Am I in a hurry? What am I going for .. not like I want to go be single nor entertain that life ... I know the life I want and I really do not want to start over and build it with anyone else at the moment.
I feel the same way. Divorcing is always painful. Starting over is too. Dating doesn't excite me one bit. It's a big crap shoot. Find a new partner with new problems? No thanks. I have a good W... she's just searching for meaning in her life at the moment.
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.. but lately she has made comments that I am the only one who has not abandoned her, I am in fact the light house and will try to continue to be .... even the lighthouse can get lost temporarily in the fog I think
This is what marriage and Real Love is all about. It's what we vowed to do. Stand by our partners through thick and thin and all that junk. I truly believe had the tables been turned and I fell in crisis, my W would not have abandoned me.
One thought about "trying something new and seeing how it works".
As you are well aware, when our spouse is in life crisis, it's all about them. They have to figure themselves out before they are ready, or even able, to recommit to us. As you are also aware, this often takes years.
As such, nothing we do can bring them back if they're not ready. (Ask me how I know!)
I believe most of them will want back in the M eventually, or at very least, harbor regrets for bombing it to the point of no return years after we moved on. Marriages don't usually make it 20-30 years if they were truly crap, or one partner did all the giving.
So it becomes a situation of outlasting the crisis. How do we do that?
Since it takes so long, I find it important to gauge "what's working" by what's working for ME. What's making my life more meaningful and fulfilling?
My advice is to adjust your course with this in mind.
Sure we'll have moments of discomfort and despair, that's normal. Just can't allow every day be a struggle or we'll never outlast the crisis. We do have a choice in this.
That, or we could always dump their sorry behinds and start dating.
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 10/10/1403:05 AM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
SO much great advice and insight ... and yes FY you are right ... its not a sprint, and Us LBS's have to pace ourselves, seems easier to run in this pack so we are reminded of it .. if one were to shoot out in front to far we know that person is going to burn out and fall off. I tend to use visualizations like this to put things in perspective
A heart felt THANK YOU to everyone who has read my sitch and offered their perspective, I constantly learn from your comments and your own stories every day .. for that I am eternally grateful
Ok Uddate time.
So yesterday was very quiet, I felt I was doing better, not obsessing (as much ...lol) and focused on work, doing well. I read Nitty's sitch and then went and looked at the power pose exercise she mentioned ... that lead me into listening to TED on youtube, very interesting stuff, some just fascinating .. but other things I could relate to and take from on a personal level.
So I pick up S from school, and W TM me as I am almost there, the exchange: W: How are you? M: I'm good, how are you? W:I'm fine did you call the Dr? M: I have a different appt this weekend, trying to optometrist route first W:Would you mind checking S homework, I wracked my brain and guessed at the answers (Ok ... its 2nd grade homework ... lol .. MLC ??) M:No Problem W:Are you mad at me again? M:Not at all ... Why? W:Because you have kept your distance (Yup .. called going dark) M:I was just giving you your space which I though you wanted W:We can talk civily M: I thought I have been W: I never said I wanted space. Lets not argue ok? M: ok
She talked to S later that night as typical .. she actually asked him how I was, and no more contact after that.
I dropped S off, she mentioned how good he looks (I always do his hair very well .... its like mine so I am a pro .. lol) And I was PMA wished them both a good day, she stood looking at me smiling .. then laughed a bit and I asked what was funny .. she told me she just wanted to give me a hug if that would be ok .. if I would let her. So we hugged and I told her to have a good day and left.
I will see her tonight after work, we have some things to do at S's school for the festival tomorrow ... where we both will be .. I will have my PMA going strong and just let the day play itself out.
Glad you're re-thinking things, CaliG. As a suggestion, try really hard to have no expectations and let things play out. This really is a long walk.
And take the pressure off of you - there is no right or wrong answer, except as FY mentioned - what's working for you.
