife made a couple jokes about her toys.
Baby steps.....but I guess tiny wins
As for the screen name.....thanks. but I still feel like I'm dying inside
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Wh am I worrying so much about the next counseling ? Things haven't been bad but I just have the feeling that something major is wrong (more wrong than normal).
feel like I'm going to have another bad night with anxiety
I really shouldn't let it bother me....but it's ripping me apart. I'm not showing it to her anymore, but I'm getting to where I can't deal with it. I'm not liking many thoughts that I'm having
I know we are not supposed to feel like we NEED someone, but I'm having a very hard time with that. Ironic because when my wife and I were dating my attitude was " I want someone to be a part of my life, not be my life". Over the years of being married, that has changed and I feel WRONG to not "need" her....like I'm abandoning
On a positive note, she went to bed and said good night. Another conflict free day.
However..... I really miss her telling me she loves me......I really miss her loving me. But she has to choose that....I can't force it ......I can only hope
Last edited by lostluv; 10/15/1401:56 AM.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
