I'm trying to recognize the wins an work with them. it's hard. later this evening I saw an ad about the new dumb & dumber movie coming on Nov. 14th. my wife and I both LOVED the first one and we used to reference it frequently. I said "think you would like to see the new dumb and dumber movie when it comes out?" holy hell you'd think I asked her if she wanted to renew our vows or something?!?!?! she got very defensive and said "I don't know" (very sarcastically) I said "I just asked if you were interested" she responded "when is it????" (still, very sarcastically) , I told her it comes out november 14th. she just said "I don't know, How should I know?!?"
****OBVIOUSLY THAT WAS NOT A WIN - NOTED!!!****
holy cow! I guess I should have known better because of the way she was acting this evening. But, i figured touching base on something that I KNOW she thinks is funny and that she has mentioned as recently as two months ago would be an ice breaker. It was more of an earth shatter . darn!
Anyway, that is the point at which I would NORMALLY blow my fuse and have a major break down! honestly, the thoughts did start circulating through my head as "<well, I guess that answers any questions that I had. she obviously doesn't think we will be together next month>" (was just a thought, I didn't say it) and it really started to bother me. I quickly redirected my thoughts to "I will just make plans to go see it with someone else and if she wants to go, that's fine. if not, I will just have fun" . I can't tell you how hard it is when I have a situation like this tonight. However, i did make it through. I won't lie though, I'm definitely a little more worried about our next MC meeting Thursday.
I just started getting my stuff ready for work, packed my lunch and was practicing for an upcoming test in karate class. then just as I went to the restroom, I heard her get up from the living room because it was time for her to go to bed. She waited for me to come out so she could say good night and tell me "I hope you have a good night".
I guess it's all part of her roller coaster.....
anyways, as for my screen name. I couldn't think of anything. and I just put how I was feeling. at times I still feel like I'm dying inside because my heart has been ripped out and stomped on and not being able to do anything about. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle but I refuse to give up as hopeless as it may seem. I cannot stand the thought of losing my family. I had thought about changing my screen name, but not sure how anyways.
you are correct about being upbeat. I'm always the one to be able to lighten moods. I'm typically the FUN person. not to sound ignorant, but I could make people laugh and feel relaxed at a funeral. Just lately I feel so worthless, so beat down, and like nothing matters. some days better than others, but they are all hard
Last edited by dying; 10/14/1403:44 AM.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
just having a really bad night - I work third shift (it's 1 am now) and I am trying to stay positive and not think about the negative things, but they are over powering me tonight. It doesn't help that things aren't going so well at work either. I have a lot of spare time on my hands because I'm a supervisor. I come to this forum for uplifting thoughts and encouragement. I read as much as I can but it seems to be the same old stories everywhere. I know I shouldn't be analyzing, but every thought I have tonight ends up making its way back to me thinking of my wife and our relationship. the stress is pushing me to my breaking point. I just feel like blowing up. i'm trying to think of things to do as my GAL , and it is REALLY a challenge. I really don't have many friends because I've spent so much time in the past several years investing in my family and our home (remodeling two houses now). My one good friend is moving to Florida in the spring. I've made my wife and daughter my everything. now that i'm in danger of losing that and it's ripping me apart. I'm not feeling too good about my self or my future. My patience is wearing very thin and I'm losing my self esteem.
how do you all deal with it day in and day out?
like i said earlier, I'm really paranoid about the counselor meeting thursday.
I know I'm just thinking too much and it's making me have a breakdown!
as everyone has at one point, i wish it could all just be fixed today.
I don't understand how she can seem so cold. she used to be such a loving and caring person.
I'm trying to put on a front as if i will be fine no matter what, but my heart keeps making me feel the exact opposite.
I know this probably all sounds like babble, and I guess it is because my head is really spinning in chaos right now
deep down i know that I am creating this chaos by dwelling on the negative thoughts, but tonight I'm having an EXTREMELY difficult time controlling it.....
GRRRR!!!!!!
Last edited by dying; 10/14/1405:20 AM.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
I have thought about doing a sample budget to see where each of us would be financially if we were to separate, but I just can't get myself to do it.
I know I need to detach, but tonight I feel like it's so cold. I feel like if I detach more, I will be inflicting the hurt that she is putting on me when I feel like she is perfectly fine with splitting up. I try to think about her feeling like I do and wanting me back so badly if I just treated her like she does me, but then I think why would I put her through the pain that I can't stand myself.
can you see that I'm very confused and lost tonight?
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
"I know I need to detach, but tonight I feel like it's so cold. I feel like if I detach more, I will be inflicting the hurt that she is putting on me when I feel like she is perfectly fine with splitting up. I try to think about her feeling like I do and wanting me back so badly if I just treated her like she does me, but then I think why would I put her through the pain that I can't stand myself. "
Ignore this train of thought and pull back. You've got to be doing these things for your PMA and your life. Not to win her back. Get YOU in order and if one of the by-products is winning her back, then excellent. If you don't fix YOU, you are going to loose her for sure and you're going to take this mess with you everywhere you go and into every relationship.