Just be you and know that you won't talk about the things that have transpired until long after the new things take over. Whatever that looks like. In the scheme of things, once things settle out, the past is much easier to deal with. Much. For both of you.
No hurrying. You'll spoil the gift
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM ... yeah I struggle with the fact it is a long walk, I think deep down there is a fear that I wait and wait and end up years down the road alone ... but then I check myself and realize even if there were no chance for my M I would be doing the same things, I am not missing out on anything .. in fact .. I have embraced the gift of time and I am a better man for it.
So Lets see .... where things left off in my daytime drama.
Friday: I went to S school after work to help set up for the festival, turns out ... I was not really needed. W was there sitting with some other moms making paper-whatevers .... she mentioned that her and S were going to have dinner after. Seemed like an open invitation but I simply declined and told her I was going to take care of some errands and get ready for work later that night. Things were cordial .. but guarded (me mostly)
Saturday: I wake up ... W TM me that after the festival her and S would be going to the pumkin patch .. then invited me over for a movie. She mentioned some other things that I replied to (About the Festival) but I did not mention the movie that night ... I was on the fence honestly ... thinking I should go do so GAL activities (And again ... for whatever reason over the weekend I was guarded) SO I get to the festival and find out what I was signed up to help on ... last year was 3 hours of hell policing the Bouncy House ... lol. This year ... 4 Hours of Beer duty at the beer garden ... pretty sweet gig!! W TM here and there, nothing big just small talk, and about half way through she makes her way over and asks how I am, if I wanted food or water .. nice gesture that I was not really ready for, I was ok but thanked her. Later she told me her neck was hurting (Was a little hot and the heat always puts her out physically) I told her to do the wet towel trick to make it through her last hour, she asked if I thought about coming over later, I told her I was thinking about it, had tentative plans that did not come through so I offered to take S the rest of the day so she could get some rest and lay down. So we leave, I typically walk her to her car ... but this time I decided not to ... S wanted this new toy so we went on a hunt .. 4 stores no luck. (I never buy the kid toys .. mom's guilt has been doing plenty of that this year ...lol) So later on I bring S over to her place, we eat and pick a movie and watch it. She fell asleep ( as usual) and I get up to leave .. she did make a comment like .. "I didn't think you would leave right now" but I told her I had some things to take care of in the morning and it was late.
Sunday: I wake up early ... pull the Harley out and go for a ride ... hit up another 4 stores before I found that darn toy. I TM W and tell her I finally located it and I would be by around 11 to pick up S. I went to mass (Thought maybe she would want to go ... but she never asked) So after mass I had about an hour, I TM that I was taking him to the movies and she was welcome to join us. She told me she in fact was going .... ended up meeting her there, S and I went to one for him, she went to the one she wanted to see. Ours was a short one .. we grabbed lunch and went home, she TM after she finished and said it was a good movie, she was out reading a book and asked to see the dog. I replied we were about to go for a walk .. she could meet us at the lake (We always walked as a family there) Met up ... walked .. was short but good.
This Morning. So .. last night I was thinking, reading DR a bit ... thinking a bit more and I can not recall who .. but a post here made me think of my actions over the weekend. I was detached, but I feel sometimes that comes off as cold, and as FY and AJ mentioned .. maybe counter productive. She has been warm, positive and lately ... really letting me know what she is doing (Not sure if this is on purpose to make me not assume she is out with anyone or what) So driving to her place this mornign I thought about 180's ... I realized through this whole thing I never pursued ... not even early on .. sure I made DB "mistakes" but begging and pleading or even remotely pursuing were not among them. So I get there, she is upbeat and happy and I return her PMA with my own. I asked how she slept and she said she slept really good, she said how about you .. I shook my head and said .. "Eh" with a laugh .. .she hugged me and asked why , asked if it was my headaches .. I squeezed her and said .. "No, I miss you" ... I felt her body kinda drop, there was a pause and I thought ... Chit .. blew it.... but then she softly said "You never say that to me anymore" .. I told her that just because I don't say it doesn't mean that I don't. I noticed during the hug she was watching a movie that I just watched last week, we talked a bit about it and then I wished her a good day at work and left.
