I was apologizing because had I known for sure that my W would be doing this, I would have stayed home and not put the burden on her parents. I only asked her what she planned on doing with the kids (what activities, etc.) this weekend and she simply said that she doesn't know yet. At that point, I didn't think it would have been beneficial for me to probe her further and ask if OM was coming and if she planned to spend the weekend with him.
We are living our lives separately, but we are parenting together when we are in the house. It's not an open marriage in a sense, because she is not committed to me in any way. If I were to push the issue, she would simply say, "fine, I'll move out" or "fine, I'll file for D". It was she who on several occasions have told me that living together is not a good idea given that we're "unofficially separated".
If you have any advice on specific boundaries I could put in place, I'm all ears.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Again, I don't understand why it's your responsibility to apologize to her parents for HER irresponsibility. Didn't you have an out-of-town trip? Wasn't the parenting HER responsibility for the weekend? And if you knew she was going to spend the weekend with her OM, you would have CANCELLED or changed your plans to accomodate her???? Really??
Not to accommodate her -- to accommodate her parents. You're right, it is also accommodating her.
It's better that I put her in that difficult situation and force her to have to confront her parents about it.
She typically shies away from any conversation about the OM with her parents because she knows her parents disapprove.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Isn't cake-eating when she's getting needs met by BOTH parties?
Right now, she doesn't need me for anything. She gets no support from me -- emotionally, physically, or financially.
The only thing she "needs" me for is to help around the house and to be a co-parent to our children. Those are two things that I obviously won't be giving up.
Spending less time with my children is not something I'm willing to do. Besides, I don't ever want to give her any sort of ammunition to be able to say I was not there for our children during this time.
Not helping around the house will be a complete reversal of the 180 I've been doing since BD, and back to my "old ways", so again, counter-productive.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Both of you are very messed up in the relationship dept. When it comes to your kids, put your foot down.
How? Put yourself in my shoes. What would you do?
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Tell her that you want to be told when she can't watch them and not have them passed onto her parents. Even if you are D'd, the other parent has the right to the children when the other is not available.
All this does is mess up your kids. This is another reason why I keep asking about them. And even in this case, you concentrate more on your in-laws feelings than your kids.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My W came home tonight giving me a cold shoulder like she never did before. I don't know if it's because I ignored her text from this morning, or because she believes I took her phone and texted the OM "something" the other day. She accused me of it. She said "I'm pretty sure I didn't text that to him, but I could be wrong."
I absolutely did not, but if she wants to believe I did, then I don't think I could convince her otherwise.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
One thing that stood out that my W said to me the other night was how my contacts with Ann were "the ultimate betrayal".
She said this is the one thing that has completely shut the door on any chance for us to reconcile.
I don't see it. Can one of you perhaps make me see her PoV on this? I'm really trying to understand it.
Please don't fall for this. I believe you are trying to make sense of nonsense. She has you right where she wants you.. No confidence and head spinning...
That way you won't mess up her affair by contacting Ann again. JC, maybe I'm late to this part of the party (i.e. your posts) but have you read this man's whole thread?
What is it you do Not want him to "fall for", that SHE was hurt by his multiple affairs? Why would you NOT believe that? I sure do and so does he (as of last week).
His wife IS NOT playing some game. He cheated on her, for years, with several different women and used marital assets to do so (b/c they were call girls, although despite that - he also wrote them notes and flirted and texted and acted like they were affairs, regardless of the financial aspects).
After she learned of it for the 3rd time (4th?) they went to counseling and he again promised he'd stop...and she again, sobbed...
He lost every job he had, until recently, and didn't warn her of the sudden loss of income. So she has gotten zero "security" from him, financial or marital and those are huge attractions for women.
WE WANT OUR H'S TO PROTECT AND PROVIDE...sexist as that may sound...
Since women value Security (financial, marital and emotional) in their men AND fidelity, these betrayals cuts to the core in her). And This went on for YEARS... and so she's been thru A LOT and she stayed with him...
Now, SHE is having an affair - and you are acting as if there is no context to it, as if the worst should be assumed about her, but there is context and I see no reason for your assumptions of negativity. This woman has fulfilled her vows above and beyond what most women would, until quite recently. Even in her FOG, she's trying to do the right thing, (comparatively speaking).
Thankfully, Mindsinks has a DB coach. A good one! Let him stay the course set with his DB coach. We are here to supper that, not combat it.
Mindsinks also has a few posters who have read his whole thread. I hope you will too, before you act as if his wife's behavior lacks context or before (Bond, Claire, me and I'm not sure who else)
So when you blurt out your opinion and recommend such a black & white perspective, it makes me think you have read some but not all. Plus, He is trying to stay married And if he becomes the punitive "tough love" party in this, it'd be supremely hypocritical of him, don't you think? She stayed with him thru several affairs...
Bottom line is, She has not acted in a vacuum. And he's trying to do the right thing by her, by the marriage, by the family and by him.... Okay?
You need to get working toward being more confident. A confident person wouldn't waste one second of time analyzing or believing that spin move that she pulled on you.. AND it seems to be working.....
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
