In a few hours, I'll be leaving for a weekend getaway with my brother and 3 friends. It'll be a little road trip and I'm returning on Sunday. It will be a well-needed time away for me.
My W, the thoughtful person she is, bought us some snacks for the road (she gets a discount on her company's products).
I asked her what her plans were with the kids this weekend, and she said she didn't know.
She also pushed for me to ask my parents to come down on Sunday to take the kids back to their house where they can spend the night and return Monday evening. We both agreed that her parents need a break from watching them, and this gives them Monday off.
I thought it was a bit unusual how she was pushing for them to come on Sunday (as early as possible). My hunch is that OM will be in town, and she does not want to ask her parents to watch them. My in-laws told me today that if she asks them to watch the kids (for a day or overnight) this weekend and it's because of the OM, that they will voice their displeasure. I stressed to them not to do anything for my benefit(don't do me any favors), and only do what they feel is right. We'll see where that goes.
But I need to take my mind off all those possibilities. I know my W won't put my kids in any potential harmful situation, even if it's emotionally harmful. I trust her on that.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
My suspicions regarding my W's plans this weekend came to fruition. She told me nothing about what she was planning with the kids when I asked her.
I called her yesterday afternoon to see how everything was going back home and to talk to the kids. She said that she was out "doing things" and that the kids are over her parents' house eating dinner.
I called her parents' house and my oldest picked up the phone. He said he had a fun day. I asked him where his mother went. He said that she went to work. I then asked to speak to my FIL.
When he got on the phone he was clearly irate. My Wife basically dumped the kids on them on a whim's notice. She told them to keep the kids there overnight. I asked him what happened and where she said she was going.
She went to the city with the OM. She's coming back tomorrow evening, shortly after I arrive from my weekend trip. I couldn't tell if he was angry at me, her, or the situation, or a combination of all.
Then my MIL got on the phone. She was much calmer than my FIL and explained that she and her H both voiced their displeasure to my W. She said my W basically ignored them and just left. I told them that I am sorry for this mess and I emphasized how this is unfair to them. I assured her that I will do my best to come back as early as possible on Sunday to get the kids.
I know that it's only been a couple weeks since the OM left (moved out of state) and that she may be going through withdrawls since she no longer sees him every day at work + 2 to 3 nights/week, etc.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
As soon as I came home on Sunday, she was off to see the OM. She said "I'm going to spend the night again and come back home tomorrow night. OK?"
I replied, "No, it's not OK. You spent the day and night with him yesterday and this morning. I was hoping we could spend the rest of Sunday as a family. But I can't stop you from doing what you want."
She replied, "I actually didn't spend much time with [OM] yesterday, and I came back early today and spent the whole day with the kids"
"We could have spent more time this weekend as a family, but you were out, so."
I thought to myself, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???
I didn't answer her. But she was lying. I know (through her parents) that she dropped the kids off around noon on Saturday, and picked them up a little before 2:00pm Sunday. I came home at 3:45pm. So unless TWO HOURS worth of time = "all day with the kids", she is blatantly lying. She also lied to her parents, telling them that I will be coming by early in the morning (Sunday) to get the kids. She KNEW I wasn't leaving my resort until noon on Sunday, and it's a four hour drive back from there. She lied to them in order to have a better chance of them to agree to watching the kids.
Later that evening, my FIL came over and wanted to talk to me. He said that had he known she was going to come over in the afternoon (on the following day) to pick up the kids, he would have absolutely refused. As it was, both he and my MIL told her that what she was doing was wrong, and that she should be with the kids. Words like that need to come from people who are NOT me, and I'm thankful that they are standing up to her.
My parents will be coming over today to spend the day with the kids -- giving my in-laws a much-needed day off from watching the kids.
As I'm typing this, she texted me, "How are the kids? Are your parents coming over today? Can you let me know what time they're leaving so I don't bump into them?"
I didn't answer her, and I don't intend to.
