I can understand how you feel about the email, but you need to remember that the house is now empty and he's probably trying to get it ready to either rent or sell it. He also remembers you mentioning the thefts in the area and what better way to announce a home is empty then by allowing the grass to grow and be left unattended? He really has no choice but to either clean up the place himself or hire someone. I guess my question is...were you expecting him to just leave it as is? Your neighbor mentioned 2 men, could be friends or family members...but no mention of a female. So, don't assume the woman was there.
Yes, it's sad, again, he has only two choices, do the work or hire someone. I would toss the thoughts aside as to what he did or didn't do around the home for now and look to your new day and your big day tomorrow. The past is the past and today is the present, a gift to open, enjoy and experience new things.
BTW, did you get the mattress situation taken care of? Did you ever receive the mattress at your new place?
The hollow feeling comes from...??? I mean I knew he was over there...I guess that he was over there with help...probably the skank and that was our safe place from him.
And, the reality that he just doesn't care about us. We stand in the way of his life.
I, honestly, believe that if I were to drop the legal issues...he would just go away completely. I know he would. And, a part of me finds this very appealing.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks Job. As always, the initial information gets me. Once it begins to digest, I'm better, then a lil' better, then on even keel again.
And, my friend asked the question..."Please tell me he isn't planning on living there?"
I guess that scared me. Maybe a worst fear? He and skank will live in OUR home.
I just want him to go away.
Drinking my coffee in my office. Enjoying this morning. Planning the next issue. The girls are with me. D20 just walked over to the diner to drop off her application. She and D12 are going to the library later.
This morning, while praying, I felt God nudging me to stop taking all this D business with Smokey so seriously and to consider ways to move this man, in his current state, out of my life/thoughts. I'm much better off without him.
Options:
I'm considering all my options here. I could instruct my atty to make some sort of offer and see what they come back with? Start with $500 in child support and $500 in alimony. Half of retirement...
I could drop the filing and force Smokey to file/or not.
I could just let things go completely. Stop paying the atty and figure out alternative ways to supplement my income. I know Smokey would leave us the he!! alone then...I fear his atty attacking the homeschool issue with Smokey's recent text to D12, "Are you enrolled in school?"
I know if I just dropped it all, he would leave us be...is it worth it?
Part of me says, "YES!" WE would be rid of him. I could focus on my career and put things in order. I know I'm capable of earning enough to support us comfortably...it's whether I'm willing to let him off he hook completely?
No Smokey in my life/our lives vs. Forcing him to accept some responsibility--which can also mean some interference.
Can you drop a filing? Or do you just let the time frame run out?
Nobody panic. I'm just weighing the options. I'm tired of expending energy on this man.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I know this is draining and really can suck the life out of you. I also understand why you would want to consider other options – probably so that this could just be OVER. I’ve been there.
Here is my 2 cents for what it is worth.
Child support for your D is not for you. It is for your D. Walking away from this IMO, is not an option. If anything I would put the money in an account for my daughter and use it for her when she needs stuff. Your ex may choose not to pay, be in contempt of court and you actually may not need it…these are scenarios that may or may not happen. Having a legal document in place will at least give YOU the option later on…should you choose to enforce it is really a decision that you do not have to make today. From where I sit….the only decision you need to make is…..do you want to have the option to secure funds for your daughter.
Alimony – Consider that I am a payor of alimony so factor that in when you read my response. Personally, I believe you have a right to secure alimony. The question is much like child support….is this something that you want to have an option to pursue? On one hand I applaud you for being willing to step up and become responsible for yourself. It is admiring to read! That said, you were at SAHM for years, which impacted your ability to earn for yourself. One can argue that this was a mutual choice…that is really not the point. If I were you, I would ask myself… how much do I really need. The child support should not be include yet at the same time, your budget should reflect what you need to maintain YOUR life. Getting back to what I would do….I would determine what I need to pay my bills and take care of the kids (I would add things like….well I’m entitled to an annual vacation so I have to budge that in) and maintain them in a decent lifestyle. I would then look at that number, see how much of it I could cover and whatever the shortage is….I would ask for. At the end of the day…as long as you know you are being fair and not trying to use it to “show him”…”teach him”…or rationalize the amount by telling yourself you are “entitled”.....as long as you know you are doing the right thing – then move forward with that. I totally understand that need to get away from him, get him out of your life, etc. giving up alimony will not ensure that he just goes away. Finally, one thing to consider……securing a judgment does NOT mean that YOU have to enforce it. You simply have the option to.
