3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Okay. My apologies to everyone for sounding crazy. I think I have an idea of what the root of this unsettled feeling is. Oh before I launch into that, d9 didn't go with x Mr GB (he gets them every other Saturday night. ) He starts texting Sunday morning at 7:45 that boys are having breakdowns and he will try to distract them until 10 am. I know I should make him hold up his end. It is very difficult for me and I feel oh so guilty because the kids are ready to come home. I don't know what to do. I just want them to feel safe, secured and loved. X Mr GB dropped off the dog he had to have again this am. This is the 3rd week in a row. He says kids want to see dog and dog is "so much work." Yes, x Mr GB. Responsibilities are like that. I've got to get it together and do what's best. Whatever that is. Snark be gone.
Many apologies for my crazy posts. I hope I didn't insult anyone and I just sometimes struggle internally with some weird stuff. I think I have figured put this surge of emotion. It is......drumroll. My body. The same issue I've battled since I was 7 yrs old. Although much better, I don't think a person with an ED ever really feels totally at ease body wise. Or at least I don't. I wear a 6 or sometimes an 8 and all of those feelings of being chubby, flabby, etc have crept up. I like to look good for me and I'll admit I never planned on being single again because I assume that one day (and it could be 20 years from now) I may have to get naked in front of someone. I think if rather drink blended shards of glass:-) I don't want some guy to disect my body flaws-I already do that. I don't need help in that department. My stomach is gross post 3 sections and I sure as hades am not clamorong to show that shizzle off to anyone. How do people have such body confidence? Ugh. I didn't have it when I was a size 2. Grrrrrr. For the record, I don't plan on getting naked with anyone anytime soon. Maybe in the assisted living home where there will be more equality in bodies. Ex Mr GB always told me how hot I was and post BD he said that last c section ruined my stomach. Thanks a&$hat! I already knew that. Ughhhh! Now I'm crying. Gottta go for a walk soon.
I hope everyone had a good weekend. Crazy GB is desperately trying to regroup. .
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 10/13/1403:12 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I want to weigh in here because you've been such a great support to me on the newcomers forum.
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with your body image. I can definitely relate. When I complained that my H was not holding up his responsibilities and complaining that things were too hard, the advice I was given (maybe even from you!) was to approach it from a problem-solving perspective.
Validate his feelings-- dogs and boys ARE a lot of work! -- how can you reach a solution together?
I've tried to just keep emotion out of it and say things to my H like, "I'm sorry to hear that-- but I've planned my day around our parenting agreement, so I'm not available until XX o'clock. What have you tried with the boys so far? What do you think is going on? The boys really do want and need quality time with you, but I know sometimes they can be frustrating at this age." Something like that. Don't solve it for him but be a collaborative sounding board, and have a non-emotional boundary in place. Offer advice IF HE ASKS for it. Let him step up to the plate.
What do you think? What would you say to someone else in your position?? You always give great advice!
You are so very kind. Thanks for posting. In the spirit of candor, I have exceptionally limited interaction with xh. Most of our communication is done through text and you make some valid points. And I'm gonna get a 2x4 for this so my helmet is off:-)
As much as possible, I keep NC with xh. Yes I see him 3 days a weeks for about a minute at a clip and as I'm leaving I say "have a nice day." At this particular juncture, unless we had a conversation, I think it will be difficult to validate him. I should suck it up, however it seems kind of silly to validate a man who sees his kids for about 50 hours a month to say I know it's hard. It seems not authentic and I struggle with that. I limit conversations to logistics and financials and my older 2 have phones as are welcome to converse with their dad. He will send D9 a text about once a week telling her he loves her and same for S11. He has asked to speak to S4 on the phone twice since moving out and not the other 2. I hope that we can have a friendlier R at some point, however, very limited contact is best for me at this moment.
This may sound like mind reading, although h is just done with the kids after about 20 hours. Right now his R with his gf is most important (this is very obvious) and perhaps he feels that his R with the kids is great. D9 was reminiscing this weekend about when her dad was fun and normal. It makes me sad to watch them struggle although I realize it's his loss. My xh has never asked for advice and he has never mentioned the divorce to them. I had to tell them.