I think maybe I might try to pursue just a hair, see if that works or not, but without expectations, and slowly ... thinking inviting her to do something Saturday night as she has had me over for a movie the past 2. Might be a good way to show her its not one sided.
So last night .. all quiet as has been the case lately. My spidey sense tells me W is just trying to be comfortable alone, work on herself, and I .... as much as I miss her/us .. I understand this is a journey she must take .. detach lovingly from afar. So the TM twice late about S calling .. he and I were having fun and I missed the TM .... so she missed speaking with him as she was on the line with her brother, the TM later telling me what was going on, said she didnt want to talk about it so I told her goodnight. This morning I drop S off, she made a point to tell me she was just cooking and wanted me to come in ... so I go to the kitchen, she is struggling with her brothers sitch, I offer a hug, told her I was sorry ... she asked me to pray for him, I told her I have been, as well as for her and all of us, how thats my job now ( This is a big change from who I was pre-BD). She breaks the hug and says she is running late, I sense her mood about to go ... so I calmly grab her shoulders and said "Let me help you this morning, what do you need me to do?" So I helped get S's lunch packed, finished cooking off her breakfast, gave her the food and told her to sit and enjoy it ... I did up all her dishes (I noticed she lets them pile up .. she never did that before... it would drive her nuts) .... I wiped the counters and then told them goodbye. S shot up and ran to hug me .. she even got up and gave me a warm hug and thanked me.
Thing is .. I felt happy .. it felt good to help out of my own heart, it did me good ... so its a new day, a good day. PMA is high.
So all quiet yesterday, I stayed focused on work ... read a bit here ... just tried to stay busy. W picks up S ... she was late but TM 2 times letting me know traffic was bad. She arrives and looked tired, I was dressed in a nice pressed shirt and jeans and was on my way out. She looked at me a few times .. flashed the big brown eyes, I just returned the look back, and told her she looked like she had a long day, I would not keep her so she could rest. It was like she wanted to ask where I was off to, but did'nt S called on time, I was gassing up the Bike ... was PMA with him, he told me he was reading snoopy with her (Her fav this time of year) I told him I thought that he was a pretty cool kid reading that with his mom and making memories.
This morning W TM me about where to pick him up, chit chat about what he has been doing with her ... told me she had lunch with our old neighbors at the very place we had our reception ... (ugh) and then asked if we could switch days this weekend as she made plans after his soccer game. I simply replied ok .... and told her S has been wanting a Saturday with me, so he will be happy ... and I was planning on going to the College football game anyways and was thinking about taking him ... its a late game so I am not to sure ... I told her she was more than welcome to join us. Left it at that.
She seems chatty via TM this morning .. she isn't feeling well ... I had a long talk with a good friend last night who knows my sitch .. not judgmental at all ... then the talk just became a nice night out .. I enjoyed it. Softball tonight .. GAL GAL GAL
GAL, PMA .. faking it till I make it I suppose. I am struggling with the separation .. holidays looming .. little things bug me, W had the pumkins in front of her condo, we always had 3, S and I would scoop out the guts and carve them up .. there were only 2. Small things .. not like I go into a fit .. just little truth daggers I guess that sting and I force myself to shake them off. I dont like how long its been, fear how comfortable she is getting with living alone with out me ... all things I can not do anything about. I fear how comfortable I am getting .. I have been really thinking about my own place, just can not swing anything with the large dog ... but I would rather have a 2 bedroom set up like she has. I have never felt "at home" renting the room in the house I am at. But I dont let that show to her or S. ..... just venting here. I know its a long way from over, either way. I am working on me and I have made alot of good positive progress.
I wanted you to "sit" with what I said for a bit before I explained myself....