Last edited by mindsin; 10/13/1412:50 PM.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Oh man oh man. Do you think you will tell her you know she was lying? I guess I'm not sure what that would accomplish. I would wait and see what her parents say, but my guess is she's not hearing much since she's comfortable lying to them. I'm in a similar situation...hard to know what to do.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
She knows she lied. I'm not sure what I gain by confronting her about it. This is the first time she blatantly lied to them.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
As soon as I came home on Sunday, she was off to see the OM. She said "I'm going to spend the night again and come back home tomorrow night. OK?"
I replied, "No, it's not OK. You spent the day and night with him yesterday and this morning. I was hoping we could spend the rest of Sunday as a family. But I can't stop you from doing what you want."
She replied, "I actually didn't spend much time with [OM] yesterday, and I came back early today and spent the whole day with the kids"
"We could have spent more time this weekend as a family, but you were out, so."
Mindsin,
Maybe I'm just really having trouble understanding your situation, but this whole exchange seems so bizarre to me. And, I also don't understand why you are apologizing for your W lying to her parents?
Do you have a parenting schedule in place? I really don't understand why you are not setting some boundaries. Set a parenting schedule-- this is your time with the kids, this is mine. It's totally bizarre to me that you would have "family" time when she is very open out her affair. Can you help me understand that? That sounds like cake-eating, doesn't it?
So, if she decides to 'dump' your kids on her parents during her scheduled time, that is their issue with her, and you should not be involved at all. Get a schedule in place, make sure your parents and her parents know what the schedule is, put it on a shared calendar somewhere if you have to, and then go live your life. Their issues with her should be separate from yours. Don't be on a "team" with them against your W. It will NOT pull her closer to you.
And do you think that what you said above (which sounded pretty clingy and needy) will pull her closer to you?
Start focusing on YOU, Mindsin. That is the path you need to be on.
We don't have a parenting schedule in place. We both live under the same roof and on most days, we parent them together. We agreed on this because we felt it was best for the kids. In fact, it is almost always my W who suggests family time (weekend day trips and such). It absolutely is cake-eating, but what else can I do at this point? I failed to set that boundary early on, and that's my fault.
Right now, I am going to continue focusing on myself, making myself the best man, husband, and father as I can be. Being on a "team" with her parents will not bring her closer to me, but my FIL believes it may make my W realize that there is an additional cost to her actions (losing her parents' respect) that she may not have faced up to in the past. My FIL believes this will be the case once he sits down and has a heart-to-heart talk with her. He said he wants to wait a couple of weeks and then sit my W down with himself and his W (both parents) over some coffee and have this talk. Culturally speaking, my W is very big on "saving face". Family shame could indeed come into play here -- not only with her parents, but with her large network of aunts, uncles, and cousins. I understand that a WAW cannot be shamed out of her fog, but this is something that is out of my hands. Her parents are going to do this because they want us to remain married and they are looking out for the well-being of their grandchildren first and foremost. They understand the impact of divorce.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Then my MIL got on the phone. She was much calmer than my FIL and explained that she and her H both voiced their displeasure to my W. She said my W basically ignored them and just left. I told them that I am sorry for this mess and I emphasized how this is unfair to them. I assured her that I will do my best to come back as early as possible on Sunday to get the kids.
^^^This sounds like an apology to me.
Again, I don't understand how you can't put boundaries in place... unless, of course, you are willing to have an open marriage. That is what you seem to have at the moment. Your W comes and goes as she pleases, is open about spending time with her OM, and instead of letting her live her life while you live YOUR life separately, you complain to her that she should be spending more time with her family.
I encourage you to step outside of your hurt and pain and desperation to save your M and prevent your child from being hurt and try to see this from a more objective viewpoint.
She has zero incentive to do anything differently. You cannot control what she does. Heart to heart talks probably won't have much effect on her. You can only control you.
I dunno. Maybe Mr. Bond or someone else can articulate it better, although I think they already have. Good luck to you.
I'm curious about the boundary question, as mindsin's sitch is similar to mine. How can he put boundaries on his Ws behavior with OM without being controlling, pursuing and overall anti-DB?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
