Well, I went out last night with the couple that was trying to get me to take off the ring. Interestingly enough, both her and my SIL were WAS. I had a long talk about how I'm still in the denial that the W thinks she doesn't want me. I was nervous me "moving on" would make W feel okay about what she was doing and I would be okay in the long run. Well, if she was thinking about me, she wouldn't have left. Anyway, I then read this sandi's post from Sandi2 and I totally was in the mindset that I would "wait" for her to change. I try to move on, but my actions aren't showing it. I've seen the cake eating and took it as the baby steps but I also see the concern in her face when I start showing I'm moving on. I just haven't followed through. I need to work on that.
Last edited by MCS; 11/16/1406:31 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
W just left from dropping off the kids. She is trying her best to keep the max distance from the house. Sent my S5 instead of coming to the door to talk to me. It seems as if she is trying to avoid everything in her old life.
So, I went outside and we stood in the cold and discussed finances, since the S is really starting to affect our joint bills. Basically we separated our savings, she spent hers on the house and mine is sitting in an account that I opened after she took half. I sent her a message about our joint account getting really low on Friday and she never replied back nor did anything about it. Since the S, I've been doing all of the finances since the bills were coming here. This is the first time in a long time that we've been short of money. I can move some stuff around once we go to separate accounts, so I'm not too concerned. Its just our spending has went up with her apt. and mortgage stuff. She told me we should separate our bills and that she updated the separation agreement and would send it over. We'll see if she follows through on that.
Also talked about the 'move' and I said we should go through the contents of the house and separate things. She said she would send me a list of what she wanted to keep. Again avoiding the house as much as possible. I said I would rather both of us go through the stuff together so we could discuss if there was anything we both wanted. I suggested a time this coming week and she said she had counseling and may not be available.
Well as I said, she has taken leave from work for the whole week and already cancelled our joint counseling and brought the kids back a day early; so I think she's actually going on vacation. Its not a big deal either way but it seems like she might be lying about counseling. I don't know, at this point...whatever.
Anyway, it stinks being this way: all business. She has no interest in talking and is trying her best to avoid any contact at all. Even things like finances, kids, house is like pulling teeth. I haven't initiated any of it unless I really need to, but she seems to never reply back and avoids most conversation when I see her.
I have absolutely no clue why she's being this way. You'd think she's so determined to be away from our M, that she'd have some of this stuff planned out and would be indifferent to me and the house.
Also, D4 asked her to come live back home while W was holding her. Like most times, W didn't answer her and just put her down and said for her to go inside. I'm starting to get callous to my kids asking this from her, it used to be I would get really angry with the W because she just won't answer them or just say "No." Its breaking me apart inside and they're in so much emotional pain and I can't do anything about her treating them like she is.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I'll let you in on a dirty secret: It's also awful when your kids seem to literally enjoy the separation. That's what's happening with mine. Mind you, I only want them to be happy. But it seems to validate so strongly my W's opinion that they'll be just fine that it feels... well, not as good as you'd expect. I don't do anything to bring them down, of course.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yeah, I suppose your right, that would be just as tough. Luckily, since it stills seems W's A is on the down low and I don't think he's committed to a true R, the OM doesn't seem to be doing much to win the kids over. He's using the cover of taking his kid to hang out with W and my kids. I guess to prove to his GF they are just friends. Maybe they are now, I don't know.
It's funny, my D4 seems to be more in tune with what is going on than me or my W some times. After the first weekend D4 stayed with the W, she went to daycare on Monday and told the daycare provider "I don't like Mr. OM, he looks weird." They told me and I was like, oh it's just a friend of hers.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
They might just be friends or they might be madly in love. There's no way to know and you could drive yourself mad guessing.
It doesn't change what you need to do, in truth it will only matter if and when she wants to reconcile (assuming he's not really bad for your kids that is) so in the meantime let it go.
And yes I do know how completely hypocritical I'm being but its a lot easier to say than do.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Another day, another huge mood swing for her. I guess talking about the finances and move yesterday got her mad. So today she sends some stuff about separating things out, but decides to talk a schedule for the kids in January, after she moves and decides to cc her lawyer. Well, we've seemed to be a doing a better job over the last couple weeks at counseling about the kids because she won't talk to me any other time. We just talked this week about waiting until she was moved in to figure out the schedule next year. I guess she's getting scared. She thinks that Im going to try for full custody. It stinks because after she walked out on me and the kids, I pretty much lost trust in her. Especially after I found the text that OM's GF was going to watch my kids while they 'got together'. My W denies it happened, but I'm thinking it did. This was after she left them at my parents while we were still together to meet up with OM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Ugh, I'm so angry right now. I guess the last couple days have been me overcoming the denial that she's been cheating on me for over a year before BD. I justified it at first as not too bad because she said it was an EA most of it. I knew it destroyed our marriage, but I just had my head in the sand. But now I'm looking back at all of the good things that happened over that time period and just wonder if she was compensating or just doing it to keep me off track. Family vacations, date nights, all kinds of stuff. Our marriage seemed okay, because she was making it out to be okay, how deceiving.
I would get frustrated that she always seemed to be on her phone. In the car, at the dinner table, etc. then when I would say something she'd snap at me that it wasn't a big deal. Well, now I see it was, she was hiding herself outside the marriage.
Then, she feels entitled that I should fully trust her with the kids? She spent the whole week of BD telling me it was all my fault and didn't have the decency to tell me she was cheating on me. She still wouldn't have if I hadn't figured it out after EVERYONE told me there was something else going on. She didn't even tell any of her friends during that time. You'd think she would have said I'm sorry when I confronted her. Nope, she told me this was a symptom of how she felt I treated her in our M. Well, do I need to work in things...yes. Did I ever treat her poorly, nope. I got complacent, I didn't keep the spark alive, but that's only half of the relationship. Where was her trying? Ugh.
Then I find out that her one friend told her to cut off all contact with OM, and she hasn't. The other friend that she told what was going on, she has pretty much shut out from any discussion. I asked her to keep the kids from being around him, she has them 2.5 days a week.....nope....he met up with them at the playground this weekend and someone caught them at the store with the kids a few weeks back. At some point she needs to realize that in order to re-earn some of my respect, she needs to stop disrespecting me, her friends, her family, her kids. I wonder when she realizes that this guy is totally playing her, she's his toy. She's obsessed with him and he's told her they won't have a formal R, and he wouldn't leave his GF. Well, at least someone is standing for their family. Or maybe this is another smoke screen that she has gotten me to buy off in like the lastpostwww year.
Okay, rant over. Now back to work. Actually, it was therapeutic writing that.
Last edited by MCS; 11/18/1403:26 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Lastly, D4 can't go to sleep. W said last week that if they want to talk to her, they can. But asked if I could let her know in a text first because she gets 'anxious' when she sees my name appear. Well, D4 calls. First question: mommy can you talk to daddy. Second question: Mommy, I want you to come back home. Third question: Mommy, can you be with daddy again. Ahh! It takes everything in me not to break down and tear into the W. How can you let your kids down so much and still be okay with yourself?
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I really wonder why your kids react like this and mine (D3, D6) do not. They're happy as can be. They're very loving towards both of us. I asked D6 if she knew why her mom had moved out. "No" and that was it. They really like the OM and they know he sleeps in their mom's bed. They never, ever ask to call their mom while they're with me, and vice versa. They take the separate weeks in strides: it's normal as daycare and school to them. I prefer that, but as I stated before, it can also sting.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
