Ss I understand totally your frustration! I think u, Card, and I are all peas in a pod. Just keep in mind the kids will benefit from the changes too. Check out mythread and you'll see the similarities. Did you get the accusatory "I lost myself" from H? I know that has bothered me. As if i am responsible for that. I even encouraged her to spend time with friends. j
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
My H also said no OW but signs indicate otherwise. Don't assume you know everything. Look at the number of people on this board who started off believing the same thing, only to discover later that someone else (or just the idea of someone else) was involved. Not trying to burst anyone's bubble, just trying to be realistic.
In my case, all of our issues are very "fixable" according to MC. But those are just the issues he's admitting to. Bottom line: we can't know the whole story, so we just have to move forward with our own changes for our own sakes and hope for the best.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
What Claire and Shining said. Maybe what Ahoy said, too, but I don't know... there was a lot of stuff you said you found on the computer shortly after BD that you've never gone back to, so I'm not sure what conclusion you came to about that.
But either way, you shouldn't be waiting around. You have a life of your own, not just one that fits into his spaces! It may be hard to come to believe that, but it is true. Marriage should be between two whole people, not two half people. Treat yourself like a whole person.
But I totally get the impatience, too. Sending you good vibes.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, your memory is amazing. Yes, there were things I found on his computer soon after BD. I addressed some of it but not all of it and of course according to him, it's nothing. I am not sure to do with all that. I guess it's something I plan to address perhaps in MC should we ever get there? I don't know. His apparent porn addiction was written off as my fault just as everything else. I guess I put all that away because I don't know how to deal with it all.
I think so much of what I struggle with is the duality of being very ME focused for a while, feeling good, strong and detached and then suddenly, out of no where, I'm very H centric and feeling desperate again.
I definitely fight the process. I do that with a lot of things in my life. I'm notorious for fighting things against my control (duh). I need to put my head down and pull out a 180 in this department.
It's like I get itchy or antsy for progress I can measure. Something I can put on a graph and submit for peer review (oy, having parents as academics is really showing huh?). What can I say, I like results. Who doesn't? And I"m always in a hurry. Wonder why that is. I guess part of me feels like I'm always behind. Not just in things to do but in where I am in my life.
My work is not done. Clearly. I am so grateful for all of you who come and tell me to stop tantruming and to ACCEPT and to DETACH and grow for ME. You'd think that being ME focused would be easy but it's not because a lot of what i see I don't like. At all.
I addressed some of it but not all of it and of course according to him, it's nothing. I am not sure to do with all that. I guess it's something I plan to address perhaps in MC should we ever get there? I don't know. His apparent porn addiction was written off as my fault just as everything else. I guess I put all that away because I don't know how to deal with it all.
Ss - I think you should consider addressing this with your IC. If nothing else he/she can help explain your H's mindset with this and definitely make you feel confident that a porn addiction is not the result of anything you did or didn't do. Just my 2 cents.
Also whether or not it's a porn "addiction" or just more than you're comfortable with. I've never brought it up with any IC/MC so I have no idea where that line might be. When I protested his use of it with my H, he just said very gently and calmly that porn was something all guys did and that it wasn't reasonable for me to expect him to stop. I didn't have enough nerve to pursue my perspective of the topic, and it got swallowed up with how huge our other problems were, so I never investigated the truth of his claim. If you get some insight, please share it!!
I'm not going to tell you to stop tantruming, because just as the 2x4s are helpful so are the broken places. If you were upbeat and enthusiastic all the time there'd be nothing to help you with.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
raliced, I will bring it up today. Thank you for the suggestion.
Maybell, I'm happy to provide ample opportunity for people to help me. LOL And let's face it, I'm a pretty enthusiastic tantrummer so I have that at least.
As far as the porn goes, I'm not averse to it. Hey, it can even be fun but the sheer amount and level of the porn I found... hours and hours and hours and hours every single day while avoiding his family or claiming to "work". Plus, that lead to emails to escorts (that date back as far as 2009!!), which H did not deny but excused by saying he'd "never met up with anyone" (but it certainly wasn't for lack of trying) and again, my fault because we didn't have sex enough. Ugh. I had effectively put all that away and thinking about it all again is painful.
I know without a doubt that my H's possible porn addiction is NOT my fault. It bordered (borders?) on obsessive or compulsive and that's frightening. I don't see him ever admitting his porn viewing is at an unhealthy level. I just don't see that ever happening. I've been wrong before though and sometimes H surprises me.
One step at a time. I'm afraid to face it all at one time. What if I drown? And I'm an ex-college swimmer... but the tide is too big some days.
When D11 was about six months old and H was unemployed (not his fault... his company had been sold and he had stayed till the bitter end to collect the severance), he was supposedly in the basement "job hunting." He had stepped away and I went down to move some laundry over and saw that he had forgotten to close a window... I immediately confronted him about it, and it led to a really interesting conversation about our mutual dissatisfaction with our sex life. Things got much better after that. It was great to be open and I think that day was good for both of us. (I guarantee he has no memory of that day anymore).
Interestingly, after BD -- maybe even after he moved out, I'm not sure -- he said that that brief period of unemployment was really upsetting and stressful for him. I never knew. I had so much confidence in him, and the severance was so generous, that I saw it as a real blessing in how much time I got with him with our new baby. Now that I know that, and tie it to that porn incident that he probably doesn't even remember, I see how THOSE two things were linked. The fact that we were both dissatisfied with our sex life probably prompted him seeking it out, but his insecurity with where his career was at that time probably fueled the volume.
Hmmm... I wonder if I should process that for now?
Didn't you mention your H is between projects and has been for a bit?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I see how THOSE two things were linked. The fact that we were both dissatisfied with our sex life probably prompted him seeking it out, but his insecurity with where his career was at that time probably fueled the volume.
Yes, those 2 things are most likely linked.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
My H is frequently between projects and has had a lull since completing a big project in February. He doesn't keep me too apprized of his work but as far as I know he has nothing going on.
I guess I'm naive or haven't had enough coffee... but what does his insecurity with his career have to do with a significant volume of porn? How are the two linked at all?
