Fair points. She actually did say that I am always need to do things on my own agenda. She has said that D is a big decision. I said that I agree and that I don't want to do D, but I also cannot share my wife with a third party.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Fair points. She actually did say that I am always need to do things on my own agenda. She has said that D is a big decision. I said that I agree and that I don't want to do D, but I also cannot share my wife with a third party.
Your position is irreproachable.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
Here is my list - I started guitar lessons a few months ago - I am going to yoga although my wife is there some of the time - I meet a friend every Sunday to run and workout - I am pretty sure that I am going to start crossfit...great opportunity to meet people -I go out at least one night per week with a friend or after work with colleagues
Any other ideas? I really am looking to meet people and build my circle of friends
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
That reminds me, I have a friend's kid I need to start giving guitar lessons to. That would be good for me, actually.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Yeah, but not wanting to be in an open marriage is not being controlling.
It is to a wayward. It's probably #1 on the Wayward Hit Parade -- "You're too controlling!"
Usually, it just means "It's so controlling of you to not allow me to continue to conduct my affair, unencumbered," or "It's so controlling of you to demand that I end all contact with my OM in order to remain married to you."
Sho, I reaaaalllly wish you would stop focusing on this one phrase, and CERTAINLY would encourage you to not make your DECISIONS based on it. It means literally nothing, in my opinion. It's background noise at best, and it's button-pushing at worst and I suspect it's the latter and I've pointed it out to you before. Your wife KNOWS that this phrase gets to you, and that it gets you to BACK OFF if she plays it.
You have a difficult enough decision to make without THIS white noise entering into it.
It is to a wayward. It's probably #1 on the Wayward Hit Parade -- "You're too controlling!"
Usually, it just means "It's so controlling of you to not allow me to continue to conduct my affair, unencumbered," or "It's so controlling of you to demand that I end all contact with my OM in order to remain married to you."
Starsky, do you believe that this is founded with the wayward and now they've blow it out of proportion in retaliation or is it just ingrained in the wayward because they've been abducted by aliens? Or does it even freaking matter at this point? I have found the wayward views every single little thing through a controlling lens, I mean everything.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Not sure I understand your question, Jefe. I'm saying it's fog -- gaslighting. It's right up there (and I know the DB forum doesn't advocate exposure, but) when a betrayed spouse exposes the affair and then the wayward spouse says "Well NOW you've done it! I WAS going to consider reconciling with you, but NOW YOU'VE BLOWN THAT CHANCE!" and of course the dreaded "I love you but I'm not IN love with you."
I'm just trying to (continue to) encourage Shodan to make his decisions based on his own core values, his non-negotiable boundaries, and those things that *HE* genuinely believes he needs to work on and change. Not on what his wife pushes back with while she still hasn't ended her affair, because that's going to be a deflection at best and gaslighting at worst.
Furthermore, even IF Shodan believes he has been too controlling at other times in the past in their marriage, it STILL doesn't mean that he should necessarily waver on his current non-negotiable boundaries right now. "I'm not willing to live in an open marriage" is certainly a reasonable boundary and position to take, and if his wife refuses to end her affair in light of that, then Shodan clearly has a decision to make. Is allowing the consequence of that boundary (up to and including divorce) to kick in "controlling?" Or is he simply saying "Look, I told you what I could and couldn't abide, and you either didn't take me seriously or you were unwilling to end your affair, but either way I can't live like that."
Put more simply, I believe there is a time where one HAS to control the process that could potentially break up one's family. His wife clearly doesn't have their marriage's best interests at heart right now, confused or not, so that leaves Shodan to be the leader. And sometimes leaders have to "control."
My question was framed more in the sense of did our (the LBS) controlling get us here in the first place (Speaking of my own situation mostly) and the WAS's behaviour is just an over reaction to that or is it just a mental defect with all WAS's.
But you took the answer in a whole other direction that makes that question moot.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I do think that the decision to medicate by having an affair can be fueled by a sense of resentment and entitlement from an over-controlling marriage, yes. Sort of the ultimate "F-you!" statement of "you can't control me!"
I agree with Starsky ... (I know .. .shocker as he is on point with these things) ... but Shodan ... seriously .. even in your posts you have more than stated you will not share your W with a third party. All I can hear now is how bruised your ego is .. and its not going to heal by beating that horse anylonger.
Try a 180 ... dont mention it for a week, let that go, its not the root cause of why you are here among us its just a side effect of it. IF you were giving her what she needs .. she would not have gone elsewhere ... not saying what she did is right .. but like I said before .. SHE needs to end it, otherwise just add it into the things she resents about you and she will move on regardless. You need to become the first choice, and it does appear .. (outside looking in) that she is rethinking. A woman who was going to jet would not be redecorating your house, try filling her love bucket with her LL (Have you read the 5LL .. its worth a read if not for her .. but for yourself so you can understand things better). I get bitter and angry as I wrestle with it too ... did all weekend and decided an act of love this morning just to see what happens ... do a 180, be adventurous .. get crazy ... be you for a bit. Let this thing slow cook .. all great things take time .. dont rush it here ... just relax and let that Third party thing go for a minute ... you will have plenty of pain and things to work through with that once she does commit ... another thing that SHE must choose ... you trying to control it and force her will not give you the results you want if you give it some serious thought.
