Maybe I'm not giving his family enough credit. My SIL has been lovely to me-- we've met up for dinner a few times, and she's been very open to getting together with the kids, too. And my MIL has also been lovely to me, given the circumstances. She's been open about how much she cares about me, and how upset she and her H (my H's SF) are about this. They have also both complimented me about how I've changed and handled all of this. I have to believe that that gets back to the rest of the family somehow. And I have to believe that I'd continue to be strong and dignified enough to model reconciliation with all of them should that come to pass.
Interestingly, my H's cousin has had some major mental health issues in the past. He was a newlywed when he had a recent significantly difficult period. I think his W's family was worried about her staying with him. But she did. They now have two little kids. He seems healthy. (And he has always been the kind of person to reach out to everyone, to acknowledge birthdays and anniversaries). He sent me a nice email on my birthday. He is a really good person, and his W is so lovely, too, and I am so glad she has stuck by him.
Taking today to just relax and chill out. I had a terrible night's sleep, and feel awful, but instead of being angry with myself for not "GAL" today, I'm treating myself with love and resting. And that's ok to do sometimes, even on a beautiful day.
I remember reading that a separation is less likely to end in D if mutual friends are pro-marriage. This was the closest I could find on the topic, but the research it refers to just talks about how "social contagion" can cause a mini epidemic of D.
Ugh. My H's friends and family are more like, "Do whatever you feel you need to do to be happy. If that means getting a D, then we'll still love and support you no matter what."
I have such a (mis-guided) urge to share DR with my MIL or some of his friends, in the hopes that they will be moved to encourage him to reconsider.
That would be SUCH a bad call on my part, so I'm thankful I've resisted those urges so far... but boy oh boy, I think this would be easier if I had more people in my corner. (I mean, I know I have all of you, but I mean people who actually TALK to my H!!)
Had a very positive interaction with H when he brought D home. He said the house smelled great, and noticed all the (clean) pots and pans I had used: "Looks like you've done some cooking!" with a smile.
Then, when he went to say goodbye to D, she put her head down, made a sad face, and shut her bedroom door in his face.
My H has made himself scarce to his friends & family that know me, so it wouldn't necessarily help. The guys in town here are pretty much shunning my H because they're disgusted with him. Not that he realizes it...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Early after BD i texted my W that I was going to see some friends after work. Ah responded "please don't make me enemies with your friends". I wanted to respond "please don't dump me". Eesh.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
But I've been reading with interest Starsky's thoughts about asking the WAS to "give it a go", basically. To say something like, "I know our feelings have changed, but I believe (and there is research to support this), that action and thought can lead to changed feelings. So, now that we've had some time apart, I wanted to ask if you'd be willing to recommit to ATTEMPTING to gain back our feelings. There would be work involved and we would have to commit fully to doing that work. But, if after a reasonable period of time-- at least 6 months or more-- we feel like things haven't moved forward at all, or our feelings haven't begun to change, then we can decide to call it quits.
We never attempted this-- with expert support from someone well trained and very pro-marriage-- for a reasonable amount of time, AND while we were both actively engaged and committed to the work.
Go ahead and smack me on the head.
I know deep down this is big time pursuing and temp checking. Maybe its my hail mary. Maybe I will wait a few more months and ask him this,and if he refuses then I can say I've tried everything and I'll be ready to drop the rope and call it quits.
I don't know why that worked for Starsky. If it was timing or his personality or the character of their relationship leading up to her A. But I haven't seen anything about your H that makes me think he's going to respond to that in the way that you hope.
I don't want to be dealing out 2x4s here, but that's my two cents.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I understand your frustration. I do! Here's my take. You CAN have that conversation if you so choose, although I think you know the response will not be as you hoped. Only you can decide when you are truly ready to move on and no one will fault you for moving on or continuing to stand.
Here's the truly difficult part. If your h decides he wants to give it a go, he knows you don't want a d and he knows where to find you. This isn't a 2x4 by any means.
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Ugh, 5 K training is not going. I never solved some of my post-pregnancy physical issues that interfere with running (don't mean to be TMI). If I knew then, what I know now, I'd have insisted on c-sections for each child...but hey, that's water under the bridge, and maybe it wouldn't have gone smoothly....
But, the good news is that I am starting PT again next week. Going to also try to pick up a yoga class once a week, and maybe add in some treadmill walking or biking or weight training.
To be honest, I've struggled for the past year with my sleep habits. I fall asleep on the couch every night, and wake up somewhere between midnight and 1, and then get into bed. My alarm goes off at 5:30. My D often wakes up once/night. Sometimes I do, too. That part of my life is a bit of a mess, and I'm surprised at how well I'm functioning considering I *never* get a good full night's rest.
I am exhausted. I know I need to solve this, as sleep is the key to so many other parts of my healing. Join the club of lousy sleepers (gee, then again, here I AM Posting at 1:30 am....hmmm)
I have such a block about it though.
Even after all.this time, I hate getting into bed. I got new sheets that I love, I have a candle that smells great. And I still hate getting into bed.
Clearly I've still got a lot of work to do.
I would also love some pointers on how to get more traffic to my thread. Maybe I don't spend enough time on other people's threads. I have to give more to receive more.