Retirement – Personally, you should ask for retirement. You are older…just starting out…. You should at least have something that you can look forward to.
In short, I think drafting an offer and sending it to your attny is what I would do. If he does not agree, I would move forward with going to court and letting the judge decide. I would make one and only one offer. I would not spend money going back and forth with your Smokey who is crazy.
Finally….you do not have to decide anything TODAY…..maybe…just maybe….today you should rest.
(((hugs)))
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
There are calculators for child support and alimony in your old state, based on his income and yours, use them instead of just pulling a number out of the air. If you went to court a judge would likely use these calculators anyway. Find out what those figures are and use them. Half of the retirement that was earned during the years of marriage. Half of any equity if the house sells. Simple enough, get your attorney to put together an offer and see if you can't get this done.
My figures were based on the calculations. But, Smokey hasn't given his income yet...soooooooo.....
IDK. I'm down today.
I'm not sure why??
The email from my friend reminded me that my life is still there, somewhat, in Ohio and??? IDK. I can't seem to put it into words. It just got to me. The idea of him working in our yard. I woulda killed for that man to show up and mow while we lived there...for any sign that we mattered to him.
Then, mid-day, my mother called. She wanted me to give her a 60 second recap on my week...and, as always, the question, "Have you heard anything from the atty?"
So, I filled her in. I told her that I received the letter and how I was upset with my atty and yadda, yadda and told her that Smokey's atty described the house being left in a despicable condition...to which, my mother responded, "Well, you lived there in that despicable condition for nearly 3 years." It got to me. Really mom?
And, then, she asked me about this party tomorrow where I'm the guest of honor and she was asking what I found to wear and????
I just feel this overwhelming sadness today and sense of being really alone in this world. Like all the people I counted on, loved, gave all of my love to...well, they are all a$$hats.
On the bright side, job is going well and D20 got a job.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
But, I still have a newspaper to put out and I'm really emotionally drained. Maybe a part of me was holding out for Smokey to miraculously realize what he was losing and showing up on a white steed?
The girls are so sick of each other and I'm sick of them...really glad D20 has a job! :-)
The Jeep is making terrible noises...just when I get a new car, the old one needs repaired...I'm hoping it's just the exhaust that was rattled during the tow from Ohio. One more thing to fix.
And, money, money, money...And angry that I'm dealing with my new job and new state and all of the emotions the girls are handling and I'm doing it without help from sh!thead...and, he still gets to go on with his life.
Sorry, I think I need a good night's sleep and a brisk walk in the morning. I'm Debbie Downer tonight. The girls keep reminding me that there's this party tomorrow...for ME and I should be HAPPY!!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I don't post much at the moment, but Ihave read along with your situation, and you are getting some great advice.
You have done an amazing job moving your family to New York, settling down to your job and dealing with the divorce - those of us who have gone through the process from start to finish know that in most cases, divorcing, or being divorced from a MLCer isn't easy. in fact I have come to suspect the earlier we do it in the crisis, the easier it is, because at that stage they just want out, but we are encouraged, rightly, to give it our best shot. With the benefit of hindsight part of me wishes I had done it immediately!
You must be emotionally and physically drained by all that you have accomplished, and probably need to cut yourself some slack. There are a couple of things I would say, as an old timer.
The first is that you seem to still have expectations that your mother is going to change her behaviour towards you. She likely won't and she certainly won't until you change the dance. There is a great book on narcissism, by Wendy Behary, which gives strategies for dealing with a self absorbed person, and gives some insights on why they are so very good at pressing our buttons. I had better not give the title, as i think it contravenes the current site rules, but if you google her name it will come up. I have a number of narcissists in my life, and it has helped me a lot
The second thing I would say is to remember to practise the daily habit of gratitude. You have done a lot, your girls have helped, and although money remains an issue, you actually had a father who finally lent you some. Not everyone who goes through this has any parental help or support, OK yours could be better, but actually it could be a lot worse.
Once we get back to seeing the glass half full, and count our blessings we start to feel our good fortune (if all else fails, remember what 25years says: - you aren't living in Africa (or the middle East) right now. Most of your problems are first world problems, and many of them will not matter in 5 years time