I know it's tough to detach when y'all are under the same roof. But you must realize how many people on this forum would kill to have even the situation you have. I know you are not deeply religious (if even at all) but you need to start making a gratitude list or something to help get your mind off of you and on to the positives you have going for you.
You got this, just stop analyzing (says the guy to over analyzes everything).
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
thanks for the response. i'm really trying to ignore that train of thought. I know I'm doing this for me.....i'm not trying to change JUST to win her back. the part that bothers me is the "IF" I win her back. I know, that is counterproductive....but it's the truth and I'm sure everyone has been at that point.
I know today /tonight will pass and it will get better. I don't know why I'm dreading the counseling session so badly. Maybe she is too?
my thoughts are like this: - two weeks ago, she wanted to separate and we agreed that we would stay in same house and I would give her space. - i fear that she is going to insist on separating - but wait, I have given her space...I haven't really bothered her...I haven't inquired about the relationship....I haven't pressured her (that I know of)....she has no reason to want separation - but she seems more distant because she hasn't talked to me much - if she wants me to move out I do not feel like I should - if SHE wants a separation, then SHE should find a place - I should be loving and move out to give her more space - I cannot be the one to leave , I need to be with my daughter each day - why am I thinking like this, i can't control it - ok, stop, breath....she hasn't left.....yet - she doesn't love me, she doesn't want anything to do with me - I need to detach and she will miss me - she just wants me to leave
and the list goes on..... blah!
you are right, i'm not religious at all
I try to think of everything I'm grateful for, but then my stupid negativity keeps interfering and making me feel like what good is any of it without them.
i just need to get through tonight, go home and sleep all day and wake up with a fresh start.
analyzing is what I do, i've always done it. I have an engineering mind. I've always been the person that fixes things all the time. I have issues with persistence.... i'm really holding back A LOT and that is one of my 180's....but it's building and getting harder
Last edited by dying; 10/14/1406:09 AM.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
My problem (really) is expecting some sort of sign from her. I know that is WRONG.....and I know that is what's killing me!!!! I've worked on everything that I can so far that was an original complaint. I'm just trying to muster up the courage to be more patient and not expect anything. I am trying to be loving, but how can I do that without crossing the line or breaking the rules?
i'm just extremely frustrated .
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
ok, re-reading the rules to help my negativity. this is my thoughts ...... any input is greatly appreciated. the more I read stuff, the better I feel...so please participate.
rule number 8 - do not buy gifts to make "brownie points"
maybe I broke that one this morning? I had text my wife this morning (as I almost always do) because when i left last night my daughter was having issues going to sleep. when that happens, she is usually up frequently and my wife doesn't get much sleep. anyways, my wife said Daughter was up a lot and they didn't get much sleep. She was running late, so I offered to stop and pick up a cup of coffee for her on the way home since I was ahead of schedule. she just said "if you don't mind, that would be great" so I did...... is that breaking the rule, or is it allowed as long as it isn't frequent ?
rule number 9 - do not schedule dates together at this point & number 5 - do not encourage talk about the future ...... I think I may have touched on these two by inquiring about seeing the dumb and dumber movie that comes out in November...??
rule number 12 - act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them < - - this by far is one of the hardest things for me!!!!!! i need some major help on this one
rule number 24 - be patient...very , very patient. < - - this is another hard one for me lately! I should feel thankful that we are still in the same house, but it's still not easy.
rule number 18 -do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and see if it is noticed.....everything I do feels cold. all I want to do is lover her and show it, but that defies rule number 1. however, isn't waiting to see if she notices having an expectation? rule number 33- do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel - I'm starting to struggle here. at first it was easy because I felt like there is nothing that could make me give up. I'm starting to lose faith
rule number 36 - I have done this a couple times just to get out. my nephew works at bars as a "bouncer" he is HUGE!! we discuss bodybuilding together. he and his wife seem to have the prefect marriage (very young @ age 23 & 26) - but found out it's just a front on face book. he said it's not anywhere near perfect ...then he proceeds to tell me about all the times he cheats on her then offers to hook me up with some hot chicks... it made me sick actually - I can see why this rule should be followed
rule number 37 - do not backslide from your hard earned changes - this one is hard to follow. seems like we ALWAYS have back slides....but they seem to get less frequent and less substantial.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
is my situation still considered a WAW even though we are still living together?
I'm really hoping it isn't too late
I'm actually in a much more positive mood at the moment. However, I feel like I'm starting to look to the cold side just to keep from having a break down.
How do I walk the line of detaching and being cold hearted?
I know i'm asking a lot of questions and going in circles, but if it were easy..... no one would be here.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