I dunno. I relish little to no contact with him at this point I suppose. I know he loves the kids in his way and to the best of his ability. I hope he finds peace one day and at this moment, that's what I've got for him. That gosh darn brutal honesty.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
You do have the power to push back at XGB if he whines about "this being too much responsibility." Let me share a brief story about Ms. Wonka and our dog.
Early on in our separation right after Ms. Wonka moved out of our house into the OW's house, we had a dog switcheroo where it was her turn to take care of the dog. The swictheroo took place half-way between our respective locations at that time which was a good 6 hour drive.
At one point, Ms. Wonka whined a bit and wanted me to come & pick up the dog early. I texted back and said firmly:
"Teddy is your responsibility during this time. You need to figure this out and I will pick her up at XXXX (previously agreed upon date)."
When I set that boundary, Ms. Wonka never whined again as she clearly understood that the time with the dog is HERS and others are mine. I made things work from my end.
Same for XGB. He needs to figure out how to make this work during his time with kids instead of fobbing the kids off to you when it gets "too difficult/too challenging" or when it interferes with his frat-boy lifestyle.
Wonka... Thanks for sharing your story. Ironically enough, x Mr GB sent me a text tonight asking if I could watch said dog this weekend as he will be, ahem, working and attending "classes." I said, "I can't this weekend. We will be out of town. Enjoy the classes !"
We are going to see my brother (he's doing well with his prosthetic) and will have to take my dog.
Still regrouping here in crazy body image land:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GB. Listen. You can NOT let what xMr GB said get into your head. Clearly, he has no idea what good taste is right now. Clearly he is so out of touch with reality. Clearly he is living a superficial life. Clearly he does not see that those marks are beautiful representations of the most amazing things he has in his life, which you provided him with- his children. Clearly, he does not see clearly.
I am sorry you were feeling down about this before hand and that he added insult to injury. Do you know how many beautiful women there are who bear the same markings?
We are all scarred in our own way. That does not make us less beautiful. Each mark tells a story of our journey. Embrace them. Be proud. Not for a second should you think that it makes you less beautiful.
We live in this crazy society where we base our ideas of beauty on unrealistic images. Do you really think that ANY of the pictures you see of women who represent "beautiful women" aren't artificially reproduced. They are ALL changed, enhanced, covered, manipulated, twisted, turned, pumped up, you name it... it's done. Is that what we are to compare ourselves to?
If I could have a glam squad come very day and "do me up" the way we see people on tv and the movies, he11! I don't know what, but, he11!
Seriously, as women, we are harder on each other than we ever should be. Any man you get naked in front of is not going to be thinking about that. You will give him a night to remember. Marks on your belly will not be what's on his mind. I just know it.
And if you get with someone where you have a r, I know that you will not be with a superficial guy. He will see the amazing, beautiful GB we all know you are. He will see them as beautiful, because they are part of you. They aren't marks on your character. YOU AREN'T FLAWED, GB! Don't ever think that. Now, go ahead with your bad self. How much struttin' did you do in the lobby today?
Thank you, Miss Mighty. Xoxo to you. I appreciate your kind words.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Any man you get naked in front of is not going to be thinking about that. You will give him a night to remember. Marks on your belly will not be what's on his mind. I just know it.
I have heard/read/seen many stories that support what Mighty wrote. Maybe some of the guys on the board can validate, idk.
I don't believe negative body image can easily be fixed by simply stating opinions, showing research studies, etc. It can be a paralyzing feeling, making oneself so vulnerable....it doesn't get much more vulnerable than when one is naked.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. I do believe those feelings can and will change, especially when you develop enough confidence and trust with the future "luckiest guy on the planet."
What are some things you've tried in the past to overcome these feelings when they surface? How did that work for you before?
1) first of all, guys are generally far less concerned with the details than you think. Most of them are thinking something along the lines of "boobs, butt, willing....GREAT!"
2) play up your best features; if you really don't want to expose your belly the first time you have sex with a new guy, get a sexy short nighty to wear, or turn out the lights
3) watch the video to It's All about the Bass daily for a month
4) remind yourself that YOU don't judge a lover by his acne scars or receding hairline
5) hang out with African-American men; they'll make you see your curves in a whole new light