First off, this isn't a game, and I think that you know that.
YET...it WILL play like a game. The push/pull dynamics of DBing. It is just the way that it works.
You have seen some of that already, when you push, she runs, and when you pull back, she pursues a bit.
So when I say to pull back, it is with ZERO expectations, and not expecting anything other than you are busy creating a new life for you and your Son.
Anything less....would be manipulative...
Secondly, the Holidays are a trigger for the LBS to become emotional. We get attached to "feelings" of the season, and we expect the MLCer to do the same.
And because we expect, we ACT on our own emotions instead of staying calm and just being who we are. Keep an eye on that within yourself over the next few months.
Thirdly....
Try to understand this from her position here for a minute, and see how your responses have been different. Rather than to react, you have led, maybe for the first time in the marriage. So for her to truly believe that you are doing this, or are even capable of doing this, well, she has to process that information within her cloudy, fogged up brain....
So let anything new, or any conversations sit for the 48 hour rule before you do or say anything to contradict what you have laid out there for her...
Do you trust yourself yet ? Well, she doesn't either, and realistically....it isn't even about that yet...
Fourth on the list...
The Pumpkin thing....
Leave it for now, don't even worry about it. She didn't do that just to hurt you, or make you feel bad.
In this new reality of HER world, there are only two pumpkins. And IF she is really MLC, then two pumpkins are all that she can really be emotionally responsible for, maybe even only one pumpkin emotionally...
So don't jump overboard and do the three pumpkin thing, just to get her to miss you, or the old life together or anything....
Do 150 of them, or one.....as long as it isn't three ( to rub that guilt in)....
Whatever it is that you do, make sure that it is different, and for you and your Son ONLY....
Oh I totally agree, it plays like a game .. but isn't, and for the first time in months .. the past few weeks I honestly have had zero expectations. I have sat back as you said .. and predictably here she comes, in fact I think the entire "I have plans Saturday" thing was in response to me being dressed up (mind reading maybe ... but a hunch)... and the fact I told her "ok" that I would take S and we would have fun ... without asking what/where/who she was going (part of me is curious ... but the other side is just a shoulder shrug) ... I did not even touch it nor show interest. So after the non-engage .. she wants to fight about $$ today. Seems she is looking for reactions from me and she is not getting any .. I am in a good detach mode at present and its actually nice, not reacting emotionally.
The pumpkin thing .. was just a vent here is all. But yes .. your advice on the Holidays.. Completely sound and something I need to watch. I did not mention it, nor remotely show anything ... in fact the only comment/joke I made was asking her how she got them up the stairs (She had asked me the day before if I would mind bringing them up... the thinks looked about 25lbs and she is only 125...lol).
Went to my game yesterday, W texted asking if I could walk S down to the car ... she was not feeling well, I did so, told her I hoped she felt better and went back to the field. I typically go out with the team after, but decided to just go home, I jumped in the shower, S called ... we actually facetimed which was nice, watched a movie and went to bed.
I find myself waking up depressed lately .. I just want to stay in bed. I think its more the weather than anything .. but I did catch myself grabbing a couple pillows and holding them as I would her ... something to throw at the IC .. I miss her and my family badly .. but I think now more than ever I need to lock down this detach thing, be firm in the boundaries I have set.
Things that are on my mind:
*She is upset about the $$ ... she wants more and I am not doing it .. even if we D it would be less. *I am to available *In a discussion with S ... I asked him if he viewed me as weak ( can not recall how we got on this topic) But he said only when W yells at me ... he said I should stick up for myself, That hit a nerve ... I avoid the fights because I dont want him to see it .. in turn it paints me as a weak man ... something to watch. *Holidays ... ugh ... I am thinking about boycotting them..lol *Softball is about over, I think I will replace that night at church in the RCIA program ... its constructive *Plan more GAL on the weekends and stop accepting movie invites with her