No, you give plenty. I think you can post more often (shorter perhaps) and or to another forum. I don't even know what forum I'm on at the moment but I saw your name on the "active topics" pile and so, here i am (plus it's so LATE, what else would I do?!)
My BD anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks, then my wedding the following week.
For your WEDDING anniversary, we can talk about sending a momento re: your d and the fact that you'll never regret having a child together "it's still worth remembering", or "thank you for helping me bring her into our world", etc. NOTHING about him being your h, but maybe MAYBE something good about him being a good dad--if it is reasonably believable. Don't over do it if he's been AWOL but then again, Gives him something to live up to.
Still no more mediation meetings in the works, still in limbo. ^^^Why is that all bad? Why isn't that, arguably, a positive?
Do I ever ask him when he plans to take the rest of his belongings out of the house? Or-- if we should begin splitting finances, especially if he is spending joint $$ on dating? Dare I say something like that to him?
Nope...not now at least...But you needn't keep waiting for the other shoe to drop either. More on that later
I feel like the answer is always, no-- no R talks, just GAL and worry about yourself. Limbo is good. But this unknown is scary. Maybe I need to make some moves, like get the house appraised. Getting it appraised is not a bad idea.
Am I entitled to access to joint bank accounts or CC accounts?
YES YOU ARE entitled access to it, and to all of the money in it ( not to close the account however so you'd have to leave $25 or something, so it doesn't look as if you "stole" it all)
CAVEAT to the above ^^^ CAVEAT CAVEAT Legally in a final settlement, you'd get half of all marital assets.
When I said you could take all of this money, NOTE that you would have to compensate him for his half, when you guys sign the papers.
Til then however, you guys are married and if you needed to buy living room furniture and you went and charged it on the joint CC, there's nothing HE could do to stop you or claim it's not legal. IT IS legal but that does not make it a great idea.
See, while HALF of it is YOURS TO KEEP, at this time you can avail yourself of all of it, if you remember that later on when things get all settled, the money you take that exceeds your half, will need to be returned to him.
Make sense? Also, why not ask yourself the questions my L asked me to see where you land on it, okay?
IF I were you, YES I sure would access the accounts asap. WHY? BECAUSE YOU NEED TO
1) find out what the income/assets/expenses numbers really are b/c you WILL NEED them for mediation and or a divorce,
and 2) to see if (and or how much) he is spending on some OW, b/c that is money you & your offspring are entitled to,
AND OR
3) you may need some "rainy day" money sooner than you realize. (In my book, it's raining now).
FYI, after discussing it with my Lawyer back then, she asked if it as possible that my h would "go bonkers and hide money"....to which I said "NO...well, probably not.... but then again, I never thought he'd fly to Alaska and not tell me, THREE TIMES (that I know of)..." so there's that...
She said on the off chance he went nuts with money, since I had 2 kids at home with me and he'd already "forgotten" to pay our electric bill so that power nearly got cut off during the fire season, (Story to come)
IDEA-- to set aside enough money to live off of, for maybe 2 months IN CASE HE tried to screw us...b/c it would take 6 weeks or so to get an order to force him to pay support....
She also said not to touch it unless I had to and to keep a log of all expenses. So I did that. Be ready to show where it went and what the purpose was, so HE CANNOT ACCUSE YOU of mishandling money, or being deceitful about it.
I hate to admit this but I took several thousand out, per her suggestion and h never ever noticed it....ever!!....
(I sometimes think I should have bought a hot tub! OR gone to Paris with my sisters....but then, that's harder to hide from as those moves are more noticeable...)
I can't see what he spends-- he controls access to all the accounts and pays the shared CC bill. He has another card on his own, and so do I.
Looks like I need to call Chuck and my L. and I need to get some sleep.
Keep talking to Chuck. I never had him as my coach but I had a Godsent angel for mine. They are great. Let us know what HE thinks about all this, and keep on posting.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 10/15/1408:53 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I want to thank everyone so much for the gentle and firm feedback!
You are all correct (of course). And honestly, if this M has any hope of working, he has to REALLY want it.
So, I'm working on acceptance. Bought myself some new lacy "things" (ahem). Started PT with an AWESOME T who I can tell is going to get me ready to start exercising again.
And, confession time: i resisted the urge to reach out to my H, but did, in a moment of weakness, reach out to my MIL. Well, actually SHE emailed me to say hello and ask how I was doing, how work and D3 are. Very lovely. I wrote back with details about myself, lots of good things going on in my life... and then added "I don't know if I will ever understand H's mindset or choices or beliefs (that feelings can't change, for ex), but I cannot control that. I am just working on being the best ME and mom and co-parent I can be."
(Hiding my head in shame).
As expected, crickets followed.
So, I followed up a couple of days later with an apology that I realize I had overstepped a boundary, and I want us to have a warm relationship, so the last thing I want is for her to be afraid to reach out to me b/c she thinks I'll just whack her with some awkward emotions.
She did reply to that message: I understand. I love you and D3 very much. I want us to have a close relationship, which means being open and honest. But, it's probably best if we avoid talking about H and the separation. There's just too much emotion and discomfort involved. Love, MIL
Deep breaths.
So, tomorrow, I put on my new lacy things, have a great day at work, (participating in a new special project I was chosen for!), and GAL with a friend at an art opening in a very hip part of town.
